Second Chance
by Liv Cassidy
Summary: She denied him almost fourteen years ago. Now she has a second chance. It's also her last chance at the future she always dreamed about. Just when Olivia Benson's life is just shy of perfect, someone she once knew very well re-enters her life under tragic circumstances.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

_What the hell am I doing? _Olivia Benson thought. Her eyes were closed as her lips pressed against Brian Cassidy's dry, chapped lips. His lips were likely dry from the medication. She didn't care; she continued to kiss.

She felt him weakly kiss her back. _Does he feel what I feel? _Olivia wondered. Twelve years had passed since he'd left the precinct. He wasn't the young man she had shared a few drunken nights with in bed. His skin had lost the smoothness of his youth, and the wrinkles under his eyes emphasized signs of aging. How old was Cassidy now anyway? Back in 2000, he'd been the youngest on the SVU squad, just barely 30. So, that would make him 42 now, which was only two years younger than Olivia herself.

Olivia opened her eyes and released lips from Cassidy's. "I-I'm sorry," she muttered. "That was out of line."

Cassidy shook his head and coughed, "Well, that's one thing that hasn't changed about you…you were always worried about being 'out of line.'"

"Maybe it's because this job is all I've got," Olivia said quietly, and that was the flat truth. Outside of SVU, she had nothing to live for. Both her parents were deceased, if you considered her no-good rapist sperm donor a father. All she had was her half-brother, who only seemed to cause problems for her since she'd discovered his existence. The man who had been her best friend for thirteen years had disconnected his phone and failed to give her his new number and address. And to top it off, she'd ended every single romantic relationship she'd ever had for her job. Her job was her life.

"We don't work in the same precinct anymore," Cassidy said.

He was right. There was no conflict of interest with what she'd done.

"Brian," she whispered. "I'm sorry for what happened twelve years ago. I shouldn't have…"

"It was twelve years ago, Liv. You have nothing to be sorry about. We were young, we were foolish. I was heartbroken at the time, but I always figured if we were meant to be together, then we would have been together."

She felt her heart skip a beat; it was a flutter. A feeling locked in her stomach that she hadn't felt in years. "Maybe it was fate," she said. "If you believe in fate…maybe it was fate that we were brought back together once again."

Something changed inside her the moment she had seen the police officer shoot Cassidy. Memories of the past came haunting back. Thoughts of what could have been pondered her now.

"I don't know, Liv. I don't know…I haven't held down a serious relationship since I left the SVU precinct. I've had flings, lots of them, but—"

"—Isn't that all you've ever had?" Olivia interrupted.

"Well, technically, I guess… Liv, you're the only one I wanted. When I was at SVU, you're all I thought about… and even though I know the reason I gave for leaving SVU. Really, beneath all the other reasons, I left because it hurt too much to see you every day. I thought that if I left then I'd forget you, that I'd move on… but… no, that's not what happened. Every girl I was in bed with… every time… I caught myself fantasizing about you."

Olivia blushed. "I don't know what to say," she said. "I guess I should be flattered."

"Damn right," Cassidy said. "Olivia, I have a question for you."

"Yeah, what's that?" she asked. Her throat was a little scratchy from holding back tears.

"What happened to Elliot?"

Olivia's heart stopped for a moment, remembering tragic end to her partnership with her former partner. There was a pause before she answered.

"He shot a teenaged girl in the precinct one day."

"Oh, wow, I guess that sums it all up, eh. So, another question?"

"Shoot me."

"I would rather not; I'd have to take the bullet for you, if that were the case," he smirked. Olivia glared at him, and he continued, "Did you ever sleep with him?"

"No!" Olivia immediately responded in shock, "Absolutely not, never. Why would you ask that?"

Cassidy shrugged. "I don't know…I know he was married, but I figured he'd end up divorced at some point and you two would hit it off. You two just seemed to have chemistry. I thought maybe that's why you didn't want me. You wanted him…"

How could he have predicted Elliot's and Kathy's marital issues? Nonetheless, Elliot was like a big brother to her. Olivia couldn't imagine sleeping with her big brother.

"What part of I don't date my colleagues don't you get, Cassidy?" Olivia firmly stated, raising an eyebrow. _Cassidy doesn't need to know about David Haden quite yet. _

"You don't seem to have a problem getting drunk with them and having one night stands. So, you know, it might have happened."

"It didn't. I promise. And I thought you said the past was the past."

"I'm sorry, Liv. That was out of line," Brian apologized.

Olivia shook her head. She leaned closer to him again.

"Now it's my turn to ask the questions," she said quietly.

"Okay, but don't shoot me. I think that I've been through enough today."

"Haha," she smirked sarcastically. "I need to know something. Are you willing to give me a second chance, or was that kiss we just shared our last?"

* * *

**Author's Note: **I haven't written a SVU fiction (or much fanfiction at all, for that matter) in ages, but this came to me after last night's premiere. Is it just me, or was last night's the best season premiere SVU has seen in years? I was glued to the television for the first time in a long time last night! (Aside from the fact people kept calling me, of course).

Since we didn't actually see what happened after Benson and Cassidy kissed, all day I've been picturing in my head what might have happened. I don't like to think that Olivia just got up and left, I'd like to think some conversation went down.

*Note: I'm using 1968 as Olivia's birth year (according to SVU's Wikipedia). Brian Cassidy's age is never specifically mentioned, to my knowledge. It is only mentioned that he was the youngest on the squad, so I just estimated.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The air was stale. Olivia's heart was pounding through her chest as she waited for an answer. Her eyes wandered over Brian Cassidy's face, searching for any facial expressions that would give her some clue to his thought process. But his face was emotionless and stiff. Olivia didn't know if it was the drugs that he was on, or if he truly expressed no emotion to what she had just asked him.

"Liv," he said and paused. His voice was languid. It had been a long day for him, and surely he was tired. Maybe she was springing this on him too soon. The man had just been shot, and now here she was, at weakest moment, begging for him to take her back. What kind of person was she?

"Brian," Olivia said when he didn't continue.

"I-I just don't know. It has been twelve long and miserable years, although partially that's because I spent a quarter of those years undercover...but…I just don't know…"

Her heart sunk. "I'm sorry," she said quickly. "You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I've put you through enough hardship already." She stood up and started walking toward the door. "Let's just forget this ever happened, okay?"

"Liv—wait!" Cassidy raised his voice. "I-I never said no! Please, don't leave yet. I-I'm not sure I want to forget this ever happened."

She inquisitively lifted a brow. "Say what? You have got me confused now." She took a few steps back toward the bed.

"It's just...this is happening so fast. I feel like I'm dreaming. Please, pinch me. Am I still asleep?" She walked over to his bedside again and took a pinch of the skin on his arm and pinched him. "Ouch! I didn't mean literally!"

"Hey, I was just following orders."

His eyes widened. "Well, at least I know I'm awake for sure, and I'm not hallucinating, right? You're actually here."

She nodded. "Cassidy, you've had a long day, with surgery and all. Maybe I should leave and come back later, when you're more awake. We can talk then." She paused and looked out the hospital room door. "And besides, if I stay in here too long, someone might come in and…I don't need rumors starting already."

"For God's sake, Olivia Benson!" Brian Cassidy ragingly exclaimed all of a sudden. "Why the hell do you care so fucking much about what people say? Besides, who's going to come in? Liv, this is what I'm afraid of and why I'm so hesitant to say yes to your question. You're so sucked up in your self-image. If we're ever going to be a couple, I don't want to hide. I want us to be like every other damn couple in this country. I want to be able to go out in public with you and hold your hand, but you're so damn into your image." When he stopped, he his breathing was heavy and the heart monitor that was connected to him began beeping faster.

"Calm down, Cassidy. Last thing we need is you under cardiac arrest."

"See, there you go," he murmured. "Avoiding everything I just said."

"I'm not avoiding it," she contradicted. She knew everything he said was true. She'd never had a normal relationship. The guys she'd dated away from the job, and could go out in public with, had always been pushed to the sidelines because she would put her job before them. Haden and Cassidy—the two men she'd dated on the job—had been the best kept secrets she could keep. Although the secrets weren't as well-kept as she'd wanted. SVU was like a big family, and nothing stayed under the ropes for too long.

"Liv," Cassidy said.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Every muscle in her body tightened. She couldn't remember the last time someone had said those three words to her. She didn't know how to react. The question was, did she love Cassidy back? She wasn't sure. What was love? When she saw him fall after the gunshot, she felt like part of her was dying. Was it because of their past ghosts? Or was it because she actually cared about him and did love him?

She didn't know.

She'd never been in love before.

"You're confusing the hell out of me, boy," were the words that came out of Olivia Benson's mouth.

"Maybe it's because I'm confused as hell myself," Cassidy admitted. "And I don't think I'm a boy anymore."

"Like I said, I should go…you're on God knows how many drugs and should get some rest. Plus, I need to get back to work…"

"Liv, please," Cassidy whispered. "Please don't go. Stay here, with me, for a first… prove to me that you can."

She looked out the door again and looked back at Cassidy. Somehow, she felt she owed it to him.

"Okay," she said. "I'll stay."

She pulled up a chair next to Cassidy's bed placed her hand on his. She gazed timidly into his light brown eyes; she felt like she was a teenager again, staring into her high school crush's eyes. He smiled, and for a brief moment Olivia saw the boyish detective she had slept with twelve years ago.

"Thank you for staying," he whispered.

"You're welcome. You need to get some rest, though. I'll still be here when you wake up."

"Is that a promise?"

"I promise." And she meant it.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I've already got the next two chapters written, and I'll probably post them tomorrow. I'm having quite a bit of fun writing this. I don't know how long it will be exactly, but I have an idea of where I'd like it to go!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Olivia kept her promise. As Brian Cassidy began to drift off to dreamland, Olivia quickly silenced her phone. She wasn't up for taking calls at the moment, and she didn't want her ringer to wake Cassidy up.

She was exhausted herself and hadn't had a full night's sleep in days. Soon she found herself leaning her head against Cassidy's chest, though her butt was still on the chair. She was careful not to disturb the tubes that connected the heart monitor and the IV to his veins on his left arm.

When her head leaned against his chest, she could hear his thumping heart pound rhythmically into her ear. She buried her face into his chest. His skin was so warm.

Soon she found herself in a deep slumber. She dreamt that was back at her apartment. Cassidy was with her. They in her bed kissing. Then, he started to take her shirt off.

Her dream was interrupted when a nurse walked in the room. _How long had she been sleeping? _Olivia groggily rubbed her eyes, took her head off Cassidy and straightened her composure. She looked at the hospital clock. She'd been asleep for at least four hours. Then, she glanced at nurse who was checking Cassidy's IV, not sure how to explain what had just happened.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I was just checking his IV. I'm Nurse Emily, and you are?"

"Olivia. I'm a good friend of Brian's." The nurse didn't know her, so there was no need for further explanation. She looked young and most likely new to the hospital. She could possibly be an intern.

"Well, everything seems to be in check here. I'll be going now. If you need anything, just buzz."

"Thank you," Olivia smiled as the nurse left.

She knew she should check her phone to see if someone was trying to get ahold of her, but then she might have to break her promise to Cassidy and that was the last thing Olivia wanted to do right now. She wanted to keep a promise to him for once on her life. It just felt like the right thing to do.

She fell asleep again, this time just sitting upright in the chair. Her head drooped slightly. The next time she woke, she was met with familiar eyes. She perked her head straight; her neck was a little stiff. _Oh shit, _she immediately thought. Detective Nick Amaro stood next to her.

"So here you are," Nick said. "The whole precinct has been wondering where you're at, and you've been here the whole time. Never mind that, why are you here?"

She looked at her watch. Two hours had passed since the nurse left.

"As I'm sure you can relate, Nick, we're all rundown and tired. I just fell asleep… it's an honest mistake."

"Yeah, I can understand needing a nap, but here of all places? Is something going on between you and Cassidy?"

Before Olivia could even respond, she noticed Cassidy stirring in his hospital bed.

"Detective Amaro?" Cassidy murmured. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I came to see how you were doing and to apologize for being an ass before, and well then I saw your girlfriend was here."

Olivia gave Amaro a menacing look. Sometimes he could be so immature. Then again, he was around the same age Cassidy had been when he worked SVU. Amaro had about the same maturity level Cassidy had back then. It reminded Olivia of another reason, besides the whole 'I don't date colleagues' rule, that she had been reluctant to date Cassidy at the time.

"Aw, you're already telling people I'm your boyfriend, Livvy?" Cassidy's voice was groggy. He appeared to still be half asleep.

"So there is something going on here! I knew it!"

"Nick, just shut the hell up. What I do in my personal life is none of your business, or anyone at the precinct's business, for that matter."

"Don't tell me to shut up. And I think it's plenty of our business. I knew something was up when you acted like the world was about to end when he got shot. What the hell are you thinking, going out with white trash like him? Yeah, I know I came to apologize, but just because I apologize doesn't mean I like the man. Olivia, he's not the same person he was twelve years ago! What are you thinking_?_!"

Olivia's fists clenched. If she were Elliot Stabler or ten years younger, she would have whacked him right then and there.

"Um, hello, dude, I might be on drugs and stuff, but I'm still here listening. You're lucky I'm in this hospital bed, because if weren't, you'd be so dead about right now."

"Just leave now, Nick. Leave." Olivia demanded.

"Fine. I'll leave. But look at your damn phone. You've got a job to go to, and you can't spend the rest of your life sleeping with this bastard."

"Damnit, Amaro. Don't tell me how to do my job or live my life. I've been doing my job before you started the academy. And definitely don't tell me how to live my life."

Amaro let out a loud gasp. He didn't say another word and left.

"He had no right to show up here and say that shit to you and me," Cassidy growled. He was now fully awake.

"I'm sorry, so sorry. I can't believe he just did that."

"Me either. What is he, twelve?"

"I wonder sometimes," Olivia sighed. "I know he's going through a separation right now, so he's on edge and not thinking clearly. Elliot went through the same thing when Kathy and he were separated…"

"Wait a minute. Elliot got a divorce and you still never slept with him?"

"Elliot never signed the papers. They got back together and had a fifth child. And, for the last time, I promise that I never slept with him." Olivia firmly stated. She wondered why Cassidy had such an interest in her relationship with her previous partnership. It was almost like there was old tension Cassidy felt toward Elliot that he'd never let go over the years. It wasn't like any of mattered, though. Olivia had no contact information for Elliot, so it wasn't like she'd be in contact with him any time soon.

"I know, I know, I believe you," Cassidy assured. "But I think I understand now why you don't publicize your relationship at work, especially now, with that douchebag on your squad. I bet he's going to go tell the whole squad that he saw us together. Are you ready for that?"

"Isn't that what you want?" Olivia asked. "You said that if we got together, you wanted our relationship to be public."

"That's what I want, but I'm not sure that's what you want."

Olivia shrugged. Truth be told, she wasn't sure what she wanted. She just wanted life to be simple. She wanted to go to work during the day and come home to someone who loved her at night.

But it seemed that wasn't possible with her job, at least it hadn't been done yet.

Nick Amaro and Elliot Stabler were the only two colleagues she had worked with who had been married during the time she'd worked with them. Both had experienced intense marital issues because of their careers. Elliot's wife had left him for a period of time, and now Nick's wife was leaving him too. In some ways, Nick's life paralleled Elliot's. If that was the case, then, everything would work out for Nick and his wife. Eventually it had to, right?

Olivia had always been afraid of commitment. Maybe it was because she had seen the struggles her former partner had gone through with his marriage. She always seemed to back down when things got more serious, as she had with David Haden.

She gazed into Brian's weak but loving eyes. One thing was for sure, Olivia had plenty to think about.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Four days passed. Cragen was released from jail and told he could return to his position, but he'd decided to take some personal time off. Olivia couldn't blame him, especially after the trauma he'd just been through. Captain Stephen Harris had been released now that SVU wasn't being watched as closely, and Munch offered to be in charge until Captain Cragen returned from his leave. Munch insisted he'd taken charge the captain's position before and was perfectly capable of keeping SVU in an orderly fashion. Captain Harris had other places in the force that needed him.

Olivia's head just hadn't been at work since she'd left the hospital. She hadn't been back to visit Cassidy, which she felt somewhat guilty about. Though, she had called him last night and talked to him from her apartment before going to bed. He told her that if tests came back positive, he was supposed to be released today. She'd told him to call her when they were about to release him and she'd be his ride home. However, she had neglected to ask him where home was, as he'd been undercover for three years and hadn't mentioned where he'd been residing during that time.

No one at SVU had said a word about Amaro's walking in on Olivia and Brian sleeping, not even Amaro. Olivia didn't know if that meant that Amaro hadn't told anyone, or if nobody had the guts to confront her about it. Surely if Munch had caught wind of it, he would have said something to her about it. It just wasn't in his nature not to say something.

She was sitting on her desk reading through her cases, hoping something would click in her head to help her solve her latest case. It was a challenge when the words just blended together on the page. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she'd been so out of touch with her job. Her job was her life, so if she was out of touch with her life, then that meant she was out of touch with her life.

As she sat at her desk, she found herself questioning if this was the desk she was going to have until the rest of her life. Every single day for what seemed like forever, she couldn't remember life before SVU, she would go to sleep knowing where she'd be sitting the next morning. There was no question about it. The only variation she'd ever had in her schedule was when she went undercover or that short period of time she worked computer crimes.

Is this really where she was going to be for the rest of her life?

What about when she grew old? She'd have no family to take care of her. She'd work until the day she died because her pension certainly wouldn't be high enough to survive off.

Was that what she really wanted?

By now, her mind was far from her cases. That was when she felt a hand on her shoulder which caused her practically to leap out of her chair. She looked up and saw Rollins holding a piece of paper in her hands.

"Sorry, Benson, I didn't mean to startle you there. I just had a piece of paper I thought you'd be interested in… Benson, are you okay? You don't look so hot. I mean no offense or anything."

"I'm fine, just a little drained. Aren't we all? What's the paper you've got for me?"

"Things have actually been pretty quiet around here within the last 24 hours. I actually got a full night's rest last night for the first time in a long time. Didn't you go home last night and sleep?" Rollins looked a little puzzled. Olivia didn't respond. "Is something going on, Benson? You know, if you need someone to talk to woman-to-woman, I'm here. I know it's gotta be hard working on a force with predominately men for all these years. I'm glad to add some woman power to SVU. But seriously, if you need to talk, I'm here."

"Thanks for the offer, and I'll seriously take it up if I need it, but everything's fine." Olivia forced a smile, and before she could ask Rollins about the paper again, her phone started to ring. Immediately she pulled it out, "Benson."

"Hey, Liv! They're just about to release me from the hospital in about an hour. Is your offer still there to be my ride?" Cassidy's deep voice spoke into phone.

"Sure is. I'll be there in a few," she said. Rollins gave her a perplexed look.

"Okay, I'll see you then. Bye."

"See you then."

She placed her phone back in her pocket and looked at Rollins, "Sorry, I've got to get to a client. Just set the paper on my desk and I'll look at it when I get back."

"Okay."

Just as she was leaving, she passed Munch and Amaro.

"Where are you going?" Munch asked.

"I'm meeting with a client in fifteen minutes, I'll be back later."

"A client? Really, Liv. That's not terminology you normally use. Who's this _client_? Is it a victim?" Munch said. "You've been acting disorientated the last couple days, don't think I haven't notice. My vision might be getting poor as I get older, but I'm not blind yet."

"Why's it matter?"

"It's Cassidy," Amaro volunteered, slyly.

"Brian Cassidy?" Munch looked at Olivia.

"He's getting out of the hospital and I offered him a ride home," Olivia said. She looked at her watch. Five minutes had been wasted. "And if you don't mind, I really should be going. I told him I'd be there right away."

"Actually, I kind of do mind," Munch said. "I need details here. Why didn't you just say it was Cassidy? Wait, you two aren't…"

"Yes, they are," Amaro insisted.

"Aw, I always thought you two would be cute together," Munch teased, which gave Olivia a slight uncomfortable feeling. Amaro's face went pale as he witnessed Munch's approval. Olivia was just waiting for Amaro to bash Cassidy again, but he didn't. He curled his lip under his teeth.

"Well, I've got to go." She rushed past Amaro and Munch, got in her car and began heading toward the hospital. She didn't know why she cared so much about whether or not the squad approved of her and Cassidy's relationship. Maybe it was because Cassidy was formerly a SVU detective and knew Munch and Cragen well. Also, she knew that Amaro wasn't fond of Cassidy, and she felt like he'd lost some respect for her since that day in the hospital room. Olivia liked to feel like she was in control.

The problem was she cared too much about the people she worked with. They were her family. If they didn't approve of who she was dating, then her life was made hell. That was the case in any family unit, wasn't it? If your parents, brothers, and sisters didn't like your boyfriend, then it made for painful family reunions.

Olivia Benson felt weaker than she'd ever felt before. Becoming part of SVU had strengthened her and made her a strong, independent woman. Was she about to lose all the strength she had built over the years for a man who she barely knew anymore? She'd known him once, but whether she liked to admit it or not, Amaro had a point. People change over time. All Olivia could do is get-to-know the man she was on her way to pick up.

Even then, could she really say she knew him? People only let you know so much about them. After all, as Foster had told her, all people have their secrets. All Olivia's just happened to come out so easily.

This was the reason she feared committed relationships.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thank you everyone who has reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story so far! It's hard to believe that I'm just posting chapter 4 when I've actually begun writing chapter 8! I've been writing on and off throughout the day like crazy. Hopefully I'll keep up this pace. There are definitely some twists and turns to come! FYI, Amaro pissed me off in the season premiere, especially when he pointed a gun to Cassidy's head. So, that might explain why I've turned him into a total ass for the sake of this story.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

About an hour later Olivia and Brian were alone in the car. Olivia had assisted a very stiff Brian Cassidy into the passenger seat.

"So, where am I taking you? You've been undercover all this time, and now you're not."

"All my personal belongings, the little I own anyway, are at my mom's. She knows you're picking me up. I don't have a place of my own right now," Brian answered.

"Would you like to take me to your mom's, then?"

"You don't have to. She visited me every day while I was in the hospital. She knows I'm okay. Olivia. Right now I just want to be with you."

Olivia smiled. "That's sweet, Cassidy, but I don't have long before—"

"—You have to get back to work." Brian cut in. Olivia frowned and nodded. "See, Liv, I know you too well. I was right. You're the exact same Olivia Benson that you were twelve years ago. Your hair might be a little longer and a little lighter, but you're still the same Olivia Benson I slept with twelve years ago."

"I'm not," Olivia protested. But deep down, she knew that he had a point.

"Then prove it, because you're not doing such a good job of supporting that claim right now."

A quick sigh left her lungs. "Let's go to my apartment."

The remainder of the car ride was silent, and when they arrived at Olivia's apartment complex, she got out of the car and grabbed Brian's hand to help him get out of the car.

"I've got it, Liv," Brian insisted, placing his legs out of the vehicle. "I'm not crippled, just sore."

Olivia couldn't relate to the feeling of a gunshot wound. Amidst her years at SVU, she'd never been shot. She'd been stabbed badly but never shot.

Her apartment was bare. There was little evidence that someone lived in it. The kitchen sink was empty, not a single dish lie within it. If you were to open her refrigerator, you would find a two-day-old expired half gallon of milk. She rarely ate at home. There was no point in cooking for one person.

She took a seat at her kitchen table and gestured for Cassidy to join her, which he did. It had been so long since she had dusted her apartment that dust had begun to build on the table.

"This place looks the same as it did twelve years ago," Cassidy commented, and he was right, it did. She didn't have the time to purchase new decorations or furniture. Since she barely lived in her apartment, she didn't see the point in doing so, either.

"Yes, I guess it does," she whispered. She wasn't looking at Cassidy. Instead, her eyes aimlessly wandered around her apartment.

"Liv, are you okay? You look a little out of it."

"Yeah, fine. I was just thinking."

"About?"

"What do you think?"

She slowly met his eyes, and she could read the confusion that plastered them.

"Liv, you kissed me…"

"You kissed back."

"I did, and I've made it clear what I've wanted all these years. You just seem to keep changing your mind. If we're ever going to work as a couple, we need to communicate with each other. Otherwise it's never going to work. Communication is the key to any relationship. You're a great detective, Liv. And I know you were always amazing with the victims, but when it comes to communicating in personal relationships, no offense, but I'm going to be blunt here: You suck."

Olivia remained silent; eeriness beckoned the room. The two stared at each other in silence. Brian Cassidy certainly had matured over the years, and Olivia couldn't help but admit that she was amazed with him. In a way, she felt that he was more mature than she. He was right. Communicating her personal feelings had never been a strong skill of hers.

"You've grown up well," Olivia said.

"Going undercover for three years forces you to grow up."

She'd gone undercover before, but she couldn't imagine doing a three year operation.

"We've obviously got a lot to talk about," Olivia admitted.

"We do."

Just as he'd gently taken her hand, the buzz from Olivia's cell phone interrupted them. She looked into Cassidy's eyes and sighed, "I should take that."

Disapproval showed in Brian Cassidy's eyes, but Olivia grabbed her phone out of her pocket. She glanced at the caller ID before answering. It was a number she didn't recognize. The number had a New York City area code.

"Benson. Who's this?"

She heard breathing and static on the other end, but no one spoke.

"Hello, who is this?"

The breathing continued for a few seconds then the line went dead.

"Well, whoever they were, they didn't want to talk to me I guess," Olivia mumbled.

"Maybe it was the wrong number," Cassidy suggested, taking her hand again.

"Perhaps," she said, placing her other hand on top of his. He leaned across the table and gave her a peck on the lips. She soon found herself standing against Brian Cassidy. Her hands gently ran down his shirt and she felt his bandages through the cloth.

"You have a gentle touch," Cassidy whispered in her ear.

"I don't want to hurt you," Olivia whispered back.

"Don't worry about it," he said and kissed her again. This kiss was slower and longer. They soon were on the bed and soon she had forgotten to be gentle. Her hands felt up and down his body, fast and hard. He placed his warm hands under her shirt, and she felt her shirt working its way off. Once her shirt was off, she began working his shirt over his head.

His tongue rubbed against her teeth and soon their tongues locked. She was reminded of something she'd always loved about Cassidy: he was very talented with his tongue.

"_Ouch!" _he suddenly screeched and she instantly stopped. She realized she had just pressed against one of his wounds with her palm.

"Whoops, I'm so sorry!" Olivia cried. "You did tell me not to worry."

"It's okay, it's all good, Liv. I kind of asked for it, didn't I?"

They were lying next to each other shirtless, but both still had their pants on.

"Maybe we should wait a little longer for this," Olivia insisted. "You just got out of the hospital. Clearly you need some time to heal."

"You might be right," he agreed. "And besides, I want things to be different... my 'relationships,' if you can consider them relationships, have always been predominately about the sex…"

"I can relate," Olivia sighed, grabbing for her shirt and pulling it over her head. "Maybe we shouldn't do this now."

"Maybe…maybe it's a good thing I'm injured. We can spend some time getting to know each other outside the bedroom." He reached for his shirt and put it back on. He leaned over and pecked her on the forehead.

Her phone, still in her pocket, began to buzz again. Surely this time it was someone from the station. Neglecting to look at the caller ID this time, she answered, "Benson."

The breathing on the other line echoed in her ear.

"Hello? Who's there?"

The line went dead again.

_Who the hell is calling and hanging up?_

"What are the chances of someone dialing the wrong number twice?" Olivia asked Brian.

He shrugged. "I've done it before." And he kissed her again on the forehead.

The phone, still in her hand, started to buzz again. Without looking again, she answered, "Who the hell is this?"

"Benson, what the hell? It's Sergeant Munch," Munch's voice came through the receiver.

Immediately she felt like a fool. "I'm sorry, John. It's a long story."

"It better be. Liv, you've been gone for three hours. I know you're with Cassidy. Amaro told me about the other day when he walked in and you sleeping by his bedside."

"Munch, I can explain." Could she?

"There's really no need to. Liv, everyone knows there was something going on between you and Cassidy twelve years ago. You may not have known we knew, but we're not blind."

"I—"

"Liv, your cases haven't been touched in days. I've reassigned them to Amaro, Rollins, and Fin. You need to take some time off and get your personal life sorted out."

"Munch, that's not necessary, and besides that's not really your place to decide…"

"Actually, it is while Cragen is away, and I talked to Cragen earlier today and he agreed with me wholeheartedly. Take some time, Liv. Maybe it will be good for you."

"But—"

"I'm taking no ifs, ands, or buts. I'm ordering you to take at least two weeks off. If you need anything, you know that you've got a whole precinct here to support you."

_Yeah, whatever. Did Amaro tell him everything he said at the hospital?_

She sighed. "Okay."

She clicked off her cell phone and murmured to Brian, "Well, you got your wish."

"Say what?"

"I'm on leave as of now. I'm all yours."

* * *

**Author's Note - **Who do you think is calling Olivia and hanging up?


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Olivia was upset at first about being put on leave, but eventually she realized it wasn't such a bad thing. In a certain light, the leave had uncomplicated her life. It had given her time with Cassidy she would have otherwise not had.

She went with Brian to his mother's house the next morning and was alarmed at Mrs. Cassidy's excitement when the couple walked in the door.

"Olivia! It's so nice to see you, and thank you for taking care of my baby," Mrs. Cassidy had gleamed, patting her son's shoulder.

Brian later confessed when they left that his mother had always had a liking for Olivia, even back when they worked together. He also admitted that she was the only woman he'd slept with who had been introduced to his mother since he'd turned eighteen.

"Do I dare ask how many women you've been with?" Olivia asked later that evening as she was making dinner. It was the first time her stovetop had been used in months. She and Brian had visited the grocery store earlier that day and picked up a few boxes of macaroni and cheese, some fresh milk, and some butter. Macaroni and cheese seemed like the most romantic meal ever.

"I could ask you the same question, you know, but I haven't." Brian was quick to point out.

She was no saint, either, and she knew it.

"Okay, then how many escorts have you been with?" Both knew exactly who she was referring to.

"Just one," he was quick to respond. "How many one-night stands have you had?"

"A few." Truthfully, she couldn't remember. There were probably more than a few; plenty of which she'd been too drunk to remember if they'd actually had sex. David Haden had been her only exclusive relationship over the last fifteen years. She wasn't a slut; she just liked how sex felt and relationships just didn't seem to work in her favor. Just because she sucked at relationships didn't mean she had to be deprived of sex. She always used barriers for protection, and she was tested regularly and knew for a fact that she was clean.

"So I guess I'm not special."

Olivia could tell Brian was still hurting for what had happened years ago. He'd wanted more, but she hadn't been willing to give him that at the time. The pain was still present in his voice.

"Brian, it's the past. You've said it yourself," she spoke slowly. "And you are special, because I can assure you all my one-night stands have only been one-night stands. You are the only one I ever wanted to be with again, even twelve years later." She leaned over and kissed him again.

"You're right. Liv, we've got to quit doing this."

"Doing what?"

"Dwelling on each other's pasts. We've both been with other people, but the sex we shared twelve years ago, and the sex we shared the night Carissa was murdered—I haven't forgotten about that night—actually meant something to me. It was different than all the rest. I don't know if you felt it or not."

"Twelve years ago I didn't feel it," Olivia admitted. She saw him frown. "Twelve years ago you were just like the all the rest. I may not have been like all the rest for you, but I'm being honest here. That night…last week…before Cragen called…was different."

"So, what you're saying is it took you twelve years to feel what I feel," he said; she nodded, realizing that was the simple truth. "I guess it's better late than number."

"I've just been so confused with these mixed feelings. I care about you, Brian. It's just…I've never known life outside the job. I've tried it, and it never worked out…and I know you want a serious relationship."

"You're the only woman I've wanted a serious relationship with."

"So you've said, and I want to be happy…I want to have an actual life…but my job…"

"I know, I've known all these years…Liv, you've got to let loose. Here I am, 42. I pictured myself married with a baby by 30. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children. I see dads in the park running after their kids."

She could completely relate. Although she knew relationships had never been her thing, especially after watching over Calvin, she'd begun to desire to have a child herself.

"Liv, question…it's sort of personal."

"What's that? No question is too personal for me."

"Do you…are you…still…"

She knew where this going.

"Yes, Brian. I still have my period…"

"So that means…you're still…fertile?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "As far as I know, I am. I'm 44 years old, well past the age most women bear children. There's plenty of ways women become infertile. How do I know if I was ever fertile? I've never tried to conceive, and I've never once had sex without a condom."

"Neither have I," Cassidy said, "so for all we know, we're both infertile…then my dream is shot."

"Well, if I am and you're not, you have plenty of time to find someone else. I've heard of 80-year-old men having children."

"That's kind of disturbing to think about…"

"Didn't say it wasn't," she said.

"Liv," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her waist just as she'd started separating the macaroni and cheese into two bowls. He lightly kissed her neck and whispered in her ear, "Let's make a baby."

Before she could comment on Brian's alarming statement, her cell phone began ringing for the first time that day.

It was the same New York number that had called her yesterday.

"Hello? Who is this? Whoever you are, speak."

"Liv?" a muffled male voice said just before the line went dead again.

"Same number as before?" Brian asked, rubbing Olivia's shoulders. She nodded. "Well, we now know it's a man who's calling you. Did you recognize the voice?"

She shook her head. "The voice was muffled and it's difficult to recognize voices over the phone, plus it's so easy to disguise your voice… but he called me Liv."

"Doesn't everyone call you 'Liv', Liv?" Brian chuckled, grabbing a bowl of macaroni and cheese. He sat down at the table and began eating. "Come and eat, Liv. I'm starved."

But she didn't move. She was disturbed by the reoccurring phone call. No, contrary to what Brian had said, not everyone called her Liv. She could rule out it being a random person who might have gotten ahold of her card with her number on it. Whoever kept calling her, knew her personally, and knew her well enough to call her 'Liv.' _Maybe it is Amaro checking up on me, _Olivia pondered. What if he had purchased a disposable cell phone to mess with her? It didn't seem entirely impossible. If it was Amaro, she was going to kill him.

"Liv?"

"I was just contemplating who it could be."

"Have you considered calling the number back? If they don't answer, maybe you'll reach their voicemail and that'll give you their name."

Why hadn't she thought about that?

"You're a genius, Brian!" Olivia cried.

"I know, I know."

Olivia rolled her eyes and hit the "redial" button on her phone. The phone rang five times before reaching a voicemail. "_You have reached the number 212-555-5432, and whoever you are trying to reach is unavailable right now, please leave a message after the beep." _It was a general automatic voicemail message that left her back at square one. Oh well, it was worth a try.

"Or maybe not," Olivia moaned.

"You tried, now get some food and eat," Brian demanded, his mouth half full of macaroni and cheese. She sighed and followed his orders, picking up her own bowl and joining him at the table.

"It's driving me crazy," she said as she ate. "I did have one thought."

"What's that?" Brian asked in between bites.

"What if it's Amaro calling to mess with my head?"

"I'll kill him," Brian looked up from his bowl.

"Not if I kill him first," Olivia insisted. "I mean, really, I don't think he'd do that, but I don't know who else it could be."

"The man put a gun up to my head, Liv. It really, honestly wouldn't surprise me."

He had a point.

"So…" Brian began slowly, his bowl was empty already.

"Hm?"

"Before the phone rang and we were interrupted, what do you think about what I said?"

"Huh?" Then she remembered. "Oh…yeah…I don't know, Brian. I always pictured myself, well, married before I had a child…"

"And I pictured myself married before the age of 30, but did that happen? Then let's get married. Let's elope!"

Olivia dropped her fork instantly. "That's the craziest most absurd thing I've ever heard! No, we can't do that."

"Why not?" Brian asked. "Who are you going to invite? The whole SVU squad? Seriously, the only ones I'd even consider inviting are Munch and Cragen, and maybe Fin, he seems cool. And guess there's that blonde cop. I don't think Amaro would show if you invited him."

"Her name's Amanda, and I'd have to track down Casey and Alex, they're former ADAs of SVU, they were after your time…" _And Elliot, _she thought, but she had no contact information for him.

"And who am I going to invite? The only person I even want at my wedding is my mother. Dad's never been part of my life; all I've got is my mother. My mom loves you, so I know she'll approve. Come on, Liv, marry me."

There was a long pause. Olivia felt tears building behind her eyeballs.

"Liv, are you okay? What's wrong? I thought you wanted me like I want you."

"I-I do…it's just…I barely know you, Cassidy."

"Don't be silly. You've known me for fourteen years," Cassidy laughed.

"Not consecutively. You had been out of my life for twelve of those years. People change over time, and over these last few weeks, I think it's safe to say that you have changed quite a bit during the time you were away from SVU. You're not the same kid you used to be."

"You're right. I have changed, but I've changed for the better," Cassidy assured.

"This is all happening so fast," Olivia whispered, holding back tears. "I suck at relationships, and that's because I'm terrified of commitment."

That was when Brian stood. He walked over to Olivia's chair and slowly got on one knee. Olivia could tell he was still stiff, and she assumed he would be for a while longer. He grabbed her hand and dazzlingly gazed into her eyes. He grabbed her hand and gently massaged her palm. "Olivia, I've loved you for so long now. I don't have a ring on me, but I'll get one as soon as possible. I kneel here, asking for your hand in marriage. I promise to cherish you for the rest of your life and never hurt you. Olivia Benson, will you marry me?"

Moisture built in her throat. A tear slowly rolled down her cheek and then she uttered, "Yes, Brian Cassidy. I will." At the same time those words exited her mouth, she wondered what the hell she was getting herself into.

Her macaroni and cheese remained untouched; she just wasn't hungry anymore. Olivia soon found herself in Brian's arms. Their lips met as they shared a kiss. He ran his hands down her waist, and they landed on her butt. He whispered, "So?"

"Not until we're married," she murmured, knowing exactly what he wanted.

"Since when did you become so persistent on waiting until marriage?" Cassidy teased.

"Besides, you're still sore. I don't want to reopen any wounds. You can wait."

"I have the rest of my life to wait," he smiled. "It's your biological clock that's ticking away."

"If it's meant to be, it will be," she said in a firm tone.

Wasn't that the case with everything in life? She would openly admit that she was a little uncomfortable with Brian's sudden obsession to have a child. But she understood his reasoning completely. This could be her last chance to be a mother.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

A loud bang on her apartment door brought Olivia out of a deep slumber. There was something about sleeping with Brian that made Olivia sleep sounder than she did when she was alone. They'd just slept, no sex, even though she knew that Brian craved it. She resisted his horniness, though she wasn't sure how much longer she was going to pull off the "waiting until marriage" line. It was a totally new concept for her. The truth was, she wanted it just as bad as he did. For now, she was just genuinely concerned for Brian's health. He insisted that if he felt well enough, then he was well enough. Also, she wanted to adjust to the idea of having a child before actually trying to create one. Last night for a moment she'd considered telling Brian that they could do it, but only if he wore protection, but in the end she'd decided against it. He could hold off a few more days until his bandages could come off.

She quickly glanced at her alarm clock, which hadn't been set the night before, and realized it was 9 a.m. Sunlight peered through her bedroom curtains. Olivia could not remember the last time she had gone to bed at 10 p.m. and slept straight through the night until 9 a.m.!

Brian was still asleep next to her. "Brian," she whispered, nudging his bare shoulder gently. "Someone's pounding on the door door."

"Huh?" he stirred as he woke. "What?"

"Someone's pounding on the door," she reiterated. She pushed the blanket and stood, taking a quick glance at herself in mirror above her dresser. Her hair was a reckless mess. Whoever was at the door was going to have to deal with it, though, along with the fact she was dressed in purple striped pajama pants and a white tank top.

"What time is it?" Cassidy groaned. He opened his eyes and gaped toward the clock. He gasped, "_9 a.m.! _Damn, I can't remember the last time I slept that late."

"You're telling me," Olivia said as the pounding continued. "Hey, I'm going to get that."

"You do that. I think I am going to jump in the shower, if you don't mind," Cassidy said, pushing the blanket away and now sitting on the edge of the bed. The bandages that still covered his wounds were now visible.

"Please do, stink isn't exactly a turn-on for me," Olivia insisted.

He sighed. "I would ask you to join me, but you better answer the door." He got off the bed and playfully placed a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, gazing hopefully into her eyes.

She grinned and for a moment considered ignoring the person at the door, but that would be rude. The pounding had become fiercer. Whoever was at the door was determined to get her attention.

"I'm coming," she yelled, exiting the bedroom and abandoning Cassidy. She opened the door to find Detective Amanda Rollins standing in front of her. "Come to break down my door, Rollins?"

"Nah, it was just going to be part of the package if you didn't answer," Rollins insisted.

"Did Munch send you to check up on me or something?" Olivia accused.

"No one sent me. I was in the neighborhood and decided to stop by. Thought I'd let you know that you've been the talk of the station the last few days." Rollins said. "Care if I come in, or is this a bad time? Love the new hairstyle."

"I was just asleep," Olivia said. She didn't appreciate the sarcastic comment toward her messy hair. "I suppose you can come in. I have nothing to hide."

"I never said you did?" Amanda looked perplexed as she stepped in the apartment.

"So, I've been the talk of the station, you said? What are people saying?"

"Oh, Amaro has been talking about how he walked in on you and Cassidy making out at hospital—"

"That's crap!" Olivia interrupted irately. "We weren't _making out_. We were asleep, and I was sitting in a chair next to Cassidy's bedside. Amaro can shove his lies up his ass. He's like a fucking twelve-year-old girl."

Amanda's eyes widened. "Calm down, Benson. I know things have been tense between you and Nick lately but don't stoop to his level. I don't know what's gotten into him."

"Did you know his wife left him?" Olivia asked.

"I knew they were having problems, I think we all knew that, but I didn't know she left. That explains a lot now, actually. Knowing that, you can't be too hard on him."

"He put a gun to Brian Cassidy's head. How can I not be hard on him? Seriously, Elliot went through the same thing that Nick is going through right now, and he might have had anger issues at time, but he never put a gun up to an innocent cop's head."

"No, but he didn't seem to have a problem shooting a teenaged girl…"

"…Oh, you did _not _just say that." Olivia was flustered. "I'm beginning to wonder if you just came here to piss me off, Rollins."

"I swear, I didn't, and you're right. That was out of line. I'm sorry. I never knew Elliot, so I can't judge him. Once again, I'm sorry… maybe I should be going… I shouldn't have come. I just thought…that we could talk. I'd really like for us to be friends, Olivia. You have no idea how much I've looked up to you this last year. You're my role model."

"That's real sweet, Amanda. But now you know that you look like you're just trying to suck up to me after you know that you pissed me off."

"I don't want to burn any bridges, Olivia." Rollins turned around toward the door and took a few steps toward it. She turned back toward Olivia for a moment. "I really should be going."

"Wait…before you go…I have a question." Olivia rushed, remembering the phone call. Maybe Rollins knew something about it.

"What's that?"

"Over the last few days, I've been getting these strange phone calls. Would you know anything about that?"

"What kind of phone calls?" Amanda raised a brow. Concern suddenly covered her face. Olivia could tell by her facial expression that she didn't have a clue about the phone calls Olivia was getting.

"Someone has been calling and hanging up; then last night they called and said, '_Liv,' _and hung up immediately. So I know it's not a random person with my card. It's someone who knows me," Olivia told Amanda, realizing this was the first person she'd told about the mysterious phone calls besides Cassidy.

"I have no idea, Olivia. I wish I did, but keep in mind that Liv isn't a totally off-the-wall nickname for Olivia, so I wouldn't rule out a random person completely. Did you recognize the voice? Was it male or female?"

"The voice was muffled, but it was male," Olivia said. "So, I couldn't really make out it. It's hard enough to recognize a voice over the phone anyway. I only have one suspicion…"

"What's that?"

"You don't think that Nick would prank call me to mess with me, do you?"

Amanda's jaw dropped and she laughed a little. "Nick may be acting immature in light of recent events, but I highly doubt that he would step that low. If you want, I can look into this for you?"

"Don't say anything to Nick about it. If it's not him, I don't want to stir up anything. But if you could look into it, I'd greatly appreciate it," Olivia replied. She grabbed a pen and paper from her desk and quickly wrote down the number that had been calling her. Don't ask how she'd memorized it so quickly. She handed the paper to Rollins.

"I'll do that." Rollins took the paper from Olivia. The bedroom door creaked open and a shirtless Brian Cassidy entered the room. "I-I didn't realize you had company, Olivia."

"You could have put on a shirt, Brian," Olivia hissed.

"Sorry, but it's not like Blondie hasn't seen a man without a shirt before, right? Maybe she hasn't seen one who has two bullet wounds in his chest, but I have nothing to be ashamed of." He turned to Amanda, who shrugged. "I know you were with Nick the Dick when Ganzel and I were arrested that first time when I was brought into the SVU Squadroom, but I don't think we've been formally introduced."

"Detective Amanda Rollins," Rollins held out her hand to shake Cassidy's.

"Nice to meet you, Amanda," Cassidy grinned sincerely.

"It was nice to meet you too. Well, I suppose I should get going." She turned to Olivia. "It was nice talking to you. I'll let you know if I find anything out about the phone calls."

"Thanks," Olivia said, and Amanda left.

Brian began to lightly massage Olivia's shoulders. "You're tense," he observed, and she was.

"Nick the Dick, really?" Olivia sighed. "I know he's been a dick lately, but really? Like Amanda said, let's not stoop to his level."

"I only heard the last part of the conversation, the part about the phone. I heard her stand up for him…pissed me off a little, I'll admit." He stopped messaging her and sighed, "So, I suppose I should put a shirt on so we can go engagement ring shopping. Did you tell her that we're engaged?"

"No, it must have slipped my mind."

"Of course, so how long are you going to wait to tell everyone? Because I'm not gonna lie, I don't want a long engagement…time is ticking."

"No offense, Cassidy, but you're being a little pushy…" _And it was starting to scare her a little. _Maybe she'd made a mistake by saying yes. Could she really trust Brian Cassidy? Surely he had good intentions, but he had no right to pressure her into marriage and having a family so quickly. He was right, time was against them. If she had given him a chance twelve years ago, then they would have had all the time in the world. But she hadn't been willing to take the chance at that time. The time had not been right. If it had, maybe they would both be different people now.

Olivia quickly pushed that thought out of her head. She didn't want to spend her time dwelling on what could have been, because it hadn't been. She had to make do with the present and what she had now.

"I guess you're right," Cassidy sighed. "I guess I've been antsy ever since you kissed me in that hospital bed. I thought that night we shared before Cragen found Carissa was going to be like that night twelve years ago, that it was just going to be another one-night stand, I had no high expectations like the ones I held twelve years ago. Then…in the hospital…I felt hope for the first time…"

"Did you love her?" Olivia asked out of the blue.

"What?"

"Did you love Carissa? Would you have married her? I know you and Carissa were having an affair and she was going to leave Ganzel for you. What would have happened if Carissa had never been murdered?"

"God, Liv, do we have to talk about this? It's all in the past. We can't change our pasts, it's done. I thought we agreed to forget the past and live in the present and for the future. And I've told you many times, you are the only woman I've ever truly loved. Carissa was just lust."

He was right. Forgetting the past was not as easy as it seemed. Of course, who could blame Cassidy for wanting Carissa? She was young and beautiful, every man's dream girl. She was young enough to bear Brian Cassidy all the children he could ever want. Somehow she envied Carissa. But Carissa was dead, and Olivia was still alive. Brian had to make do with the living, unless he was into necrophilia.

"Okay, I won't bring it up again…it's just hard."

"I know. So, Olivia Benson, the woman who I love and have wanted to marry for twelve years, will you help me pick out a ring for you to wear to symbolize my love for you?" He earnestly looked into her eyes and pecked her nose.

After a short pause, she answered his question. "Yes, let's go ring shopping."

She couldn't believe she was saying those words. She owned hardly any jewelry, just a few earrings and a couple necklaces that she wore on the rare occasions she had to dress in fancy clothing. She didn't have any rings. This was about to change.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thanks so much for the feedback! I had to laugh when Iwannahamberger2 called Brian a horny halfwit. It's so true!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Not longer later, the couple was visiting a diamond shop just down the street from Olivia's apartment. Olivia passed the shop on a regular basis, but she had never been inside.

"Pick out what you like. Whatever you want is yours."

"Can you really afford this, Brian?"

"Liv, remember I've spent my entire life alone? I have enough saved up to buy you the most expensive ring here and send our child to law school for eight years. I'm not worried about the price."

NYPD salaries certainly weren't over the top, but for a single police officer who had no family to support, the salary was more than enough. Olivia had a decent savings account herself. She often wondered exactly what she was saving for. She always figured her savings would be what she'd live off when she was too old to work, but she figured she would stay at SVU until she was forced to retire. She would be chasing perps in a wheel chair and interrogating them with her cane.

She saw a beautiful silver ring in the front row. Silver was definitely her color, not gold. On the occasions she wore jewelry, she always wore silver.

"I like this one," she pointed out.

"Ah, good choice. It is pure silver," the store clerk said behind the desk. "Would you like to try it on?"

"Yes, please," Olivia said. The clerk handed the ring to Brian. Brian grinned and bent down on one knee again, like he had in her kitchen. He took her hand and slid the ring on her left ring finger. It was a perfect fit.

"Perfect," Brian whispered.

"It's beautiful," Olivia said with a tear in her eye. "I love it."

"Then it's yours." He turned to the clerk. "How much for this ring?"

"Four thousand."

"Only $4,000? Are you sure this is the ring you want, Liv?"

_Only $4,000? Seriously, Cassidy? _

"It's perfect. Yes, this is the one I want." Olivia couldn't help but hold her hand out and admire the ring. She couldn't believe that she, Olivia Benson, was wearing an engagement ring. Never in a million years did she predict that she would have the honor to wear such a beautiful ring.

Interrupting her admiration, her cell phone started to ring. _Maybe Rollins found something on the person who's been pestering me? _She looked at the caller ID before answering the phone. It wasn't Rollins who was calling her. It was the pest himself.

"Okay, who are you and what do you want with me?"

"Are you alone?" the man's voice was still muffled beyond recognition.

"Who is this?"

"You know me."

"I figured that. You called me Liv yesterday. There are only a handful of people who call me Liv. Now, tell me. Who the hell are you?" She looked over at Brian, who had just handed the clerk his credit card. She figured it was safe to step outside now that the ring was officially her.

She stepped outside on the empty sidewalk and waited for the man to answer.

"Liv… it's El."

_El…as in Elliot? As in Elliot Stabler?_

"Elliot?" she asked. "Elliot Stabler, my former partner?"

"Well, I'm glad you haven't completely forgotten me. I'm a little disappointed that you didn't recognize my voice last night." Elliot said. His voice wasn't muffled anymore and she could fully recognize the voice now. It was Elliot Stabler indeed.

"You ass!" she screamed. _Who the hell does he think he is? He disappears into thin air for over a year then racks up the nerve to call and hang up, three times, without explanation. Who the hell does he think he is? _"I am going to kill you!"

"Don't bother, but that's another story…Liv, we need to talk. I've wanted to call you for weeks, but I just couldn't. I figured you'd want me dead, considering how I left …Liv, I'm sorry. I kept calling and hanging up because I chickened out, though it was nice to hear your voice. I've missed it. I'll explain everything if you'll just meet me for coffee and donuts, like old times."

"Elliot, you're a bastard. Do I have a choice to ignore you?"

"Well, technically you do."

She knew that she couldn't. This was Elliot, the man who had been her partner and best friend for thirteen years. She didn't know what she'd tell Brian. Obviously, she'd have to tell him the truth. The last thing she wanted was to start their engagement out with a lie. If she lied, he'd find out eventually anyway, and then he'd assume she was hiding something. He already seemed pretty convinced that she and Elliot had slept together at some point during their partnership, which was why she was hesitant to tell Brian that it had been Elliot who was calling her. She could see Brian not approving strongly of her choice to meet with him.

"I'll meet you at that old coffee shop we always used to go to. Does tonight around seven work?" she asked.

"Sounds like a plan. I'll see you then, Liv."

Brian had just exited the jewelry store.

"See you later," she said quickly, ending the call.

Brian Cassidy's face was perplexed. "So, who was it?"

"Take a guess," she offered.

"Judging by how you answered the call, I'm assuming it's the same person who's been calling the last few days…" She nodded. "…And judging by the length of the conversation, I'm assuming they revealed themselves. And judging that you're asking me to guess who it was, it's someone I know. Please, tell me it wasn't Dick…"

"Nick," she corrected. She wasn't too fond of Nick at the moment, but she wasn't going to put up with Brian calling him Dick. She quickly added, "No, it wasn't Nick."

"Then who was it? You're going to have to tell me."

She sighed and paused, preparing herself for whatever reaction Cassidy would give her. "Elliot."

"Elliot Stabler?"

She nodded.

"What an ass. Really, who has the nerve to call their former partner and hang up? Hell, I wonder what Munch would do if I did that to him."

"He'd probably make a conspiracy theory out of it," she noted.

"Good point," he laughed. They started walking down the street toward Olivia's apartment. "What did Elliot want?"

She sucked in a deep breath of air. "We're meeting for coffee and donuts at seven tonight."

"That's a strange evening meal," Cassidy commented. "Can I come along?"

"Umm…no hard feelings or anything, Brian, but I think this is somewhere I need to go alone. You're free to stay at my apartment while I'm meeting with him. He's my former partner, and I haven't seen or talked to him in over a year."

"Yeah, all the more reason not to trust him, Liv. I don't know how I like the sound of this…"

"I didn't figure you would, but it's something I have to do. And as for trusting people, Brian, I went twelve years without seeing you, so are you saying I shouldn't trust you?"

"I didn't shoot a teenager," Brian pointed out.

"He didn't have a choice," Olivia defended her former partner. "If it wasn't him, it could have been someone else; it could have been me."

"You're still loyal to him," Brian shook his head. "You're sure…"

"Don't even say it. Yes, I'm sure. I've had several drunken one-night stands, but Elliot wasn't one of them!"

"That you remember."

"Funny, Cassidy, real funny, and you can't get on me for bringing up your past relationships and then do the exact same thing to me."

He sighed. "I know, I'm sorry again, Liv." He kissed her forehead as they entered her apartment. "Go meet Elliot tonight, but make sure to tell him I said hello, and if you need me I'll have my cell phone by me the whole night."

She softly kissed his lips.

"Thank you for the offer, but I don't think I'll need the PoPo to protect me from the Big Bad Elliot."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Seven o'clock came and Olivia found herself outside a familiar coffee shop that she had frequented many times with her former partner. She looked around outside, and no one came. _If he stands her up, she's going to kill him, _she thought to herself. Though, how would she kill him? Well, she had his cell phone number now. She had one way of tracking him down now.

"Benson," a familiar, deep voice came from behind her and startled her. She turned around and there he was. His hair had thinned slightly since she'd last seen him; it also started to gray. Tints of brown still lingered on his balding head. Wrinkles formed under his eyelids and creased his forehead. The last year had certainly taken a toll on Elliot's age.

"Stabler," she said. "Long time no see."

She found herself forming a friendly hug with her former partner.

"Now, can I kill you?" she said.

"There's no need for that, Liv. The universe is going to do that for you, so no need to lose your badge over killing me when it's already being done," Elliot said. _What does he mean by that? _He then added with a smirk, "I'm sure that would look great in the headlines, 'SVU detective murders former partner for calling and hanging up on her after not talking to her for a year.'"

"El, you really haven't changed at all," Olivia smiled.

He shrugged.

Elliot opened the door to the coffee shop and gestured Olivia to enter first. Olivia immediately recognized the store clerk. It was the same man who'd worked there a year and a half ago, the last time she'd come for coffee and donuts.

Apparently, the clerk recognized them too.

"I haven't seen you two in a long time," he said, acknowledging Olivia and Elliot.

"Been busy," Olivia replied.

"Will it be the usual for you both?"

"Sounds good," Olivia and Elliot said at the same time. Olivia was impressed that he remembered their usual. Seconds later, the man handed her a café latte and a honey glazed donut. She and Elliot took a seat at the booth next to the window.

Sipping her latte, Olivia glared into Elliot's twinkling blue eyes. She could see her reflection in his eyes. She realized he was observing the ring on her finger.

"Pretty ring," he said. "That's not an…"

"Engagement ring," she finished for him. They'd known each other for so long that she had frequently finished his sentences for him when they were partners. Olivia took pride in the fact she still could. "Yes, it is. I'm engaged, and you're officially the first person I've told."

His eyes widened. "Congratulations, Liv. Who's the lucky guy? Anyone I know?"

"Actually, funny story about that…I'm engaged to Brian Cassidy."

"Brian Cassidy, the kid who used to work with us at SVU around fourteen years ago? That Brian Cassidy?" He asked and she nodded. "You've got to be kidding me. How long have you been together?"

"Well, officially about three days," she answered.

"Two days and you're already engaged? Liv, it's not like you to rush into such a commitment. How did you come across Cassidy again, anyway?"

"It's a long story," she sighed and went into about how Maggie Murphy had led SVU to Ganzel, where Cassidy had been undercover for three years. She told him about Cragen being arrested. She ended with, "You seriously never heard any of this on the news or read it in the paper?"

Stabler shook his head. "I haven't read the paper or watched the news in months. I'm always afraid I'll see something related to SVU, and there are too many bad memories there." He frowned and asked, "Liv, why are you in such a hurry to get married? I know you and Cassidy had a thing awhile back, but marriage is a pretty big step."

Olivia suddenly noticed he wasn't wearing his wedding ring.

"El, I'm not getting any younger. I'll be 45 in January. It might as well be Cassidy. He says he loves me, and I think I love him too. If I want a family, then this might be my last chance," she whispered. "But enough about me, what's new in your life? You have some explaining to do. Why'd you cut me out of your life? Why'd you call me and hang up so many times?"

"Marriage is such a big step," Elliot said. "And thinking you love someone isn't enough. Heck, loving someone isn't enough to keep a marriage healthy…I loved Kathy with all my heart, but that didn't keep us together."

"What happened between you and Kathy, if you don't mind me asking?" Olivia asked.

He lips draped and his eyes saddened. "Liv, after I shot the girl…I had a hard time living with myself. I felt horrible, even though I knew I'd done it for all the right reasons. She was so young. I thought 'What if that had been my daughter?' I entered a very depressed state of mind, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not you, not even Kathy, so she left me and took Eli with her…I moved to New Jersey to live with my mother, who's been getting up in age and needed someone to take care of her. When I wasn't caring for my mother, I spent my nights at the bar getting wasted…then about three months after Kathy left, I got the divorce papers…I was drunk when I signed them…"

Olivia's heart sunk in sorrow for Elliot. "Elliot, I'm so sorry…"

"I haven't seen my son in almost a year. He's four, almost five now, and now I'm not going to get to see him grow up."

"What about Maureen, Kathleen, Lizzie, and Dickie?" Olivia asked. "How are they doing? They're all out of the house now, right?"

"Kathleen is the only one speaking to me…personally, I think it's because she's been through the most, with the law and all, and it was my badge that saved her. It's Kathleen who's been keeping me up-to-date with the rest of the family. I have to say, though, I'm really proud of Kathleen…she's really got her life back on track…she's started pre-Law and has had the same boyfriend for going on two years now. She says she's not getting married until after she's done with law school."

"I'm glad to hear that," Olivia said. "After all she went through when she was younger, who would have guessed she would be the one to go to law school."

"I can honestly say I didn't see it coming," Elliot admitted, and sighed, "Kathy and Eli are living in Maine now. I guess Kathy wanted to get Eli far away from me so I wouldn't try to abduct him; at least that's how Kathleen made it sound. Maureen got married last April and didn't invite me. She's expecting my first grandchild, due in February. Elizabeth is a sophomore at Hudson University and an honor student, and Richard—as he likes to be called now—joined the military and is in California on base."

"Gosh, El, I don't know what to say…I'm so sorry. Maybe I could talk to Kathy and get her to let you see Eli?"

"Why would you do that, Liv? I abandoned you and treated you like crap. I'm not here asking you for any favors."

"No matter what's happened between us, I still care about you, El. You were my partner for thirteen years. No one knows me better than you, and I think it's safe to say that I know you better than most. But if you're not here for a favor, then why are you here? Why did you call me and hang up?"

There was a long pause, and finally Elliot answered, "Liv, I'm chicken shit is what I am. I can't believe I'm admitting that I am, but I guess that's what happens to you when you find out..." He stopped and cleared his throat. Were those tears in Elliot Stabler's eyes? "I wanted to hear your voice, I wanted to talk to you, but I figured you wouldn't want to talk to me. But, Liv, there's something I need to tell you, something I haven't told Kathleen or my mother yet…and for the first time in my life, I'm truly scared."

"El, what is it? You can tell me anything."

"I went to the doctor a few weeks ago…"

"And?"

"Liv," he said. "I have acute myeloid leukemia."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Eeeek! *takes a bullet*

For the first time since I started this story, the next chapter has not been written yet as I am posting this; and I'm not sure when it will be. Hopefully I'll have some time to write on Friday, but I have a fairly busy weekend ahead.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Olivia was speechless. She gazed into Elliot Stabler's melancholy eyes. It was evident that he was fighting tears; Olivia tried to recall a time she had seen Elliot Stabler cry, but she couldn't at that moment. Maybe it was because the times were so seldom, or they didn't exist. She wasn't sure.

She was in disbelief and denial of the words she'd just heard. _It can't be. He can't be sick. This isn't happening. _Her body filled with remorse for Elliot. She couldn't imagine going through what he was going through. His family wasn't talking to him, and now this. Guilt tripped over her, remembering the statements she'd made earlier on the phone and when she and Elliot had first met up.

"_Can I kill you now?" _she had asked.

His response made complete sense now.

"_The universe is doing that for you."_

He had to fight, right? He had to fight against the universe. He could get through this.

"El," she said softly. "You're going to fight this, right? There are treatments."

Elliot buried his face in his hands, sobbing. He looked up moments later. His bloodshot eyes look at Olivia, who also was fighting back tears now. She wanted to stay strong for Elliot.

His face was red, and he fumed, "Liv, what's the point? If I had something worth fighting for, I would fight. But the simple fact is I don't."

"El, you have plenty worth fighting for. I'm sure that if you tell Kathy and your kids…"

"…Why should I?" Elliot asked fiercely. "I don't want them to pity me. It was their choice to quit speaking to me, and I don't want to burden them with my disease. Liv, they're better off without me."

"El, that's not true!" Olivia cried. Tears were uncontrollably streaming down her cheeks now. "You _know _that's not true."

"I don't, and I truly believe it is true," Elliot folded his arms. "Liv, you can't convince me otherwise. I'm only here to tell you because I wanted to end things on a good note between us. I couldn't live with myself knowing the way that I had SVU without saying goodbye to you. I wish you the best with Cassidy. If he makes you happy, then that's all that matters. You of all people deserve to be happy."

"El…"

He stood up, although his coffee was only half finished.

"Liv, it was nice seeing you again, but I should be going now. Can you promise me something?"

_He can't go, _she thought. _Not so soon. _Her hands trembled on her barely touched coffee mug. She wasn't just going to let him disappear forever.

"El, I'll do anything for you," she said.

"Promise me you won't try to find me again. I don't want you to see me get sicker. Promise me you won't track down Kathy or my kids. I don't want anyone to see me suffer."

"Elliot! Please," she begged, standing up and grabbing Elliot's shoulders. She looked into his tearful red eyes. "Go to the doctor, take the treatments—"

"No, Olivia," he cut in. "I won't put my family through it. This is how it has to be. I knew you would fight me on this. This is what I want. Please, promise me you'll respect that."

Was he insane? How was she supposed to promise that she was going to knowingly let him kill himself?

"Elliot, you're asking me to let you eat your gun," she said. Her hands gripped onto his shoulders, not ready to let him go.

"You're not my partner anymore, Olivia," Elliot whispered. "You don't have to protect me anymore. I'm on my own and have to fend for myself."

"Partner or not," Olivia started, "I still feel like it's my obligation to make sure you're okay. This just doesn't feel right."

"Well, stop feeling obligated to take care of me. You can't. Please, promise me. It's my dying wish," Elliot said. His nose was red, and she gently touched his wet face.

Her throat burned as tears began to wash her face.

"Okay, you win," she gasped. "I promise."

As she spoke those words, she knew in her heart that was one promise she couldn't guarantee herself to keep. She'd already begun devising ways to break the promise. What could she do? Call Kathy? She could already imagine Kathy's reaction to Olivia's call. What if Kathy was upset that Elliot had told Olivia and not her? What if, aside from everything, Kathy truly did not care about Elliot anymore and was glad that he'd soon be dead? Over the years Olivia had known Kathy, Olivia had never projected her to be a cold, heartless person. Surely, Kathy would feel remorse for her ex-husband and want to help him. After all, he was the father of their five children.

What else could she do? She could contact Kathleen. Olivia still had Kathleen's cell phone number programmed in her phone, so she could easily call her. Kathleen would care; after all, she was the only child still talking to her father.

Or, what if Olivia respected her former partner's wishes and did nothing, like he wanted? He had to know that was too much for her. After being partnered with her for twelve years, how could he expect her to keep such a promise?

"Thank you, Olivia," he told her.

She hugged him one last time.

"I'm going to miss you, Stabler," she said, sobbing.

"You'll be just fine, Olivia. You've done just fine the last year and a half without me, and you'll do fine once I'm gone for good," he told her, his arms still wrapped around her. "Don't miss me, Olivia."

_How can she not? _Olivia thought to herself. She'd never stopped missing Elliot. There were times she didn't think of him as much because her life had kept her busy. But at the end of the day, when she lay in bed alone, he always crossed her mind at some point or another.

He let go of her and gazed into her eyes one last time.

"This is goodbye, Olivia."

* * *

**Author's Note: **So sad! I almost cried while writing this. Do you think Olivia will keep her promise?


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Olivia returned to her apartment to find Brian lying on her couch. Her eyes were still bloodshot, and Brian instantly noticed something was wrong.

"What's wrong, Liv? You look like you've been crying."

Brian immediately sat and motioned for her to join him. Olivia hung her jacket on the chair and joined her fiancé on the couch. She didn't say a word; she just fell into Brian's chest. Brian wrapped his arms around Olivia, cradling her tight.

"Liv, tell me what's wrong," he whispered after some time of holding her. "What did Elliot do to you? If he hurt you, I'll kill him." He slowly rubbed her back in a circular motion.

"Elliot did nothing to me," she mouthed dryly. She started to cry harder. How could Brian say such horrible words? Then she reminded herself, he didn't know. It wasn't his fault.

"Babe, what is it? Why are you so upset? I can only assume it has something to do with Elliot. He's who you told me you were going to see. If he didn't hurt you, then what happened?" He stroked her hair. She knew that he was only trying to help, but she just was having a hard time forming the words to explain what had happened. By saying it out loud, would only make the situation more real.

She wiped away her tears and looked into Brian Cassidy's handsome eyes.

"Brian, Elliot's dying. He has leukemia. He wanted to see me to say goodbye…and he made me promise not to ever come looking for him again, or to tell anyone…his wife and kids don't know yet, either; and he made me promise not to tell them because he doesn't want them to see him suffer." It was a mouthful. Now that she had said it out loud for the first time, suddenly it had become a living reality. She coughed and phlegm sat in the back of her throat. She swallowed.

"That's horrible!" Brian reacted with complete shock.

"I don't know what to do," Olivia released an exasperating sigh. "I can't just let him die. That's not right. I feel like I need to do something."

Brian continued to comfort her, rubbing her shoulders.

"You can't save everyone, honey. If Elliot doesn't want you to tell his family, then you've got to respect his wishes. It's the right thing to do."

"Then why does it feel so wrong?" she shot back. "How is it the right thing to just sit here and let my former partner, my best friend, die? He can get treatment and live! I can't do this, Brian. I can't live with myself!"

Brian took her hand and placed his hand on her cheek. His hands were so warm. Her body had lost all its heat as the moisture exited her eyes.

He pecked her forehead and said, "Sweetheart, you can't play God. I know you want to, but it's out of your control. Elliot seems to have made up his mind, and there's nothing you can do."

"I can call his wife or his daughter," Olivia insisted.

"You could," Brian said and continued, "but then Elliot might never forgive you. Do you want that? And even if he does receive treatment, what if he doesn't make it through? Leukemia is serious business, and even those who do receive treatment don't always survive. Oftentimes the treatments are more painful than the disease itself. Besides, talking to his wife or his daughter isn't necessarily going to convince him to get treatment. It's just going to cause his family more stress."

Olivia knew Brian had a point, but she knew that if she told Kathleen or Kathy about Elliot's condition, the chances were they'd confront him. He'd realize that he had a family worth fighting for. Then, he'd decide to get treatment. At least, that's what she'd hope the outcome would be.

"You speak like you're talking from personal experience," Olivia whispered, acknowledging Brian's apparent insight of the disease.

He nodded. "That's because I do. My mother has battled the disease for eleven years now. I found out a year after I left SVU. She's been through so many treatments."

"And she's still alive," Olivia said in shock. She'd had no idea about Cassidy's mother.

"She is. She's been in remission for five years now. It wasn't an easy battle for her, and she always lives in fear of relapsing. Plus, when she was taking the treatments, she made several friends who were also getting the same treatments. Some didn't make it."

Olivia understood where Brian was coming from. Even if Elliot could be convinced to take the treatments, he might not survive. They might just prolong his pain. Nonetheless, it would give him a chance to see his son grow up. Eli would get a chance to know his father. Maureen would speak to him again, and Elliot could meet his grandchild when he or she is born. Olivia just couldn't see herself sitting this one out.

"Brian, I know you have a point, but your mother…she's a success story and Elliot's quite a bit younger than your mother."

"That he may be, but none of it matters. This is Elliot's life, and I know you were partners and good friends. Liv, you've got to let him go. It's just not right for you to go against his wishes."

She knew that Brian was right. If she did break her promise, Elliot would resent her. Elliot's whole purpose of finding her again was to make things right between the former partners. She needed to respect that and leave it at that. She wanted her final encounter with Elliot Stabler to be a good one, not one where he resented her. What if Olivia called Kathy, and she convinced Elliot to take treatment. Elliot took the treatment, and it was more painful than the actual disease. He would hate Olivia, and that's the last thing she wanted.

"You're right," she mouthed. "I…I'll let him go."

She knew this was going to be the hardest thing she'd ever had to do in her life.

"Liv, sweetie, I know this isn't going to be easy, but I'm here for you…I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered and kissed him on the forehead. She realized that was the first time she had officially told Brian Cassidy that she loved him.

They shared a kiss on the lips.

"So, you're still set on wanting to wait until marriage?" he whispered in her ear.

She slapped him playfully across the face. She said with a smile, "You horny bastard." She kissed him on the cheek where she had slapped him.

"That didn't answer my question," he moaned. "And I'm sorry I'm so horny, but it's not every day I get to be around such a beautiful woman who keeps denying me of all sexual favors. I can't help but wonder if she doesn't find me attractive anymore because of my wounds."

"Well, that's certainly not true," she said. She stroked his chin. "If that were the case, I certainly wouldn't have agreed to marry you."

"I don't know…"

"In fact," she continued, seductively, "I happen to find you sexier with bandages."

She ran her hands under his shirt, gently hovering over his bandages. Their lips met and it wasn't long before they were in the bedroom.

That night was the first time either of them had made unprotected love.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

They continued to make love every day, sometimes several times each day, and every night for the next two weeks. Not once did they use protection.

Olivia often found her lying in bed wondering the chances that they'd conceived a child. She'd kept a calendar of her periods for nearly twenty years. Her periods were always regular, give or take a couple days. She realized after-the-fact that the first night was two days before she was scheduled to ovulate. She knew quite well that sperm could live inside the body for up to five days.

_What are the chances? _She wondered. She knew there were couples all over the world that actively tried to conceive for months. Experts said that it could took a healthy couple eleven months to conceive, when actively having unprotected sex.

Their relationship hadn't become predominately about the sex. They tried to make the best of their time off together. There were times they discussed the wedding, but now that they had started without further discussion trying to conceive, the wedding discussion didn't come up as often. They'd reached an agreement: they wanted a small, private wedding, without too many guests. They hadn't narrowed down the guest list yet, though. The fact that they were trying to conceive went unspoken, but both Olivia and Brian knew that was their intention.

About a week and a half after he'd been released from the hospital, Brian had to return to the doctor to have his wounds evaluated, to make sure he was healing appropriately and there were no traces of an infection. He was told that he was healing well, and he could remove the large bandages. The scars from the bullets were still present in his skin.

Olivia had been in touch with Munch, who had informed her that Cragen was scheduled to return to SVU around the time that she was permitted to come back to work if she chose to do so. Munch didn't say anything further about what Amaro had said about her and Cassidy. He also didn't mention Rollins visiting her at her apartment.

Olivia had not spoken to Rollins since that day, either. Fin had called her once to see how things were holding up. She'd assured him everything was fine.

There was not a day that passed that Olivia didn't think about Elliot at least once. As the days passed, she knew that he was getting sicker. She hadn't said a word to anyone other than Brian. She'd considered telling Munch and Fin, but in the end she'd decided against it.

One day she had scrolled through her contacts and landed on Kathleen's name. She'd considered calling the number, then Cassidy walked in the room and she stopped herself.

Brian was contemplating on whether or not to return to Narcotics. He'd insisted that he really didn't like Narcotics in the first place. Olivia had told him that she would respect his decision either way. There were times that he'd hinted that he wanted to return to SVU, though Olivia didn't know if that was the best idea. Now that they were actually together as a couple, the idea of working side-by-side with him again seemed preposterous. The fact that they worked in the same precinct had been the number one reason she'd turned him down in the past. She had no intentions of leaving him again, and she didn't want to risk their relationship status by his returning to SVU. She'd hinted her feelings in the past, but she wasn't sure if he'd gotten the memo.

He constantly talked about how he missed his squad members at SVU, including her, Munch, and Cragen. After all, they were the only three original members of the squad that remained. None of the people he worked with in Narcotics could match up, he'd insisted.

His captain had contacted him a few times, though he was consistent about missing the calls. Olivia didn't know if he was trying to lose his job entirely.

"You know," she began one day as she and Brian snuggled on the couch; it happened to be the day that marked her two-week vacation from SVU. Fall had drastically arrived. The long, burdensome summer heat was behind them and snuggling season had arrived. Olivia was just grateful to have someone to snuggle with this fall. "Maybe it's time for a career change, Brian. If you really hate your job so much, maybe it's time."

"I don't know, Liv," he sighed. "I just don't know what I want anymore…other than you, that is." He smiled genuinely at her and kissed her on the forehead.

"I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if it's me you really want, or if it's my eggs," she said, chuckling. She was part joking and part serious.

"Hey, you do make the best scrambled eggs for breakfast," Brian winked.

"You don't like scrambled eggs, babe. Nice try."

"Damn. I was so close."

Her phone buzzed on the end table. She reached over Cassidy and grabbed it. Her eyes widened when she it was Amaro. She showed the caller ID to Cassidy, whose eyes also grew.

"You should ignore it," he suggested.

She shook her head, knowing she couldn't do that.

"Benson," she answered.

"Hey, Liv…long time no talk. How's it going?" Nick Amaro's voice echoed against her eardrum. Her heart pounded harder. Anger throbbed in her veins with Nick's apparent attitude that nothing had ever come between them.

Nonetheless, she played along.

"Oh, everything has been going well. What about you?"

"Well, you see, that's why I was calling…" _Here it comes, _Olivia thought_, the real reason he's calling. _"Have you given your card to anyone?"

"Not recently, I've given my card to thousands of people over the years, but not within the last two weeks. Why?"

"A Jane Doe showed up this morning and she had your card in her coat pocket. Munch wanted me to call you and see what you know."

It wasn't the first victim to be found with Olivia's card. Olivia couldn't remember everyone she'd given the card to. The fact simple fact was she had not given anyone her card in over two weeks. How long had the victim had her card in her coat pocket? If the person hadn't washed their coat, it could have there for years.

"I know nothing without seeing her. Sorry, I'm not much help."

"Oh, well, Munch also wanted me to ask you if you were planning on returning to work this week. Not gonna lie, we were all sort of surprised when we didn't see you at your desk this morning. It's been two weeks now, and yeah, you're not one to stay away from the job longer than you have to. I was kind of disappointed. No offense to Munch, but I'm kind of sick of being partnered with him. Cragen is supposed to be back tomorrow."

She let him ramble, still dumb-struck with confusion.

"Are you implying you miss me, Amaro?" she asked.

"I guess that's what I'm trying to say. Whether you're returning or not, Munch wants you to come down to the morgue and see if you recognize the dead girl."

"I can do that," Olivia replied. "I'll be there in about an hour."

"I'll meet you there, then," Amaro insisted.

"See you then," she said, ending the call and looking toward Brian.

"Okay, what was that?" he mouthed. "Amaro misses you?"

"I guess, but a Jane Doe is in the morgue and she had my card on her. I have to go meet Nick there and see if I recognize her."

"Can I come along?" Brian gave her a puppy dog look.

"I don't know if that's such a wise idea…" His puppy dog face did not go away, and she knew that he was going to make it difficult for her to get away without him. "…I guess it's okay, if you're up for seeing Nick today."

"Meh, I can handle him," he shrugged. "I did survive the gun he put to my face, after all."

About an hour later, Brian and Olivia arrived at the morgue. Nick was standing outside waiting for her. Olivia observed immediate disapproval in Nick Amaro's face when he saw Brian Cassidy walking beside Olivia.

"I should have known you would have your new partner with you," Nick snidely remarked.

"Don't worry, Liv, he's just jealous that you're mine and not his," Brian smiled, not hesitating to grab Olivia's hand in front of Nick.

"Oh, shut up!" Nick growled. "I'm _married_."

"Well, then where's your ring?" Brian pointed out, observing the fact that Nick was not wearing his wedding ring.

"Boys, stop!" Olivia broke in. "Let's not forget why we're here. Where's Jane Doe, Amaro?"

"Melinda's waiting for us inside. C'mon," Amaro answered.

The three walked through the morgue's door. As they were walking down the hallway toward Melinda's office, Olivia asked Amaro, "So, is there anything else you can tell me about this Jane Doe?"

"She was found in an ally not far from Hudson University. I would say she's in her late teens, early twenties. She wasn't wearing any clothes other than the jacket that had your card in it. She was raped, but the perp used a condom so we have nothing else to go on right now."

Olivia nodded, in sympathy for the victim. There wasn't a story that pained her more than hearing about a young girl's rape, and in this unfortunate case, murder. Though, Olivia knew that it was easier for the victims who were murdered than those who survived their rapes. Living in the shadow of your rape was one of the most painful situations a young woman could endure. Her own mother had suffered that pain, and Olivia had watched countless women suffer the same pain.

They met Melinda in the morgue where unidentified bodies lie cold. She invited the three detectives into the room. The air was icy cold. There was something about a morgue that always gave Olivia the chills. The room with the unidentified was even eerier and colder. What was it about being in a room with unidentified dead bodies?

"Thanks for coming, Olivia. Hopefully you'll be able to shed some light for this young girl. I've seen many rape victims, but there's something about this one that just eats at me," Melinda said. She met eyes with Brian. "I don't think we've met. I'm M.E. Melinda Warner."

"Cassidy, Brian Cassidy. I used to work for SVU about thirteen years ago."

"Oh, it's nice to meet you." Melinda gazed curiously at Olivia. Olivia arched her hand so Melinda could see the lovely ring on her finger. That was the first time that Nick Amaro noticed the ring, also. "Ah, congratulation is in order!"

"Thanks, Mel," Olivia smiled warmly.

Nick Amaro did not utter a word at that time.

"Well, let's get this over with," Olivia said, looking at the blue blanket that covered Jane Doe's body.

Melinda placed her hands on the blanket and slowly began to unveil the body. The moment Olivia saw the young girl's frozen blue eyes, her heart stopped.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Dun, dun, dun… who's Jane Doe? I want to continue to thank everyone who's continued to follow this story! I don't know when the next chapter will be written, unfortunately. It's the start of another work and school week, and I need to buckle down on homework. Hopefully I won't make you guys wait with this cliffhanger for too long. :)


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

The girl was at least five years older than she had been the last time Olivia laid eyes on her. Her appearance had been altered enough that it was understandable that Munch and Fin hadn't recognized her. Her hair was a red-tint; evidence of hair dye lingered in the strands of hair that connected to her scalp. The young woman's eyebrows and hair roots gave away her natural hair color, a dark blonde.

It was her crystal blue eyes that gave her identity away. She shared her father's eyes. Olivia had only one question: what was Elizabeth Stabler doing with Olivia's card? Olivia knew that she had never directly given her card to Elizabeth. Kathleen was the only Stabler child whom Olivia had given her card.

Elizabeth was always low key compared her twin brother Dickie and older sister Kathleen. Elliot Stabler's oldest and youngest daughters managed to stay out of trouble with the law. Elizabeth was targeted by a pedophile when she was younger, but that was the most presence she had ever had at SVU. The last time Olivia had seen Elizabeth was when all four of his oldest children had surprised him at the station one day about five years ago.

"You know her," Amaro observed the terrorized expression on Olivia's face. "Who is she?"

"You're not going to believe this," Olivia felt a tear form in her eye as tried to build the strength to speak the young woman's name. Finally, she whispered, "Elizabeth Stabler. She's Elliot Stabler's youngest daughter."

The room turned to ice with stillness. Melinda, Nick, and Brian all expressed the same shocked expression across their faces.

"Y-You're sure," Nick was the first to speak. "I mean, absolutely positive, Olivia? I mean, this seems so unrealistic. Wouldn't Munch and Fin have recognized her?"

Olivia's gut tightened as he questioned her ability to identify the deceased, though part of her didn't blame him.

"It has been several years since we've seen Lizzie. Her hair is darker, but I'm absolutely positive that this is Elizabeth Stabler. All I have to do is look in her eyes. If you have any doubt, I can contact a family member to come I.D. her," Olivia said. Blood rushed to her head and her throat began to dry up. Brian wrapped his arm around her, noticing that she was going into distraught.

"I thought you said Elliot changed his phone number?" Nick inquired and added, "And I don't want to put a family member through the torment of identifying the body if we're not absolutely positive that this is Stabler's daughter."

_Isn't that the purpose of having a family member's identification, to be absolutely certain?_

"Perhaps you should take this outside," Melinda suggested calmly.

Olivia nodded, taking one more look at the deceased young girl. "Nick, let's take this back to the precinct to discuss in respect for our victim."

Amaro nodded.

Nick, Brian, and Olivia exited the morgue and headed toward their vehicles. As Brian and Olivia were getting into Olivia's car, Nick said, "Wait a minute, he's not coming to the precinct, is he?"

"I don't see what's wrong with me tagging along," Brian said, glancing between Olivia and Nick.

"Oh, you have no idea the number of things I see wrong with this!" Amaro cried, shooting a disturbed look toward Olivia. "Olivia, for God's sake, he's not a SVU detective. Anything that's discussed in this case is not pertinent to him. It puts us in jeopardy with 1PP if they catch wind of this!"

When he said made sense, and Olivia could not argue with Nick

"He's right, Brian," she said quietly. She took her car keys and handed them to Brian. She gazed lovingly into his eyes and pecked him on the lips. Through her peripheral vision, she could see the disgusted look on Nick's face. "Here are my car and apartment keys. Feel free to go back to my place."

He pouted a little then took the driver's seat and inserted the keys into the ignition.

"I'll see you later. Miss you, sweetheart."

She realized this was the first time that they had been apart in two weeks.

"Miss you too," she smiled at Brian. She then glanced at Nick, who'd begun staring off the other direction. She sensed annoyance in Nick's body language.

Soon she and Nick were in his squad car together, she in the passenger seat and he in the driver's. The first five minutes into the drive were silent.

Finally, Olivia decided to break the silence.

"Look, Nick, we should talk…"

"Hmm?"

"Nick, I know you don't like Cassidy, but you don't need to make it so obvious. We're adults, not high school students here… and you're my partner, so we have to trust each other's judgment here. I trust Cassidy, so you owe him that much respect…for me."

Nick gripped the wheel harder.

"Damn, Olivia. I don't owe him _shit. _And quite frankly, I think you've lost your mind! You are _engaged _to him? Seriously, who gets engaged after two weeks? I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who thinks this. Who all knows about the engagement?"

Olivia didn't want to imagine what Nick's reaction would be if she told him they'd gotten engaged after two days.

_Elliot_, she thought, but she wasn't about to tell Nick at that time that she'd had contact with Elliot Stabler recently. Though, she figured it would come out sooner rather than later if the Jane Doe in the morgue was in fact Elizabeth Stabler. Other than Elliot, the only two who now knew were Melinda and Nick.

"You and Melinda," she told him. "Melinda seemed happy for me. God, Nick, why can't you just be happy for me? It's my life, not yours. I think I can handle myself; I'm a big girl. I've been handling myself for over forty years!"

That was the truth, too. Her mother had never been there for her when she was growing up. Olivia had practically raised herself from the time she was three. Her mother had been too drunk to feed her some nights. She could remember at the tender age of three when she would scavenge through the refrigerator looking for something edible to eat.

They were at the station, and neither Nick nor Olivia said another word to each other. Olivia exited the vehicle and slammed the door. She started walking into the building and did not look back to see if Nick was following her.

She walked into the 16th Precinct to find Rollins and Fin conversing at their desks. They both froze when they saw her walk through the door. Nick arrived a few moments later.

Munch came out of nowhere.

"Well, look who decided to show up today!"

_You're the one who forced me to take time off, _she thought.

Olivia did not respond. Instead, she found her eyes wandering at case drawing board. There was a photo of the dead girl she'd seen in the morgue. She found herself mortified as she re-lived the moment she'd just experienced a little while ago.

"You just came from the morgue, right?" Amanda inquired.

She nodded.

"Any idea how this girl got hold of your card, Liv?" Fin walked over toward Olivia. The rest of the precinct soon followed.

She took a deep breath. "Guys, you're not going to believe this." She felt their eyes beating on her. Taking a deep suction of air into her lungs, Olivia prepared herself for the declaration she was about to make. "I believe this young girl is Elizabeth Stabler."

The room went dead still.

"Olivia, why would Elizabeth Stabler have your card?" Munch asked.

"I really don't know. Maybe she got it from Kathleen? Maybe the jacket is a hand-me-down of her sister's, because I gave Kathleen my card. There are really dozens of possibilities, but I'm almost certain that this is Lizzie. Look at her eyes. She has her father's eyes."

Fin was observing the photo; his face insisted he was deep in thought.

"I definitely see a resemblance," Fin admitted.

"Okay, we need to contact a family member immediately to get them to identify the body. However, I need Elliot to be left out of this until we're absolutely certain this is Elizabeth. I don't need him coming down here and starting a riot before the girl's body is even identified. I recommend starting with one of her siblings," Munch ordered.

"I have Kathleen's number," Olivia volunteered. "I can call her. She'll be able to identify her sister."

"Kathleen? The psycho one?" Fin asked with an eyebrow raise.

"She's grown up since then," Olivia said. "I had her speak with a victim not too long ago. She's come a long way."

"Liv, call Kathleen, and I don't need to remind you to approach this lightly. I think you and I both know why," Munch instructed Olivia.

Olivia had the feeling that Munch knew as well as she did that if this girl was Elizabeth, some old wounds were going to be rehashed. No one on the squad knew that she'd been in contact with Elliot, and no one knew about his condition. She wasn't prepared to share it either right at that moment. Olivia couldn't imagine telling Elliot that his youngest daughter was deceased. He had enough on his plate already.

Then Olivia remembered, Elizabeth had not been talking to her father. This would tear Elliot apart inside. She didn't how long it had been since Elliot had spoken to his youngest daughter.

She stepped aside and pulled out her phone. It looked like she would be talking to Kathleen Stabler after all. Maybe it was destiny, if you believed in such a thing.

She scrolled through her contacts and found Kathleen's name.

After two rings, Kathleen Stabler's voice answered. "Olivia?"

"Hi, Kathleen, it's been a long time."

"Yeah, I haven't talked to you since Dad left the force. Is everything okay? Do you need me to come down and speak to another victim?"

"Not exactly. Kathleen, I do need to speak with you about something. It's difficult to talk about over the phone. Do you think you could drop by the station?" Olivia tried to hold her composure. She was beginning to realize how difficult this case was going to be. She didn't want to show that she was struggling, though, because she knew they'd try to pull her off the case as soon as possible. Olivia couldn't have that. She knew that she needed to work this case and seek justice for this young girl who may very well be her former partner's daughter.

"Yeah, of course, when do you want me there?"

"As soon as possible would be great. And, Kathleen, please don't say a word to your father about this yet, okay?"

"Okay…can you at least hint what this is about?"

"I would rather not. It's a difficult matter that we need to discuss face-to-face."

"I don't understand, but it sounds serious. I can be there in about an hour."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Olivia found herself intently looking at the crime scene photos. How could this young woman really be Elizabeth? She found herself hoping that Kathleen would tell her that Jane Doe was not her youngest sister. Perhaps Olivia was just imagining the remarkable resemblance to her former partner's eyes. Olivia's stomach turned sickly as she visualized the young girl's eyes.

She soon found herself at her desk, pulling out a picture of her former partner and herself that had been taken several years ago. The picture used to sit on her desk, but after Elliot had left she'd stuffed it in her desk so she didn't have to look at Elliot Stabler every day that she sat at her desk. She could recall how infuriated, frustrated, and upset she'd been when he had ignored her calls, then he eventually changed his number so she had no method of getting in contact with him. Olivia could remember the nights she'd lain awake crying. What had she been crying over?

He was only the man who had been her partner and best friend for over twelve years. What was she supposed to do? Just let him go? In a way, it had been like…they were married. Though, they weren't. Elliot had always had a life to go home to when he left work. Yet, he chose to work overtime so often. She never understood why he just wouldn't go home to his life; she'd told him to leave, that she could handle the cases, but yet he'd insist on staying with her. She just didn't understand it. Olivia spent more time with Elliot during those years more than his own wife did.

Then, he left and abandoned his partner. He threw Olivia to the curb like their years of partnership meant nothing at all. Olivia had always imagined in her head that he'd gone back to his wife and kids, and lived happily ever after. That's what she'd hoped. She wanted nothing more than for her best friend to be happy. That was what Elliot deserved, after all. Kathy finally could have her husband all to herself.

But that wasn't what happened. In fact, it was far from what happened. Now that Olivia was out of the picture, she thought that Kathy would be happy. But somehow Elliot's distance from the job and the terror of shooting a teenaged girl had only driven him away from his family. Now, he was sick. And his daughter might be dead.

What was this world coming to? Elliot's world was crashing down on him, and Olivia felt so guilty because now she was about to have the life she'd always dreamed about. She had a man who loved her, and she honestly believed that she loved him back. They were engaged to be married, and they were trying to have a baby. It didn't seem fair. When she and Elliot were partners, Elliot had everything Olivia had always dreamed about. Now that they were apart, she had everything, and Elliot's life was crumbling apart.

Olivia imbedded her eyes into the photograph she held in her hand. They both looked so happy. Elliot's arm was around Olivia, who was wearing a lovely red dress. The photo had been taken at one of the precinct's holiday parties. Olivia could clearly remember posing for the photograph as John had taken it. She remembered when the photo was taken; it was the year that Kathy had filed for divorce. Despite the large grin Elliot wore across his face, Olivia knew that he must be burning on the inside. He always tried to hide his personal emotions from her. He would never tell her what was going on between Kathy and him. She understood it was his personal life; after all, personal life and professional life were meant to be kept secret, right? Yet, she couldn't help but worry about him.

"Olivia?" a familiar young woman's voice broke Olivia from her deep thought. Olivia looked from the photo to see Kathleen standing in front of her desk. Gosh, she looked more like her mother each time Olivia saw her. It was hard to believe that she was twenty-three now and in pre-law school. Olivia could remember when Kathleen was just nine years old. Dickie and Lizzie had only been five years old when Olivia had first met Elliot's children.

"Kathleen, it's been so long. You look great." Olivia tried to smile, but her facial muscles caused the smile to be forced.

"Olivia, what's wrong? You look like you've been crying. What's going on?" A concerned, panicked expression suddenly brushed over Kathleen Stabler's round face.

"Let's go somewhere private where we can talk," Olivia said. Her throat was scratchy and her eyes were fighting back tears. She could not break down in front of Kathleen; Olivia was a strong woman, and no matter how personal this case may be for her, she had to maintain professionalism. She and Kathleen had developed somewhat of a personal relationship after Olivia had convinced Kathleen to seek help for her condition. Although, Olivia knew that she couldn't take all the credit; it was Elliot's mother who had really gotten through to Kathleen. Olivia was delighted that Kathleen had taken her grandmother's advice and gotten help.

"I'm not in trouble, am I?" Kathleen asked, following Olivia into the room where victims were usually questioned.

"No, you're not trouble," Olivia said, taking a seat at the table in the room. Kathleen took a seat directly across from her.

"Then what's this about? It's not my grandma, is it? She's been so sick lately. I try to visit her when I can, but…"

"With pre-law school, it must be hard," Olivia finished Kathleen's sentence.

"Wait, how did you know I was taking pre-law classes?" Curiousness wandered in the young woman's eyes.

"Your dad, Kathleen; he didn't tell you that I talked to him a couple weeks ago?" Although, Olivia could already assume that he hadn't. Elliot's only intention in talking to Olivia had been to make his final amends. He didn't want his daughter to know about his condition.

"No, he didn't say a word," Kathleen responded quickly and added, "I haven't spoken to my dad recently. He's been kind of, um, withdrawn lately. I'm worried about him, but I don't know what I can do. Wait, this isn't about him, is it? Is my dad okay?"

_No, sweetie, he's been diagnosed with leukemia, _Olivia so desperately wanted to tell Kathleen, but she'd promised Elliot that she wouldn't say a word to his family. It wasn't her place to say anything, and even though before Brian had talked her out of it, she'd had full intentions of contacting Kathleen then. Olivia just couldn't bring herself to say something to Kathleen now. She couldn't drop two bombshells on the young woman at this time. Besides, Olivia had a gut feeling if Jane Doe was in fact Elizabeth Stabler, then Elliot's condition would end up coming out anyway. Perhaps, as horrible as it sounded in her head, this was what Elliot Stabler's family needed in order to reconnect. This was what Elliot needed in order to get the care he needed to survive. Elizabeth's murder would either bring the family together or tear them farther apart.

"I didn't call you down here to talk about your dad, Kathleen," Olivia assured her. "When was the last time you spoke with your sister Lizzie?"

Kathleen's eyes widened. "Uh… about a week or so ago? Oh my Gosh. This about Elizabeth? It must be, otherwise you wouldn't be asking. Is she okay?"

"Had Elizabeth been acting different lately?" Olivia delayed answering Kathleen's questions for a moment.

"Well, she dyed her hair red about two weeks ago," Kathleen said. Olivia's heart dropped like a hard rock in her stomach. She felt her face turn pale, and Kathleen must have noticed it because a panicked look took over her own face. "But—but I didn't consider that weird or anything! I didn't think much of it. She's nineteen and in college. College kids dye their hair all the time. I was nineteen not too long ago, and I understand wanting to experience with individuality. Tell me, Olivia. What happened to my baby sister?"

Olivia reached her hand in her pocket and brushed it against the photo of the deceased girl in her pocket. She slowly pulled the picture out and held it tightly, facing it away from Kathleen. Kathleen's face was pallid.

"Kathleen, I know this is going to be hard, but a Jane Doe was found this morning…"

"…God, and you think it's Elizabeth?" Kathleen broke in. Her eyes were fearful and already beginning to water. "No, no, no, it can't be."

"Honey, I need you to look at this photo and tell me if it's your sister or not. We called you instead of your father because we knew that it would break him, and we wanted to be absolutely positive that this is your sister before bringing your dad into the picture. And I know your mom is in Maine."

Kathleen's lip curled under her front teeth. She inhaled a deep breath of air and brushed away her tears with her hand. "Okay, I'm ready."

Olivia slowly placed the photo in front of Kathleen and placed it upright so the deceased was visible. The instant the photo was visible, Kathleen jerked back. She turned the photo over and tears flooded out of her eyes. Olivia had her answer.

"Kathleen—"

"What happened to her?" Kathleen demanded, bawling. "How did this happen? This—this can't be real! This is a nightmare! Please wake me up!"

Kathleen buried her face into her hands. Olivia slid off the chair and kneeled down next to Kathleen. She placed her arm around Kathleen's shoulder. Tears were soaking through Olivia's eyes too; her face was covered with moisture, and she'd barely known the victim. She knew the family too well. Kathleen buried her face in Olivia's shoulder for a moment.

"She was raped and murdered in an alley near Hudson University," Olivia whispered, sobbing with Kathleen.

"Why Lizzie? She never did anything wrong. She didn't go to near as many parties as I did in college, and nothing like this happened to me! If it should've been any of us, it should've been me. Lizzie was a good girl. She got straight-A's without trying, she was a role model for everyone. Damn-it, I looked up to my little sister."

"That's what we're gonna find out, Kathleen," Olivia said, softly. "I promise. We're going to find who did this to your sister. But we're going to need your help."

"I'll do whatever I can to help," Kathleen said. Her watered eyes looked into Olivia's own tearful eyes. "But, who's going to tell my dad? There's no way I can do it."

Olivia swallowed. She didn't want to imagine Elliot Stabler's reaction to his daughter's murder, but somehow she knew that she had to tell him. Elliot hadn't ever wanted to see her again, though. But he was going to.

"I'll tell him, honey," Olivia told Kathleen. "You said he moved out of your grandma's house? Where's he live now?"

"He moved into an apartment in Manhattan. It was kind of sudden about two weeks ago. That's when you said you talked to him, huh?"

Olivia nodded, wondering about the correlation herself. Was this the time that Elliot had decided he wanted to cut himself off from the world?

"Write down his address for me and I'll go talk to him," Olivia said, grabbing a paper and pen that happened to be sitting on the table. She handed it to Kathleen, who penned her father's address.

"I'll call my mom," Kathleen said, breathing deeply. "This is gonna be just as hard on her, but I can face my mom. I can't face my dad."

"Okay, Kathleen," Olivia rubbed Kathleen's back gently. She then stood up and began heading toward the door, Kathleen following. Olivia wasn't surprised to find John standing outside the door when she opened it. He'd been listening on the whole conversation.

"Liv, we need to talk," John said, pulling Olivia aside. Olivia waved goodbye to Kathleen, red glazed over eyes expressed her distraught composure.

"What is it, Munch? Have you found a new lead?"

"Unfortunately, no," Munch replied.

"Then what is it?"

"I have no choice but to pull you off this case. You're too personally involved. You fell apart in there just as much as Kathleen and I can understand why. You and Elliot have a history, I understand…"

"We do not!" Olivia interrupted. "We were just partners."

"Okay, maybe you don't have a _sexual _history, but you were partners for twelve years, and that's a history. I can't have you investigating this case. You can go break the bad news to Elliot, you can be moral support for the Stablers, but I can't have you on the official investigation. It's too personal for you. I'm sorry, Liv."

"You realize this isn't going to stop me from investigating…"

"Hence why I said _official_, Benson. I've worked with you for fourteen years. I _know _you're not going to let this go. Just let us know if you find anything, but officially I have no knowledge that you are investigating."

"Ditto."

Olivia knew from the moment she'd laid eyes on Elizabeth Stabler's still, cold body that she'd more than likely be pulled off the case. Munch was right. She was too personally involved in the case. She grabbed her coat and began heading toward the elevator when she realized she'd given her keys to Cassidy. Oh well, she'd just get a cab. That's when she looked at the address Kathleen had given her and realized Elliot Stabler's apartment was literally three blocks from the precinct. Elliot really had moved "close to home."

She sighed and prepared herself to walk into the most difficult conversation she would ever have with her former partner.

* * *

**Author's Note: I'm sorry for the delay! I've been so busy and stressed with school that this is literally the first opportunity I've had to write in several days. So, what do you think? It's pretty clear that Olivia still cares about Elliot. Will this affect her relationship with Brian?**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

_Room 320, _Olivia looked at the number plaque that was nailed into the wooden door in front of her. She compared the numbers to Kathleen's narrow handwriting. This was the address Kathleen Stabler had written down, the apartment where Elliot Stabler now resided.

Olivia took a deep breath before knocking gently on the door. Her first pound was like a tap, then she pounded harder so Elliot could hear her.

There was silence, as she expected Elliot may very well be looking through the peep hole right now. Her heart's beat doubled in speed, anticipating the door's opening.

"I thought I told you to stay away, Olivia!" Elliot's deep cry was muffled from behind the door.

"El, please open up. It's important…"

"And who the hell gave you this address? There are only two people who know it, which means you've done exactly what I asked you not to! You promised!" Elliot roared, his anger vibrating through the door. Even though the door separated the former partners, she could make out his voice loud and clear.

"Please, just open the door," Olivia continued to be persistent. She wasn't about to tell Elliot that his youngest daughter had been murdered from where she currently stood. The last thing she wanted was to make a scene at Elliot's apartment complex, though she wasn't sure if Elliot cared about that. He'd never been one to hold back making a scene in public, even if it had put his job on the line countless times.

The door swung open, and Elliot Stabler stood in front of her. Olivia's first impression was that he'd lost weight, even if it had only been two weeks since their last encounter. He wore baggy black sweatpants and a white T-shirt. He'd seldom worn sweat pants during the years they'd worked together. Whenever he dressed casual, he always wore jeans.

"What have you done, Olivia? What do you want with me?" Elliot demanded. The dark circles under his eyes had also darkened since she'd last seen him. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. His eyes were bloodshot red, like he'd been crying recently.

This man wasn't the Elliot Stabler she'd known, the man who'd been her partner and best friend. The man that stood before her was weak, powerless. Elliot Stabler had been strong and so full of life, even in his darkest moments. He was a man no one wanted on his or her bad side, because he could do serious damage, not just to your self-esteem but to your physical appearance. He wasn't afraid to mangle the bad guys.

"El, may I please come in?" Olivia asked quietly. She felt terrified. Terrified Elliot would push her away, terrified of Elliot's reaction when he found out the truth, terrified that this news could be the death of Elliot Stabler, a former decorated detective who she loved with all her heart—like a brother, of course.

"You're already here, you might as well," Elliot replied snidely. He stepped aside so Olivia could enter the apartment.

The apartment was barer than hers had ever been, and Elliot had always been the one commenting how her apartment was always empty. How ironic.

Olivia was shocked to see that the only piece of furniture in the living room was an old couch, one that Elliot could have easily picked up at any Goodwill store. There was no television or other sign of any electronic devices. The dining room and kitchen area was even emptier; Elliot didn't even have a dining room table. Olivia was willing to bet that his refrigerator was just as empty. Elliot really was setting himself up for death.

"Elliot, you know it doesn't have to be like this…"

"You're not supposed to be here. Nobody is supposed to be here," Elliot said. "Kathleen has only been here once, when she helped me move my stuff."

"What stuff?" Olivia asked, rolling her eyes. He had no stuff, at least what she could see. For a moment, she'd been distracted from the real reason that had brought her to Elliot Stabler's apartment. She reminded herself quickly, telling herself that this was not the time or the place to be nitpicking how Elliot was living his life. It was his life, and he had to make his own decisions. She was just there as the deliverer of bad news.

"Why are you here, Olivia? You talked to Kathleen and told her, didn't you?"

"No," Olivia responded softly. "Elliot, I didn't tell her anything, I promise."

"Then why are you here?" Olivia felt déjà vu for a moment. His voice shook with the same harshness she'd heard so many times before, only rarely toward her. It was the voice he'd used in the interrogation room at the precinct when interrogating a suspect.

"El," she began, trying to find the words to say. "I don't know how I'm going to break this to you." Her voice quivered and faded away, and that was the moment Elliot realized something wasn't right.

"W-Wait, if this isn't about me, then what's this about?" Elliot's tone changed. Olivia knew he could read the concern in her face. They'd been partners for so long, and he'd always been able to read her in the past.

"Maybe you should sit down," Olivia said, stepping closer to Elliot and gently placed her hand on his shoulder.

"No, Liv. Just tell me. You're acting like you're about to tell me that someone died. Is it Cragen? Munch? They're getting up there in age…"

"Cragen and Munch are fine," Olivia said, and as horrible as it may sound, she wished it were Cragen or Munch's death she was about to announce to Elliot. It would be much easier.

"Quit playing games, Olivia. Tell me who it is. Clearly it's someone I care about."

Olivia opened her mouth and formed the name, "Lizzie." Her voice was so quiet, that she could barely hear herself speak.

"What?"

"It's Lizzie, El."

Elliot froze. Then he shook his head. "Olivia, what is this, some kind of joke? Lizzie? You can't possibly be talking about…"

"Elliot, your daughter Elizabeth's body was found earlier today. Kathleen just identified her. That's where I got your address, and that's why I'm here. I told Kathleen I'd tell you because she was too afraid. She knew…"

"Fuck. _Fuck_," Elliot swore. His eyes turned light red. The liquid shined against his eyeballs. He turned around and smashed the wall with his fist. A devilish glare succumbed from his eyes, and suddenly Olivia felt frightened. She'd seen this look in Elliot's eye before when he'd gotten angry, but this time was worse. She felt herself worried for her own safety, but deep inside she knew Elliot would never harm her.

"El, I'm so sorry," Olivia said, a tear drizzled down her own cheek. Her heart ached for Elliot. She felt so powerless as she knew nothing she said would ease his pain.

"How?" Elliot yelled. Olivia hesitated, knowing this was not a good time to tell Elliot the details of his daughter's murder. "Damn-it, Olivia. Tell me how she died!"

"She was raped and murdered. Her body was found in an alley near Hudson University," Olivia whispered, knowing she was about to regret telling Elliot.

"This can't be happening," Elliot said. "_Fuck_, Olivia. Just kill me now. Take your gun and shoot me. It's the only thing that'll ease my pain."

"El, you know I can't do that," Olivia whispered. She clasped her gun that was attached to her belt. She wished she'd left it at the precinct, where it'd be safe.

"Then I'll do it myself." Elliot came closer to her and grabbed her shoulder. He gripped and began to reach for the gun.

"Elliot, stop!" Olivia demanded. She pushed against his body, trying to escape. Although she knew she was strong and he was sick, his strength still could overpower her. He held her against the wall and took her gun from its latch.

"You can't stop me now," Elliot told her. He stepped away from Olivia, whose heart rate slowed. Terror ran through her veins as she watched Elliot place the gun to his head. She was not about to watch her former partner and best friend kill himself with her own weapon.

"Elliot, no!" she yelled. "Don't do this, please. Your family needs you. This isn't what Elizabeth would want!"

His face was covered in tears and his bloodshot eyes aimed directly into Olivia's.

"Liv, Lizzie hadn't spoken to me in a year. She could care less if I live or die," he said tearfully.

"You were her father, El. Even though she wasn't speaking to you at the time, she still loved you I'm sure. All families have their ups and downs…"

"Oh, what do you know about having a family? You don't have one."

She felt her heart pacing faster, and her own face began to burn with anger. She realized right away what he was doing. He was trying to piss her off so she would stop caring.

"Elliot, I know what you're doing," Olivia whispered. "And it's not working. I-I care about you, and I always will. You are my family. You were my best friend."

"And I left you, Olivia. True friends don't leave each other. I am no friend of yours."

"You know that's not true, El. I don't believe you," Olivia said, her own face now covered in tears. With every breath she took, moisture built in the back of her throat. "Elliot, please, give me the gun… don't you get it?"

"Get what?" Elliot shook his head, the gun still in his hand. "What's to get?"

Olivia swallowed, not knowing how to tell him the words she'd wanted to tell him for fourteen years but had been too afraid of how he would react.

"Elliot," she whispered. "I loved you. I've always loved you."

* * *

**A/N - Oh my! My heart was racing throughout the whole chapter. Thoughts? Reactions? Does Olivia mean she _loves _Elliot, or does she mean it in more of a sisterly way? Will she save Elliot? Will she still marry Brian? I just had to leave this on a cliffhanger. **


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Elliot Stabler's pale blue eyes beat solidly into Olivia's eyes. Her heart raced, trying to read his expression, but Elliot showed no sign of emotion. They'd worked together for almost thirteen years and had developed a connection during the time period. Olivia couldn't seem to tap into the connection now. Had the year and a half they'd been apart broken their connection?

"Olivia," he finally said. There was darkness in his voice. Olivia swallowed nervously. "I've known that for years, you didn't have to say the words. You don't think I couldn't tell by the way you looked at me? That's why I didn't return your phone calls when you left. I knew that if I disappeared from your life, then you would finally be able to have a life of your own. And I was right. A year and a half later you're engaged. I'm the part of your life that needs to go away for good."

She was dumbstruck. Had her love for him really been that obvious? To the point he'd known all along? She blushed, feeling stupid.

"Elliot, you can't do this," she protested. "I-I won't be able to live. Elliot, if you shoot yourself, then I'm going down with you."

"Olivia, why would you do that?" Elliot asked, sounding confused by Olivia's logic. "I'm dying, Liv. You have no history with me. You have Brian now, and he's always loved you. I know he had a thing for you fourteen years ago, everyone in the precinct could tell. Don't hurt him, Liv. He loves you, and you deserve to be happy. Brian can give you happiness; I've only brought you heartbreak."

"Elliot, no…"

"I'm going to die in a few months anyway. This is the way it has to be. I'm doing this for the greater good." He placed the tip of the gun in his mouth. Olivia threw herself at him, reaching for the gun. He jerked away her and it happened so fast, faster than the blink of an eye.

"No!" she screamed as he pulled the trigger. She watched his body wither to the ground, the gun still in his limp hand. She fell down with him, watching the blood flow from his neck. "No, no, no." She lay down on top of him, burying her face in his chest. This wasn't happening, what was she going to do? How was did Elliot Stabler expect her to explain this to the rest of the world? A year and a half ago when Elliot Stabler disappeared from her life, Olivia never would have projected it all to end up like this. She never would have pegged Elliot Stabler to take such a selfish move. He'd spent over a decade advocating for and protecting the families of victims and the victims themselves. How could he do this to himself? How could he do this to her?

Olivia wanted to hate Elliot, but she just couldn't. How could she hate on the deceased?

She couldn't take her face out of his chest. She couldn't bear to look into Elliot Stabler's frozen blue eyes. Her tears soaked into Elliot Stabler's T-shirt, and eventually she looked at the gun still interlocked in his fingers, making a conscious effort not to look at Elliot's face. _This is my chance, _she thought_, to take my own life and join Elliot. _

But she knew she couldn't do that to Brian. She was better than that. Elliot was right: Brian truly did love her, and she couldn't break his heart like that. She did care deeply for Brian Cassidy, though she knew that he'd never be Elliot Stabler. She'd never have the connection with Brian that she and Elliot had shared. But Brian was a live body, and now Elliot was gone. Though, she'd always known that she'd never have a chance with Elliot Stabler. She'd accepted that he'd never be more than an older-brother figure to her years ago. _An older brother wouldn't kill himself in front of his baby sister. _She had to be asleep.

_Wake up, Olivia, _she told herself and pinched her arm. This was just a bad nightmare. She'd seen plenty of dead bodies over the years, and watched men and women commit suicide before her eyes. She'd never imagined watching her best friend, her one true love, take his own life before her eyes.

She shouldn't have come. Elliot Stabler might still be alive if she had not sprung this news on him. Although, he would have found out eventually; Olivia had just hoped it'd be better if it came from her instead of someone else. They'd all known that Elliot wouldn't take the news lightly, but no one could have predicted this.

Olivia was a wreck. She knew she had to call someone. She knew that she should radio it in, but she couldn't bring herself to reach for her radio. She continued to lie on top of Elliot, feeling as his body temperature went colder. Soon he would join his daughter in the morgue.

That's when she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. She looked at the caller identification first and read "Brian Cassidy" in big letters across her screen. Glancing at her watch, she realized it had been eight hours since she'd given Brian her keys.

"Hello," she answered. Her voice was grave, though she hoped Brian wouldn't notice.

"Hey, baby. Where are you? I haven't heard from you in hours. I called the precinct and Munch told me that you'd left a few hours ago. What's going on?"

"Brian, I-I don't know what to say."

"What do you mean? What's wrong, honey? You sound like you've been crying. Did the dead girl really turn out to be Elizabeth Stabler?"

"Yes," Olivia mouthed into the receiver. "Her sister identified her."

"Oh, my God. That's awful. How's Elliot handling it?"

"He's dead, Brian." Olivia's tears began to roll faster and harder as she realized the words she'd just spoken. Those turned Elliot's suicide from nightmare into reality. She just hoped that she wouldn't ruin her phone with the wetness.

"What?" a loud gasp came out of Brian's voice.

"He killed himself after I told him about Elizabeth. He attacked me, took my gun then shot himself. This is my entire fault, Brian! I could have stopped him…"

"Baby, no. This isn't your fault. He attacked you. Holy crap, Liv, where are you now?"

"I-I'm at Elliot's apartment. I'm with his body." An unsettling nausea entered Olivia's stomach as she came to the realization that she was lying on top of Elliot's dead body. The feeling was sickening, and she had the sudden urge to vomit. She tasted the vomit in her mouth and swallowed her own stomach acid, holding it all inside.

"Have you called this in to anyone?"

"No."

"Why not? Liv, where's his apartment? I'm going to meet you there as soon as possible. I-I don't know what to say. This is so…sick. I can't believe Elliot did this in front of you. How selfish."

Cassidy thought this was sick? She was the one who was going to be scarred for life. She was the one who'd watched a man who she had loved die right before her eyes. Brian was right on one part, though, what Elliot had done was so selfish. She thought about how she'd tried to talk him out of doing it, how she thought she'd had him convinced for a moment, but then he'd turned on her and pulled the trigger anyway. How was she supposed to live? She knew Brian would be there for her, but Olivia wasn't even sure if she wanted that now. The problem was, she didn't know what she wanted anymore. She wanted to close her eyes and never open them again. Part of her still wanted to take that gun out of Elliot's hand and end the pain. But she wasn't Elliot Stabler. She couldn't give up that easy.

Now she knew how Elliot had felt when he'd heard the news. She knew exactly why he'd done what he'd done. Only he'd had an extra incentive: his illness. It was only a matter of time before his time was up. She understood, she truly did, but understanding did not make the pain any less excruciating.

She gave Brian the address to Elliot's apartment and he was there in fifteen minutes. In the meantime, she radioed in the suicide.

She unlocked the door and melted into Brian's arms. When he looked past her and saw Elliot's cold body on the floor, his already-pale face turned ghostly white.

It was only a matter of time before police would arrive on the scene. Brian cradled her tight in his arms, and she knew she had to prepare herself for a line of questioning by IAB. What if they thought that she'd shot Elliot? They'd wonder why she'd waited so long to radio it in. Surely, one could argue that she had motive. She'd joked about it too frequently. A gunshot residue test would prove that she hadn't fired a gun that day.

A couple things were for certain: This wasn't going to go down well.

And she still needed to find justice for Elizabeth.

Olivia felt a sudden gratefulness for Brian's support, because she realized she was going to need all the support she could get now. She'd never felt so weak and powerless in her entire life. Olivia Benson: Daughter of Serena Benson. Conceived through rape. Raised in a living hell and learned to fend alone from an early age. Dedicated detective of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit for fourteen years. A strong, independent woman who fought to take rapists like her biological father off the street.

It was like her life had been crushed when she'd watched Elliot Stabler take his own life and spiral to his death.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Didn't see that coming, did you? Did I forget to mention that I'm part evil? (Anyone who's read my 7th Heaven stories knows that's a fact.) Well, now the SVU fandom has learned it too. *prepares to take a bullet from EO shippers* Sorry for teasing you guys. (Well, actually, I'm not). This story is Bensidy all the way. :)


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Brian continued to cradle Olivia as the sirens flashed outside Elliot's apartment. In moments, the paramedics arrived and removed the body. Olivia buried her face in Brian's chest. She couldn't pull herself to look at the scene of the crime. It was all so unreal. The man who had been her best friend for twelve years was gone, and it was all her fault.

She knew that she would not be able to live with herself. How was she going to look into the rest of the Stabler children's eyes and tell them that their father was gone, and he'd killed himself with her gun? Olivia thought of poor Kathleen. Kathleen wouldn't forgive her. Just a few hours ago, the poor woman had to identify her little sister's body. Now, her father was gone too.

Their world was just crashing down. Olivia had always considered herself Agnostic; she'd questioned the presence of an all-powerful God since she was a young child. Olivia wondered that if there was such a God, what his vendetta against the Stabler family was. Elliot had always been so strong in his Catholic faith. He was a good man and didn't deserve this.

"Detective Olivia Benson?" a male voice broke Olivia from her distant thoughts. She slowly peered at the man who had spoken to her. She didn't know his name, but she recognized him from 1PP. She continued to grasp onto Brian's arm with her right hand.

"Yes?" she answered, hoarsely.

"Is this your weapon?" the man asked her.

"Yes," she replied, softly. Her eyes burned with tears. Brian gently ran his hand across her face and wiped away her tears for her.

"You're going to have to come with me to 1PP for questioning," he told her. She nodded, nervously. The man then turned to Brian. "And, I'm sorry, you are…?"

"Detective Brian Cassidy, Narcotics," Brian said quickly.

"Ah, yes, I know of you. You were on a three-year undercover operation that recently ended, and if it's my understanding, your captain hasn't been able to get ahold of you since your leave due to injury. You might want to give him a call if you want to keep your job."

"Will do, sir," Brian said, glancing at Olivia. She could read the dread within his eyes.

"Cassidy, what's your relation to Elliot Stabler? Why are you here?" the man proceeded to question Brian.

"We worked together formerly at SVU. I'm sure you've heard, but my former undercover op ended with me working with my old SVU squad. That's when Liv and I were reunited…" he lovingly smiled at Olivia, and the official from 1PP shook his head.

"I see. So you two…are together?"

"Yes," Olivia and Brian answered at the same time.

"Hm, I see," the 1PP official said, pulling out his notebook and began writing something down with his pen. "Now, Cassidy, were you here when the trigger was pulled?"

"No. I called Liv, and she was in tears…I asked her what was wrong, and she told me what had happened. I came here as soon as I found out," Brian answered.

"So, she didn't call you, you called her?"

"Correct," Brian said slowly, and Olivia had a feeling she knew where this was going. They were going to try to pin this on her.

"All right, well, in that case, we're going to have to take Olivia over to our office for questioning. We have no further questions for you, Cassidy."

"I can come with her, right?"

"That won't be necessary," the man said.

"I'll be okay, Brian, I'm a big girl," she whispered in his ear and kissed him gently on the cheek. "Thanks for coming…"

"I'm not going to let you be treated like a criminal. I know how 1PP can be…"

"I'll be fine," she promised. "Call Munch and fill him in…I'm sure SVU has already been notified, though. I'll call you in when they're done questioning me, okay?" _Everything has to be all right, right? Things can't possibly get worse. _She blinked her eyes and tried to think positive, but knowing that her best friend was gone forever just didn't bring positive thinking. Negative thoughts pounded in her head.

She followed the 1PP official out to his car. A crowd of curious people was formed outside the apartment building. Word had traveled fast about the former SVU detective's death. He was a well-known decorated NYPD detective; surely, the city would want to know what had happened inside the walls of that apartment building. The media was also swarming around.

"Detective Benson, is it true that your former partner, Elliot Stabler, was killed with a bullet from your weapon?"

She didn't answer the media representative. Olivia knew better than to speak to the paparazzi now, because that was how words got twisted. Through her time at SVU, she'd learned when to speak to the media, and when not to. However, speaking to the media had brought upon a couple stalkers in the past. Why her?

That was when she saw Kathleen in the distance.

"Olivia!" Kathleen screamed as she spotted Olivia. She pushed through the crowd. "What the hell happened? They're telling me that my dad is dead! Olivia, please tell me this isn't true!" Tears streamed down the young woman's face.

"Kathleen, I'm so sorry," Olivia whispered hoarsely.

"What happened? Olivia… no, this can't be…I knew that he wasn't going to take Lizzie's death well, but…tell me what happened! You were supposed to make sure he'd be okay!"

"I have to go, Kathleen," Olivia whispered. "I'm so sorry. I tried to stop him…"

Kathleen reached for her shoulder, but the man from 1PP pushed her in the car.

"There will be plenty of time for consultation later," the official said.

"That was Elliot's daughter," Olivia said. "Imagine what she's going through now."

"Imagine the pain she's going to feel when she finds out her father's former partner was the one who shot her father, then put the gun in his hand to make it look like a suicide," the man sneered.

"Excuse me? You can do a Gunshot Residue Test on me, and you'll find nothing. I have not shot a weapon today. If you really thought that was what had happened, then you would have arrested me on the spot."

"You'll need to explain why you delayed radioing in the death, then," he said, and Olivia said nothing further. She felt like she was being treated like a criminal, although she knew that it wasn't the first time. It wasn't too long ago that she had been the suspect in a murder investigation.

She remained silent until they arrived at 1PP. She was submitted to an empty room and waited. Time passed, but since there wasn't a clock in the room, she had no clue how much time had passed.

Eventually the man and another man entered the room to question her.

"Detective Olivia Benson, we finally meet," the other man said. "I've heard so much about you. You've been at SVU for fourteen years now, right?"

"Yes."

"You know, SVU has been in all sorts of trouble lately," the man who had brought her to the office said. Olivia knew that he was referencing to Captain Cragen.

"My captain was cleared and is returning to the squad tomorrow," she sneered.

"Yes, he was. Now, I was looking at your files, and is it true that you were a suspect in a murder investigation in 2009?"

"I was framed for a murder, yes. My DNA was fabricated and my name was cleared," she answered. She hated how 1PP was going to bring up every part of her past and use it against her.

"Of course, that's right."

"Now, is it true that you've been leave from SVU for two weeks?"

"Yes."

"Why is this?"

"I've gone years without a vacation, and I wanted a vacation. There's no crime in that."

"We'll be verifying this all with your superior. I believe Sergeant Munch has been substituting while Captain Cragen was on leave, right?"

"Correct."

"What brought you back to work today?"

"Well, I was supposed to return today anyway. I received a phone call from my partner, Nick Amaro, telling me that there was a Jane Doe uncovered this morning with my card on her. I met him at the morgue to see if I recognized the victim."

"Did you recognize the victim?"

She swallowed hard. "Yes."

"Who was it?"

She took a deep breath, preparing herself to form the words. "Elizabeth Stabler."

"Elizabeth Stabler, would that be any relation to Elliot Stabler?"

She stared blankly at the 1PP officials. "She's his youngest daughter."

Both men stared at each other with wide eyes. Somehow, she seemed to have taken them by surprise. Didn't the powers at 1PP know everything?

"All right, so you went to tell Elliot the news of his daughter's death?"

"Yes."

"Now, you and Stabler _were partners for twelve years?"_

"Correct."

"That's a really long time to be partners, you know. It's rare we see partners…especially a man and a woman…last that long. Elliot was married, right?"

"Yes."

She wasn't giving more information than she was asked. The less information she provided, she figured the better off she would be.

"For being partners for so long, you two must have been close… you're single, right, Detective?"

"My marital status is irrelevant, but yes. Elliot and I were best friends."

"Just best friends, eh?"

"If you're implying that I slept with Elliot Stabler, you're mistaken. Our relationship was strictly that of friends and partners."

"I implied no such thing." Like hell he hadn't. She didn't appreciate the tone in his voice. "Now, Elliot left SVU a year and a half ago. Have you had any contact with him since?"

She took a deep breath. "Yes. We met up about two weeks ago for the first time since he'd left the precinct."

"What were the conditions for this sudden reunion?"

She swallowed hard.

"He wanted to say goodbye."

"Huh?" the men looked at each other again.

"He told me that he'd been diagnosed with leukemia."

"Did anyone else know about his diagnosis?"

"No," Olivia said slowly. "He and his wife are separated, and he didn't want his children to worry about him. That's why he kept it a secret. I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one who knew."

"Detective Benson, what happened today when you visited Elliot Stabler's apartment?"

"I'd just finished talking to his daughter, which is where I got his new address. I went to his apartment and told him about Elizabeth. He broke down, then attacked me and took my weapon from me. He held the gun to his head. I tried to stop him, but he pulled the trigger anyway…"

"Right, then what happened?"

Inhaling a deep breath, she said, "I was in shock and tears. I froze..."

"How do you explain the blood on your shirt?"

Olivia's eyes widened, having failed to notice the blood on the sleeve of her shirt. She must have come into contact with Elliot's blood when she'd lain on top of Elliot Stabler.

"After he pulled the trigger… I-I fell on top of him."

"Why didn't you contact the police immediately?"

"With all due respect, I was in shock. When was the last time you witnessed someone commit suicide before your eyes?"

"You have before, correct?"

And she had, several times.

"I didn't know any of them personally," she said flatly. "It's not the same."

"Of course it is."

"Elliot Stabler was sick and emotionally a wreck. The news of his daughter's death set him over the edge. Nothing condones what he did, and as much as it pains me, I understand why he did it. If you think that I would ever pull the trigger on my former partner, who I cared about deeply, I am sorry, but you're crazy. Now, unless you have further pertinent questions, please let me go."

The men's eyes were wide.

"Actually, we do have one more question…"

"Yes?"

"How long has your relationship with Detective Brian Cassidy been occurring?"

"Now it's my turn to ask a question. How the hell is my relationship with Brian Cassidy relative to this situation?"

"Detective Benson, we ask the questions. Not you. Now answer our question."

"We started seeing each other after he was released from the hospital, after the Ganzel case; so, around two weeks ago."

"The time frame happens to coincide with your reunion with Elliot Stabler."

"Your point? Elliot called me."

"We haven't figured out how it connects yet, but we will, Detective."

"Well, let me know, because I can't seem to figure that out myself," Olivia replied with slyness in her voice. "Now, do you have any further questions for me, or may I go?"

"I think we're good for now, but we'll be in touch. Until further notice, we're suspending you from SVU."

"Why?" her mouth dropped. This wasn't happening again. Her blood boiled with fury.

"Until we've connected the dots and ruled out your involvement in Elliot Stabler's death, we feel it is the best decision. You are free to go, Benson."

Her teeth curled over her lip and she bit down. _Pick your battles_, she told herself, and she stormed out of the room. She pulled out her phone and called Cassidy.

"Liv! How'd it go?" Cassidy's voice came through the speaker.

"Not well, I'm suspended again. Where are you?"

"I'm just leaving the SVU squad room, actually. A couple men from 1PP just arrived and are questioning everyone in the squad room. I managed to sneak out before they saw me, thankfully. Something tells me it wouldn't have gone well if they'd caught sight of me. I'm on my way to pick you up now."

"Okay…thanks…you'll have to fill me in…this isn't good, Brian…"

"It'll be okay, Liv…I'm not going to leave your side, baby."

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay! I wanted to finish _Man behind the Screen _first. This story is becoming a bit of a challenge for me to write. However, I do know where I want it to end, and I know you're all upset that I killed Elliot. Occasionally I kill for fun, but not here. There's a reason for Elliot's death, which will be revealed when this story is all said and done. **

**Follow me on Twitter at _paisleywrites_! :) **


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

A brisk chill hit Olivia when she stepped outside. The wind had picked up its pace since she'd first arrived at One Police Plaza. As the fall season trailed over New York, the Mother Nature had finally begun to cool the city. It was a nice change after the excruciatingly hot summer the city had endured.

She crossed her arms in an attempt to preserve her body heat. She wasn't wearing a jacket, because she hadn't needed one when she'd left her apartment to meet Nick that morning. It was hard to believe that earlier that day she and Brian had departed from her apartment with the intention of identifying a young Jane Doe. Olivia could not have predicted where that day would go. She never would have suspected that Nick's call would lead her right back to Elliot Stabler. Nor would she have expected that the call would lead Elliot Stabler to his death. It was part of the chain of events. If she hadn't answered Nick's call, like Brian had suggested, then Elliot Stabler would still be alive. _But still dying_, Olivia told herself, knowing that there was nothing she could have done about Elliot's condition.

It wasn't long before Brian parked against the curb in front of her. Olivia crawled into the passenger's seat. She found it strange to be a passenger in her own car.

"Hey," Brian whispered.

"Hello," she said back. "So, what's the scoop?" She wanted to jump straight to the chase.

"Munch wants me to tell you that the whole SVU squad has your back. They know that you would have tried anything to stop Elliot from shooting himself," Brian told her, rubbing his hand behind her back. He then placed his hand back on the wheel and began driving.

"Right," she sighed. "What about Nick?"

"Nick actually wasn't there when I was there, which isn't a bad thing necessarily. It was just Fin, John, and what's her name…the blonde who came to your apartment."

"Amanda," Olivia answered softly. She was baffled by the fact that Brian still couldn't remember Amanda's name. "Where was Nick?"

"John didn't say, and I didn't ask. Honestly, not sure I want to know. I mean, it's Nick…"

"Nick will be questioned just like all the rest. He's my partner, Brian. God, I don't want to begin to imagine the awful things he'll say about me."

"Liv, I wouldn't worry about it," Brian said in a calm, relaxed voice. "There's nothing bad to say about you, and I doubt Nick really hates you that much. It's me he hates, remember? Not you."

Olivia released a sigh, frowning. She knew that Brian had a point. Ever since Brian had entered the picture, Nick had made an obvious point to hate him. Brian had started the tension between her and Nick. Olivia felt as if because Nick didn't trust Brian, that he automatically didn't trust her. It saddened her, and had put a strain on her partnership with Nick. If you couldn't trust your partner, then there was a problem. She'd never had that problem with Elliot. Even though Elliot did have his anger outbursts, there had never been a moment where she hadn't trusted him. Knowing she couldn't trust her partner was a horrible feeling, but knowing that Elliot Stabler would never return was the worst feeling in the world.

"You're right," Olivia murmured. "His hatred for me started when you returned, but I hope you don't think that means I'm going to leave you, Brian. These last two weeks, gosh, they've been indescribable…I hadn't been that happy in a long time…everything was perfect, and then this…"

"Elliot Stabler always had a way of ruining our relationship," Brian said with a sneer.

"What the hell do you mean by that?" Olivia responded lividly.

"Liv, I know why you wouldn't go out with me years ago. It was him…I always knew. I mean, come on, if he hadn't been married, you two would have been an item."

"No, we wouldn't have!" Olivia protested, alarmed by Brian's accusation. Though, she knew that she shouldn't be alarmed, because he'd made the same suggestion when he'd still been in the hospital. "Brian, we were partners and best friends, nothing else. After being partners with someone for twelve years, a close friendship is a given…"

"You'd only been partners with him for a few months when I left SVU, and I saw how you looked at him then…" Brian said, trailing off.

She swallowed a lump of moisture in her throat, knowing Brian was right. Her feelings for Elliot Stabler had been buried inside her for years. However, she never would have acted on her feelings. They were partners, and never would be more than partners. She never would have jeopardized her job for any man.

"Brian," she said. "I would never have dated you or Elliot while I worked at SVU and you guys did, too. I love my job too much. The reason you and I couldn't be together was because I didn't want to risk losing my job. I was a rookie to the squad, I had no history, and one wrong move could have cost me everything. Now, can we please not bring this up again?" She placed her hand on his shoulder. "I'm with you now. Elliot is gone forever. He was my best friend, and he'll always have that label. I'm not going to stop missing him, but I'm in love with you now. I can't imagine losing you…even if it costs me my partnership with Nick…"

Brian had parked outside her apartment building. A tear was lingering in his eye as he turned toward Olivia. "I love you, Liv," he whispered and kissed her on the forehead. "I don't want to lose you, either. I'm sorry I keep bringing up the past…I'm just terrified of losing you again. Leaving SVU was the hardest decision I ever had to make."

"I know, Brian. You've told me," Olivia whispered, feeling the water build in her eyes.

"When I saw you in tears today, I was scared, Liv. I've never seen you so weak. You've always been so strong. You're a strong woman, Olivia. I've never met a woman as strong as you. I think that's what attracts me to you. You're so goddamn gorgeous. When I saw you weeping over Elliot, I felt like I'd lost you to him all over again…" he stroked her hand.

"You never lost me to Elliot," Olivia assured him with tears in her eyes. The burning sensation in her heart was undying. "I've told you this and I'll tell you this again, Elliot and I never did anything during the years we worked together. You're the only cop I've ever slept with."

Brian smile and chuckled. "I feel special now." He leaned over and kissed her. "Shall we go inside now?"

"I really need to call Kathleen," Olivia said, looking at her phone.

"Can't it wait, Liv? Let's have this die down first. Take some time, Liv. It's been a hard day for you. Identifying Elizabeth's body, seeing Elliot kill himself, being interrogated and suspended…wait to talk to Kathleen until your name's been clear."

"I don't know if I can wait that long," Olivia said. "Who knows how long it's going to take them to clear my name…damn-it. Also, I still need to find justice for Elizabeth. Hell, now that Elliot's suicide has boiled, it's taking attention away from Lizzie. I bet her killer is happy."

"Fin and Amanda were working on Elizabeth's case when I was there. I promised not to say anything, though…"

"Wait, what?" Olivia's mouth dropped. "Have they found something?"

"I'm not supposed to say anything, just in case it's nothing…"

"Brian Cassidy, you are not going to hide secrets from me. You've already implied that there's a new lead. Now, tell me." She sternly gazed into Brian's eyes.

"You know, you're incredibly sexy when you're mad…" Brian laughed.

"I don't find this a laughing matter," Olivia said in a matter-of-fact tone. "In fact, I'm insulted by the fact that you think this is funny. Damn, Brian, my former partner killed himself in front of me today, and his daughter's murderer is still out there…"

"Liv…" Brian began. "They have reason to believe that it's possible Elizabeth's killer is connected to Elliot in some way. They had plans to interview Elliot, but now he's dead...so that leaves the detectives in a pickle…Fin didn't want me to say anything because he wanted to talk to you himself, but he wanted me to take you home first and get you to relax. It's been a long and hard day for you. You need to take some time to cool down."

"Cool down?" Olivia's eyes widened. She was furious. How could she be expected to cool down? She'd just witnessed her best friend's murder, now she'd been informed Brian was withholding pertinent information to an investigation that she was personally involved with. "Brian, you have to take me back to the squad room now. I have to talk to Fin. If it's someone Elliot knew, then surely I might have come into contact with the perp! Elliot and I worked most cases together. Oh, God, what if the rest of Elliot's family is in danger?"

"Liv, you know I can't do that. I'm taking Fin's orders. Now, come on, let's go inside…"

"Brian, the time is ticking! This guy is still out there. We have to find him…" Brian opened the door and Olivia's heart dropped. "Give me the keys. If you won't drive, then I will…"

He placed the keys in his pocket and began walking toward her apartment. She pushed the door open and ran after him. He started unlocking her door, and she reached for her keys. The door swung open and he quickly grabbed the keys from the door and placed them in his pocket. She wrapped her arms around him from behind and tried to dig in his pockets. He turned around and kissed her on the nose.

"You know, you're not going to get them, beautiful."

"Give me my damn keys, Brian! Damn-it, they're mine!" She said, beginning to cry. Tears of sadness, anger, and frustration gushed from her eyes. She couldn't control herself now.

"Liv, everything's going to be okay. I'm here. Just lie down with me, okay?" He took her in his arms and stroked her soft brown hair. She didn't believe him when he said everything was going to be okay. How could everything be okay again? She'd already lost Elliot Stabler once, and now she'd lost him forever and ever. He was never coming back. How could she accept that her best friend was never going to come back? Before when he'd parted from her life, she'd always been able to hold onto the fact that he might return someday. She could hold onto the idea that closure might come. Now, closure had come. She hated closure with a passion.

Brian walked Olivia into her bedroom and they lay on her bed. She buried her face into his clothed chest. She cried until there was no moisture left in her body, and her cries became dry. Brian rubbed her back in a continuous circle, comforting her as she mourned.

She closed her eyes and wished that she could drift off to sleep, but her mind was too restless.

"Brian," she murmured, bringing her face out of his chest which had been soaked by her tears.

"What is it, baby?"

"What is the date today?"

"October fifteenth. Why do you ask?"

Her eyes widened and she reached for the calendar in the drawer next to her bed. When she looked at the marks on her calendar, her suspicion was confirmed.

"I'm two days late," she whispered with terror and anxiousness.

* * *

**Twitter - paisleywrites**


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

She stared at Brian's ghastly blank face. His dark brown eyes widened.

"Two days late f-for w-what?" he stumbled to get the last two words out. She grabbed his warm hand and felt his racing pulse.

"What do you think for?" she asked, trying to remain calm, but her own pulse had picked up its pace. She couldn't begin to describe the emotions that were gushing through her body. She wanted to be excited, but she was nervous. Part of her was worried that it was a false alarm. She'd been under an abundance of stress the last day, and stress was always a culprit in delaying her period. She was only two days late, and while she was usually regular, she had been a week late before, once. However, this was the first time in her life that she knew there was a pretty decent chance she _could _be pregnant.

Suddenly she flashbacked to the scare she'd had in college—the time she'd been a week late. The condom had broken and she had been frantic. Then, when her period was late, she thought the world was ending. Her boyfriend at the time hadn't been as supportive as she knew Cassidy would be. She was nineteen and he was twenty. They weren't ready to be parents. Nothing had relieved Olivia more to see the "Negative" line on the pregnancy test.

Now, she was scared to see a "Negative" result, but she still partially feared the "Positive" result. Her feelings were mixed. _Was she really prepared to be pregnant? _After all that had happened over the last day, was she strong enough to bring a child into this world? Two weeks ago, Brian had her convinced that this was the perfect time. It was possibly her last chance to have a child of her own. That was before Elliot Stabler returned back into her life and left, this time for good. Surely, she couldn't continue to dwell on Elliot for the rest of her life. Maybe a baby would be the perfect solution to getting him off her mind. _A baby, _she thought. _A real baby. _

Olivia's heart pounded at the thought of holding a live baby in her arms. The baby would be her flesh and blood. She swallowed hard, thinking of the genetics she could possibly pass onto the child. Her mother was an alcohol and her father a rapist. When she was younger and would think about having children, she was terrified of the possible genetics she could pass onto a child of hers. _You're not your mother, Liv, _she'd been reminded, and while she knew that it was true, genes were genes. However, both her parents were dead, and her child would never know his or her maternal grandparents.

"W-we have to get a test!" Brian said with excitement in his voice. The dreariness in the room suddenly had diminished as the couple's thoughts drifted elsewhere. He sat straight up and leaned over Olivia. "Oh, my God, I can't believe this might be actually happening."

"Don't get all excited yet," Olivia said, sternly. "I'm only two days late…it might be nothing…two days isn't a lot. I shouldn't have said anything. Now I've got you all excited."

"Shouldn't have said anything? You've got to be kidding, Detective." He lay over top of her and kissed her lips, now chapped from all the moisture being cried from her body. "I want to be here for you through everything, baby or no baby. Although, it'd be nice if…"

"Don't even say it," Olivia cut in, kissing his forehead and escaping from underneath him. She scooted off the bed. "There's only one way to know for sure. The convenience store is just down the street…"

"Well, let's go… I can't wait to find out if I'm going to be a daddy!"

Boyishness lingered in Brian's tone, and Olivia was reminded of a much younger Brian Cassidy. Images of her first year at the Special Victims Unit flashed through her head. She saw Brian in her head, with his quirky boyish smile. He was a little scruffier now, and had a few more wrinkles. However, as she could see now, the same boy lingered underneath Brian's skin. He was a kid at heart, and Olivia knew in her heart that he'd be a good dad.

They walked down to the convenience store. The temperature had gotten cooler and the wind had picked up even more since they'd arrived back at the apartment. She'd made sure to grab a jacket before leaving the apartment. Still, she clung to Brian's hand, absorbing the warmth from his body.

She purchased two tests, just to be sure. Her heart raced as she held the boxes in the hand, remembering the last time she'd held such a box. It was crazy that she was 44 years old, and this was only the second time she'd purchased a pregnancy test.

When they were back in the apartment, Brian wrapped his arms around her.

"No matter what the results are," he said, "I'm going to be here for you. If it so happens you're not pregnant this month, we can keep trying…"

"Thanks, Brian, and yeah, of course…" She trailed off, not wanting to think about the process of continuing to try. A knot tied in her stomach. Part of her felt guilty for going on with her life when Elliot's life was over. _He'd never put his life on halt for me, _she told herself, then pushed the selfish thought of her head.

"So, are you going to take the test now?"

"Pregnancy tests are most accurate in the morning, with the first urine of the day," she noted. "So, I think I'll just wait until the morning…it can't hurt to wait."

"God, I don't know if I can wait that long," Brian said with wide eyes. "You really know how to keep a guy waiting, you know?"

She grinned. "Yep, that's my specialty…"

"Well, now that you're calmed down, I don't know about you, but I'm starving…shall we grab a bite to eat?" he asked. "If you are pregnant, I wouldn't want you to be starving my child."

With all that had happened that day, Olivia had neglected to even think about food. Her stomach moaned, asking for nourishment. She nodded. "Yeah, I haven't eaten all day."

"What are you in the mood for?" Brian asked.

"I have to confess, I'm kind of in the mood for Chinese…"

"Okay, you have to be pregnant," Brian chuckled. "I remember a certain someone who used to proclaim their hatred for Chinese food on a regular basis. That's why I never suggest it…"

"I used to hate Chinese," Olivia acknowledged. "But a few years after you left, Elliot got me to try it again, and apparently I just hadn't had good Chinese, because I have liked it ever since…" Her voice faded as the memory of Elliot tugged at her heart. She took a deep breath, holding back tears.

"He really was a big part of your life," Brian whispered. "And you're never going to forget him. People come into and out of our lives all the time, and there's a reason for everything on Earth."

"I don't know…," she murmured, though she'd always known there was a reason Elliot Stabler had entered her life. He'd left such a big footprint in her heart and had changed her life forever. He was the longest "relationship" she'd ever had with a man. Even though what they'd shared wasn't the kind of relationship she'd wanted at all. Their bond had been stronger than that of husband and wife.

Olivia had always been bothered by faithful statements like "There's a reason for everything" or "It was God's will." If there was a reason for everything, then why were so many women raped each day? Why were children abused, and why was there so much turmoil in the world? If there was a God, wouldn't he take the suffering away? Why would such a great powerful being want innocent people to suffer? She didn't know what to think.

"What do you mean?" Brian asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "Let's just forget it, okay? I'm hungry, so let's go eat."

"Liv, don't close me out…I'm here to talk if you want to talk."

"When I say I don't want to talk about something, I mean it," she snapped fiercely. Brian flinched at her rage, and she sighed. "I'm sorry, Brian. I didn't mean to snap like that…I'm hungry, let's go eat."

"Okay," he sighed, and they went to a Chinese buffet not too far from Olivia's apartment. She hated buffets because she always ate too much. But she was always partial to Chinese buffets, and she didn't care how much she ate today. She just wanted to eat until her heart was content.

And that's exactly what she did. The restaurant had closed by the time she was done eating, and the staff was taking the food off the bar, which forced her and Brian to leave. She was stuffed, anyway.

With a full stomach, came tiredness. After such a long, hard day, it was time for sleep, and she could finally do so. When they returned to the apartment, she fell directly into bed.

She slept straight until she was woken by a loud bang on her door. _Amanda, _was her first thought, instantly remembering how Amanda Rollins had almost pounded down her door a couple weeks ago. She lay motionless in bed, not wanting to get up. As consciousness arrived, memories of the day before flooded. The pounding continued on the door.

"Do you want me to get it, sweetheart?" Brian whispered. She felt his warm leg against hers under the covers.

"No, I've got it," she told him, glancing at the clock. It was seven o'clock. "Go back to sleep."

"Well, I'm awake now," Brian said with a chuckle.

She'd been so tired the previous night that she'd fallen asleep in her clothes. She slid off the bed, not bothering to change or look in the mirror. Somehow she had a feeling that it wouldn't be a pretty sight. The person continued to bang on the door.

"I'm coming!" she yelled, running out of her bedroom to the front door. She looked through the peep hole, and was relieved when she saw Fin. At least it wasn't someone from 1PP. "Fin!" she exclaimed when she answered the door. She remembered Brian had told her that Fin had wanted to speak to her alone.

"Liv, no offense, but you look like shit. How are you holding up?" His voice was soft with concern.

"Well, thanks for your honesty. I guess I'm surviving." She closed her eyes, trying to push away all negative thoughts about everything that had happened the day before.

"I'm so sorry about what happened."

"Don't be, it's not your fault," Olivia assured him. "So, what's new? I'm assuming the whole station has been interviewed. Are there any new leads on Elizabeth Stabler case?"

"Liv, I think you should sit down so we can talk." She walked over to her kitchen table, where she saw the boxes she'd purchased yesterday. _Oh shit, _she thought, looking at Fin, whose eyes were on the pregnancy tests. "Do you have something you'd like to share with me?"

"I-I haven't taken them yet," Olivia murmured. "But, yes, I'm late…three days now."

"Well, maybe you should take a test first, and then we can talk?"

The bedroom door opened and a fully-clothed Brian Cassidy stood in front of them.

"I agree with Fin," Brian said. "Hey, Fin."

"Hey, bro," Fin perked up as Brian entered the room. _When had they become such good friends? _Olivia wondered, remembering Fin had joined SVU several months after Brian had left.

"Okay," she sighed nervously. "I'll take a test…" She grabbed both tests and headed into the bathroom.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

A large lump coiled in her dry mouth as she stared at the words on the pregnancy test: _Not Pregnant_. Her heart was racing a million miles per hour. Part of her wanted to cry, but the other part felt relieved. She hadn't had her hopes up, but she knew that Brian did. Of course, she had been too dumb to hide the tests; she had not been expecting guests that morning. Now, because of her stupidity, Brian and Fin were both in her kitchen awaiting the results of the test. It was bad enough that she'd have to tell Brian that she'd gotten his hopes up for nothing. She didn't want Fin's reaction. He didn't even know they'd been trying. No one did, and that's how she wanted to keep it. If she were to get pregnant, then that would be her and Brian's surprise.

Surely the delayed period was just a result of stress. She'd anticipated that all along. _Though, she hadn't been stressed three days ago when her period was due. _In fact, she'd been in a state of bliss. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she'd been that happy. Could happiness affect her period, too?

_Or_, a dreaded thought throbbed inside her brain. _What if it's the beginning of menopause? _She hadn't been experiencing any other symptoms, though, like hot flashes or cold sweats. Surely if she were entering menopause, she'd anticipate some other menopausal symptoms. She glanced at the other pregnancy test that she'd purchased. Olivia was aware that false negatives were far more common than false positives. _It's not a false negative, _Olivia told herself. She'd read the instructions and followed the instructions exactly. She set the other pregnancy test on the counter and decided that if she didn't get her period by the end of the week, she would take the second test. Until then, she'd just try to relax and wait. It would come, it always did.

She'd never wanted her period to come so badly before. _Because if it doesn't come, then I'll never have a child of my own, _she thought, shuddering at the thought that she could be entering menopause at the age of forty-four. She knew she was at the age that many women began entering that stage of their life. She'd become aware of her biological clock's ticking as she approached her late thirties and early forties. Now, here she was in her mid-forties, and she may have waited too long. Just when she'd finally decided to settle down, it may be too late.

"Maybe it's not meant to be," she whispered to herself. Here she stood, composed of the genes of a drunk and a rapist. If one believed in nature over nurture, then her child was certainly doomed.

"_And look how great you turned out," _Elliot had told her once when she'd made the statement about being half-rapist and half-drunk to him.

Then there was Brian. Olivia knew that he was no saint. He was a dedicated detective like herself. His mother was a sweetheart, and his father was dead. She didn't know much about his father and he'd never volunteered much information. Besides, what if personalities could skip a generation? She'd heard of twins skipping generations.

When Olivia was in her twenties, she'd pleaded with God to never allow her to bear a child into this world. Despite her question of his existence, maybe he had granted her young self's wish.

Her heart ached, thinking about all the children she'd helped throughout the years. The closer she'd become to the child victims, the more she'd longed for a child of her own.

She stared at herself in the mirror. Wrinkles had begun to form under her eyelids. Her age was showing. She wasn't young anymore. Her thirties were since past, and her forties were getting away from her. She'd spent so much time dedicating her life to her job, that she hadn't taken the time to slow down and realize her life was half over. SVU had sucked the life out of her. She loved her job; that's why she married it.

A tear rolled down her cheek.

"Liv?" she heard Brian's voice from outside the bathroom. "I don't know how long pregnancy tests take, but you're taking quite a while and Fin says it shouldn't take this long. Is everything all right in there?"

She took a deep breath and wiped away the tear.

"Yeah, fine," she called to Brian.

"Are the results back?"

She turned around and opened the door to face Brian.

"Yes," she whispered, and she watched his face fill with wonder and anticipation.

"Well?" he asked with eyes wide open. She closed her eyes, trying to hold back tears. "Are you okay, Liv?" She couldn't hold the tears back any longer as they started to gush from her eyes. She handed him the pregnancy test so Brian could read it for himself, preventing her from having to say the words out loud. He scooped her into his arms. "It's okay, sweetie. We'll keep trying. There's always next month, right?"

_Or is there? _Olivia wondered, not wanting to say her fear to Brian. She hated to crush his hopes and dreams of being a father.

"Yeah," she murmured. "Fin still out here?"

"He is," Brian responded softly.

Olivia released herself from his grip and wiped her tears away.

"Well," she said. "He wants to talk to me, so I should go talk to him…any idea if he has any good news regarding Elizabeth's case?"

"He told me he wanted to talk to you privately," Brian said. "Not sure what he has to tell you that he can't say in front of me, but hey, Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you won't tell him that I told you about them having reason to believe that Elizabeth's killer is connected to one of Elliot's previous cases, okay?"

"I won't," she whispered and quickly added, "Promise."

He gently rubbed her back. "Everything's going to be okay, Liv." He kissed her forehead.

"I wish I could believe you," she murmured quietly and departed for the kitchen. Brian followed her. She turned to Brian when they were outside the bedroom door, neglecting to realize they were within Fin's hearing zone. "Thought you said Fin wanted to talk to me alone."

"I do," Fin called, answering for Brian.

"Yeah, but I don't understand why. I mean, we're bros, right, Fin?"

"We shared a partner, so of course we're bros, Cassidy. This business is between Olivia and me, though," Fin told Brian, then turned to Olivia. "How about we go on a walk, Liv? You look like you could use some fresh air."

"Yeah, sure," she said. "Let me grab my coat." Though, she didn't know the temperature outside. She just anticipated it was cool outside based on the night before, and the fact Fin was wearing a jacket. Olivia knew that she needed more than a coat to cover her rugged appearance. At that exact moment, she could care less. She had too much on her mind to worry about her appearance.

When she and Fin had left her apartment, leaving Brian behind, Fin stated, "You sure have a nosey boyfriend. I swear; that dude has a question for everything. Should've been there yesterday when he was interrogating John and me…he didn't seem to understand that there's only so much we can tell him. Seems to think just 'cause he was SVU once, he's subject to all inside information. Don't get me wrong, I like him and all…"

Olivia wasn't surprised. She decided now was the time to tell Fin about her engaged. She held out her left hand and showed Fin the ring on her ring finger. Fin quickly grabbed her hand and observed the ring for himself.

"You're engaged to Brian?"

She nodded, not saying a word.

"That was…fast. I don't see you as the type to rush into a commitment like this. Are you sure about this, Liv?" When she didn't say anything, Fin continued, "You never told me the results…Liv…?"

"It was negative," she said quietly, neglecting to make eye contact with Fin.

"You two were trying, weren't you?" Fin asked. She didn't know how he knew.

"I'm not getting any younger," Olivia whispered. "Fin, this could be my last chance…" _If it's not too late already, that is, _she told herself quietly.

"I get that, Liv; but that doesn't mean you need to rush into a relationship with a man you barely know. Do you love Brian? I know John trusts him, so I'll respect him. But I don't want you to get hurt, Liv. You're like a sister to me, you know?"

Olivia didn't know how to respond. After Elliot left, Fin had stepped up and taken many of Elliot's roles. They'd grown closer than they'd been before. She and Fin had worked cases in the past. She'd helped him replenish his relationship with his son, but she didn't open up to Fin. The only person she'd poured her heart to in the past was Elliot, then he left her. And now he was gone forever.

"I know I'm not Elliot, and I'll never be him…"

"Fin, don't," Olivia begged. "I-I'm not ready to talk about it. If that's what you came to talk to me about, you're wasting your time…"

"I'm not here to talk to you about Elliot, Olivia. I'm sorry for bringing him up…I know how much pain you're going through. If you need someone to talk to, I do want you to know I'm here."

"I know, Fin. Thanks." She looked down at her feet as she walked, and watched her feet meet the sidewalk as they began walking around the city block. The sun had fully risen. She saw a crowd of men and women clasping to their children's hands. It must be a bus stop. Olivia observed the little boys and girls, and her heart throbbed, longing to hold her own child's hand as she sent him or her off to school.

"You would make a great mom, Olivia," Fin said quietly.

"No, I wouldn't," Olivia murmured. "I'm stupid to try for a kid. Isn't it obvious that I'm not supposed to be a mother?"

"Liv, that's not true. Why do you think that?"

"Why do you think I think that?"

"Seriously, don't pull the whole _I'm the daughter of a rapist and a drunk_ line again, Liv, because you know that's not who you are. You're an amazing detective and children love you, and that's who you are. You've overcome your childhood. You're stronger than you know."

"Am I?" she whispered, looking toward him. "Look at me. I look like crap, you said it yourself. I'm falling apart. I'm glad I'm not pregnant, because I'm in no condition to bring a child into this world."

"You know I didn't mean it like that, baby girl." He reached his arm out and patted her shoulder. "I knew this was going to be hard on you, and I didn't expect you to take it easy. None of us did. That's why I told Brian to take you home last night and I'd talk to you later. I wait longer, but this really can't wait…"

"What is it, Fin?" she asked. "Tell me, what couldn't I handle last night?"

"I know you don't want to talk about Elliot right now, but I need you to recall a case for me. John remembers the case because he worked it with Elliot, but he's gone senile on the details. We were hoping you'll remember more."

"Well, if Munch worked the case with Stabler, I doubt I'll remember many of the details, but I can try. El and I did talk about our cases frequently together, even the ones we didn't work together," she said, remembering the seemingly endless conversations she and Elliot had shared over coffee or sometimes drinks. They never seemed to run out of things to talk about. There was always a case.

"Does the name Max Matazarro ring a bell?"

"Should it?" she inquired. The name sounded familiar, but over the course of fourteen years, she'd dealt with so many cases. It was difficult to pinpoint a name to one specific case.

"Amanda and I visited Maureen right after Kathleen was at the station. She told us that Lizzie had recently begun dating a guy named Max Matazarro. The name sounded familiar to me, but I didn't know from where. Looked it up in our system, and low and behold, he was just released from the state penitentiary three months ago after being sentenced four years for manslaughter. Ring a bell?"

Her eyes widened and she whispered, "The pregnancy pack from about four years ago." She remembered the case too clearly. An image flashed in her head.

"_You have kids? You're pretty old." Fidelia had asked her._

"_I'm here to talk about you," Olivia had responded firmly._

"_I bet you're jealous. Old chicks are totally jealous of me. Is that it? Did you wait too long? Tick-tock…" The teenager mocked Olivia's biological clock._

That was four years ago. Olivia was forty, approaching forty-one, at the time. After her fortieth birthday, she herself had become more conscious and aware of her biological clock. Just after she turned forty, she'd applied for adoption and had been declined. She was single and worked long workdays and weeks. There was no telling when she'd have a day off, because she was constantly on call. How could they expect her to be a good mother? Then, just a few weeks after she was declined eligibility to adopt, she worked a case with Elliot where sperm had been stolen from a sperm bank. Elliot had brought up her biological clock, and it had pissed her off royally. That was the first case that had caused her to confess her long for a child to Elliot.

"_I'll support you no matter what you do," _he had told her, though she'd taken for granted his support at the time. She'd snapped at him and had told him to shut up.

She'd do anything to go back and react differently. Why'd she have to snap at him?

It was all over now, and there was no going back.

"Liv?" Fin tapped her shoulder. She'd spaced out. "Earth to Liv."

"Huh?"

"You there?"

"Yeah…I remember the case. Lizzie was dating this guy? You've picked him up, right?"

"That's the thing. We went to the address he gave his parole officer, a small apartment in the Bronx, and we found an empty apartment. We visited his parents, and they told us that they disowned him when he was locked up, gave him enough money to get an apartment and get on his feet and told them they never wanted to hear from him. Guess they don't want a murderer for a son. That is, assumin' they're not lying to us."

"Great, just great," Olivia murmured. "I'm assuming Lizzie didn't know about his sentence? It just doesn't make sense. This kid murdered his girlfriend because she had sex with another man and got pregnant by him. Far as I know, the kid was a virgin. That doesn't constitute murdering and raping Lizzie…"

"You know as well as I know that the state penitentiary changes people, Liv. He might have been raped there himself, and since Stabler was the arresting officer, he wanted take his vendetta out on him, so he stalked his family and found the closest prey, Lizzie. She was two years younger than him."

"Did you search his apartment? Is there any evidence to support this theory?"

"The apartment was bear, and no computer left behind."

"We've got to find this kid."

"We will, Liv. But guess who else is AWOL?"

"Huh?"

"You haven't spoken to your partner recently, have you?"

"Not since I last left the station, why?"

"No one has been able to get ahold of Nick since we received word of Elliot. He left right after the call came in. 1PP and IAB have been all over the station; they've interviewed Amanda, John, and me; and they're asking where he is. I've called him, but he's not answering his phone. I've been thinkin' about making a trip to his place. He's not helping you by disappearing, Liv."

"He probably wants to make me look bad," Olivia mumbled, placing her hands on her hips. They'd made a full round around the block and were coming close to her apartment building.

"Why would he want to do that?"

"Ever since I've started going out with Cassidy, Nick's had a personal vendetta against me, it seems. Face it, he hates Brian."

"That doesn't give him any right to take it out on you, though," Fin noted.

"I know. He's being childish, but he's young. What can I expect? Reminds me of Cassidy when he was a rookie. Sometimes I wonder how Nick is a second grade detective with his actions. Solve one narcotics case and now you're promoted to second grade? What happened to working for your rank?"

"I know you didn't like Nick when he first joined SVU, but you two were making a good couple there for a while…"

"Couple? Oh, please, Fin. Don't use that word to describe my partnership."

"I mean to say, you were…and still are…good partners."

"I have tolerated him, he'll never be…" she stopped herself, though Fin seemed to read her mind.

"I know, Liv. You really loved him, didn't you?" She didn't reply, knowing that 'him' was Elliot. "You know, you were like an old married couple when you two were partners." He smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

"I know," she murmured. "And I'll never have that connection with anyone else."

She stood at the steps that led to her apartment and tried to hold back the tears she felt. Fin wrapped his arm around her and whispered, "I know. Do you love Brian?"

"Yes," she whispered in Fin's ear, trying to make sure that Fin was the only one who heard what she was about to say. "But not in the same way. I'll never love anyone the way I loved him." Fin was the first person, other than Elliot himself before his death, that she'd confirmed her feelings for Elliot Stabler.

She entered her apartment, followed by Fin, to find Ed Tucker from Internal Affairs talking to Brian.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Let me know your thoughts! Is Liv's biological clock up? Or, was it a false negative? Or, is it just the stress delaying her period? Was it Max who killed Lizzie? Where is he now, and will the detectives track him down before he can do more damage? Where's Nick disappeared to, and why has he gone AWOL? What's Mike Tucker want with Olivia? Episodes I referenced, by the way, are "Babes" (Season 10x6) and "Inconceivable" (Season 9x14).

If you're on Twitter, make sure to follow me! - **paisleywrites **


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Olivia's eyes wandered in circles, meeting individually with Fin, Brian, and lastly, Ed Tucker. His presence was never pleasant, so she dreaded the words that were going to come out of his putrid mouth. Her heart pounded viciously inside her chest. It was almost as if her heart wanted out of her body.

"What are you doing here?" Olivia finally found the courage to mouth. Her nerves lingered, and her mouth was dry like a desert.

"Well, Olivia Benson, you had to expect me, given the circumstances." And, that she had. Olivia's eyes widened, as she dreaded the words that were soon to come out of Tucker's mouth. She'd never been fond of him, none of the squad had been. Whenever Ed Tucker arrived, they knew they were in deep shit. He'd also been the one to arrest her a couple years back. She hoped that he wasn't here to arrest her again. Seriously, he couldn't. He would have to have evidence that pointed her responsible for Elliot's death, and she knew for a fact that there was no evidence that would suggest so. _Any legit evidence, that is. _

"Come on, Tucker, cut to the chase. Please, just tell us you're here to tell Liv she's been cleared of any suspicious activity, 'cause we all know she had nothing to do with Elliot's death. They were best friends for twelve years," Fin broke in with hostility in his tone.

Ed turned abruptly to Fin, raising a brow. "Actually, Detective Tutoula, I'm a little perplexed and concerned as to why you're even here. Captain Harris is looking for you and Amaro, and I'm certain he won't be pleased to hear that you're communicating with the suspect." Tucker peered at Olivia.

Olivia's mouth dropped to the floor as felt faint. She met eyes with Brian, who stepped toward her and gripped her hand. "Calm down, Liv," he whispered in her ear. "He's got nothing. He's just trying to scare you."

"Suspect? You've got to be kidding me. And I thought Cragen was returning today, what's Harris doing back?" Fin showed signs of anguish and hostility toward Tucker. He clenched his fists, and Olivia knew this wasn't a good sign. Fin didn't have the outright physical violence issues that Elliot used to express when he was angry, but his words were just as vicious. Fin was one person Olivia never wanted to cross. In a sense, she feared Fin when he was angry more than she feared Elliot. Despite Elliot's habit of getting physical when he was angry, she'd never feared him. Though, she'd known he'd never harm her; not that she thought Fin would. Besides, she knew that Fin was on her side and would always have her back.

"In light of recent events, Captain Cragen's return has been postponed, and we feel it is in the best interest of the Special Victims Unit to have a captain who is little less connected to the SVU detective being investigated at this time. Detective Tutuola, I'm ordering you back to your station. I believe there's a new case on your desk."

"What do you mean a new case? We're in the process of investigating Elizabeth Stabler's death!"

"Internal Affairs will be handling both Stabler investigations from this point forward. Now, if you're not out of here in five seconds, I'll have you suspended, too, Detective."

Fin tightened the grip on his fists and turned to Olivia. "This is all gonna brush over, Liv. Stay strong." Olivia didn't know what to say. She nodded, hoping that Fin was right. She held tightly onto Brian's hand as Fin exited through the door. A tear rolled down her cheek.

She turned to Ed Tucker. "What do you have on me?" she hoarsely mouthed.

"Given how 1PP handled your questioning yesterday, nothing other than the fact that Elliot was shot with your gun and Elizabeth Stabler was found with your card. IAB is currently investigating the officers who spoke with you yesterday, given the fact no gunshot residue test was taken," Ed Tucker answered, observing her clothes. "Are you wearing the same clothes you were wearing yesterday?" He pointed to the blood stain on her shirt. Given the heinousness of the previous day, she'd completely forgotten about it. The man at 1PP had pointed it out, and she hadn't noticed it before then. How had no one else noticed? How had Brian or Fin not said anything? The stain had darkened, as it had been on her sleeve for over 12 hours now. The stain was about the size of a marble and had been acquired when she'd lain over Elliot's body. Truthfully, it wasn't too noticeable, so she wasn't surprised that Brian and Fin had not noticed it.

She felt Brian's hand gently touch her sleeve, as he appeared to be observing the stain for himself.

_Elizabeth was found with your card, _the words repeated in Olivia's head. They couldn't possibly be investigating her for Elizabeth's death, too, could they? Was that why Internal Affairs had taken over Elizabeth's investigation? They couldn't possibly think she was connected to Elizabeth's death, too. The only connection was the fact that Elizabeth had her card, and Olivia had yet to find an explanation for why.

"Yes, these are the same clothes. I told 1PP that I would do a gunshot residue test, but they never mentioned it. Don't blame me for their failure to follow procedure," Olivia replied hastily. "You know, any M.E. will be able to tell you that Elliot shot himself."

"We're currently waiting for the Medical Examiner's report. Now, Olivia, I'm going to need your clothes. As you know, it is procedure, and I want to make sure we make no mistakes in this investigation. Trust me, I don't _want _to put one of New York's best detectives in jail for murder, but I can't take any chances, especially if she did in fact commit the murder."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Olivia said. She knew giving Tucker her clothes would clear her name. She pushed herself away from Brian and went in the bedroom. She ripped her clothes off and dressed herself in a pair of sweats and a T-shirt from her dresser. She wrapped the clothes in a ball and carried them back to Tucker. "There you go," she mouthed.

"Now that I have what I need, we'll be in touch," Ed Tucker said. He walked toward the door and added, "Don't leave the city."

"Trust me, I didn't plan on it," Olivia sneered.

"Oh, and if you hear from Amaro, tell him he's on thin ice." Tucker raised a brow and left.

She looked at Brian when Ed had finally disappeared. Olivia was dumbfounded, wondering what Nick had done. Fin sounded worried about him earlier, with his indication that he'd gone AWOL, and his absence wasn't helping Olivia's case. Moreover, she found it strange that Ed hadn't even asked her if she'd heard from Nick.

Brian shook his head. "Liv, it's going to be okay. If what you're saying is true, then once he processes those clothes, you'll be cleared."

"_If _what I'm saying is true?" Olivia demanded. "IF, what the fuck, Brian? Are you implying that you don't believe that I'm telling the truth? You actually think that I could possibly have some involvement in Elliot Stabler's death?"

"No, no, no, that's not what I meant, Liv." Brian's face went white, realizing the mistake he'd just made. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean it like that…" He reached for Olivia's arm, but she pulled away.

"Don't 'baby' me," Olivia snarled.

"Olivia, I'm sorry. I mean it. I should have been more careful with how I worded that…"

"Forget it," she hissed, plopping on the couch. "Brian, maybe we've been seeing too much of each other lately…I think I need some space, after all that's happened. I just need some time to think and recuperate from all this. Maybe you should go to your mother's. I'm sure she misses you."

Brian frowned, sitting carefully next to Olivia and trying to put his arm around her, but she pushed him away. "Liv, I don't know if you should be alone now…"

"I'm a big girl," Olivia said. "I've been through plenty of traumatic events during my life, I think I can handle this on my own. Just leave, Brian."

"Liv…"

"Don't 'Liv' me, just go."

Brian pulled himself off the couch. Before he left, he turned to her and said, "Call me when you're ready, Liv. I'm always here for you." His eyes glossed with the tears he was holding in, and he vanished through the doorway.

As soon as he'd left, Olivia grabbed one of the couch pillows and wrapped her arms around it. She buried her face in the pillow and her tears began to bleed into the pillow. She tried to dry her eyes with the pillow, but the tears continued to flow.

She stared out the window, lost and hopeless. What had she done? She'd pushed the only person who'd ever shown her love and compassion away. And it was the second time she'd done it. He would be a fool to come back to her. Why should he? He said he'd always be there for her, but she didn't deserve that from him. She deserved to be alone.

The fumes of her body odor rose through her nostrils. She knew the odor was the result of not showing in two days. The stench grossed her out. How had Brian stood to get so close to her before he left? It was time for a long-overdue shower.

She found herself in the bathroom, where she saw Brian's cologne on her counter. Before undressing, she reached for the cologne and sprayed just a tiny bit of it in the room. The scent brushed against her nose, and her heart burned. What was she thinking? She wanted him back with her already, but after that outburst, she was too ashamed to call him just yet. She knew that he had good intentions, and already she understood that she'd overreacted. He must believe her, otherwise he wouldn't be standing by her side.

Olivia undressed herself and found herself under the faucet. She turned the knob and water began to spray on her. The lukewarm water hit her skin. She let the water flow on her face, and for the first time that day her mind was at peace. Her body tingled and she let her muscles relax. She never wanted this moment to pass. Secretly, she wished to remain in the warm shower forever.

Eventually, all good things had to come to an end, and then reality would sink in. She wrapped herself in a towel and dried her hair. Then, she sprayed Brian's cologne one more time. The scent was erotic, and reminded her of all the times she and Brian had shared together. More specifically, it reminded her of all the times they'd been together in bed. All those times that had not led to her getting pregnant, their motive of spending so much time together in bed. What had she been thinking? Everyone she'd told about the engagement had been baffled, and they had every right to be shocked. She wasn't the type to jump into a relationship, more so with a man she'd turned down in the past. Was she really that desperate? Or, did she really and truly love Brian? Wasn't that the reason two people got married, because they loved each other?

She thought that she had been in love with Brian, but what if she had been wrong? What if she was just lying to herself, so she could finally have a shot at the life she always dreamt about?

What was love, anyway?

Love was the willingness to do anything and everything for that special person. Love was the strong desire to be with someone when they were not present. Love was not only missing, but feeling like your life was incomplete when that person wasn't there. Love was…that feeling she'd felt for twelve consecutive years, only to burst when Elliot Stabler had left without a goodbye. Love had proved to be nothing but pain for Olivia Benson.

She had heard so many talk about how great love was, but Olivia had never believed them.

If love was painful, then what was the word to describe her feelings for Brian Cassidy?

The last two weeks had given her a sensation she'd never felt in her life. Brian made her feel safe, secure, and warm. A tingling sensation filled her body when he kissed her. The last two weeks had been nothing but bliss. If love was pain, then what did she feel for Brian?

Olivia suddenly realized that maybe she'd had it all wrong for all those years.

Once she was fully dressed, she realized she needed to make a visit.

* * *

**Author's Note – Who is Olivia going to visit? Sorry this took so long. If you're following me on Twitter, you've probably seen (along with some craziness) that I've been incredibly busy between school, work, and tutoring. If you're not following me on Twitter, you should! –paisleywrites**


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Olivia was half-way out her door when she realized that she did not know where she was going. She had never been to Kathleen Stabler's apartment, and for all she knew Kathleen would not be home. Besides, she did not want to arrive at Kathleen's residence unannounced, as she was certain the entire Stabler family would be in a state of grief. Olivia wasn't prepared to face the entire family. She reached for her cell phone in her jacket pocket and began scrolling through her address book. When she reached "Kathleen Stabler," she realized she'd just wasted a few milliseconds of her life, because she could have just gone to her "Recent Contacts" and saved that time. It was too late.

She hesitated a moment before pressing the green "Call" button. When she did, she listened to the dial tone, and moments later the ringing sound vibrated against her ear drum. Olivia flashbacked to the terrorized expression on Kathleen's face as Olivia was being led to the vehicle the night before, after Elliot shot himself. _"You were supposed to make sure he'd be okay!" _Kathleen had wailed with tears in her eyes.

Olivia's heart and soul ached in sympathy for the pain and confusion Kathleen was experiencing. It had only been the previous hour that Kathleen had identified the Jane Doe in the morgue as her baby sister. They'd all known telling Elliot that his youngest daughter had been brutally raped and murdered would be an awful experience. Kathleen had trusted Olivia to break the news, and to protect her father from harming himself or anyone else. But Olivia had been helpless. Olivia felt like she had betrayed Kathleen's trust. She'd failed Kathleen and Elliot's entire family.

Had the medical examiner finished his or her report? Most likely not, because otherwise Olivia would have heard that her name was cleared. When the autopsy was complete, Olivia's name would not only be cleared, but the Stablers would be informed of the dreadful truth. Elliot Stabler was dying from acute lymphoma leukemia, and he had not told anyone in his family. How would the Stablers handle that news on top of everything else? Why it may give them an explanation for why he did what he did, it would not make the news any easier. After all, Kathleen had been Elliot's only child in contact with him during the months that led up to his death.

Olivia was brought out her thoughts by Kathleen's voice. "Hello? Olivia?"

"Kathleen," Olivia formed, before she heard a noise in the background on Kathleen's side of the line.

"That's Olivia Benson, Kathleen?" she heard in the background.

"Yeah, Mom."

"Give me the phone!" she heard Kathy Stabler's voice snap as she apparently took the phone from her daughter's hand. "Hello, Olivia?"

"Hi, Kathy," Olivia responded, having a feeling that this wasn't going to be good.

"Who the hell do you think you are calling my daughter? Haven't you done enough damage to this family as a whole already? Leave us the hell alone, Olivia. Elliot would still be alive if it weren't for you."

"Excuse me?" Olivia demanded. _Who the hell did Kathy think she was? SHE left HIM. _Olivia could understand that Kathy was struck with guilt for not being there for Elliot. However, she needed to get her facts straight before pointing fingers. "You can't be serious. Just hear me out, Kathy…"

"I really don't care what you have to say, Olivia. I think we both know that you were jealous of Elliot and me for years. When you found out we were finally separated, you thought that it was the perfect time to tell him how you felt, and when Elliot said he didn't feel that way about you, you lost it. Kathleen told me that you talked to Elliot a couple weeks before Elizabeth died. I understand why you took Elliot out, but Elizabeth never did anything to you. She was innocent…"

_Was she serious?_

"Kathy, it's not like that…"

"You thought you'd gotten away with it, but you messed up! You let your card fall out of your pocket. Now, I hope you rot in jail. Leave us alone."

The line went dead.

Olivia felt like part her had died inside. Was that seriously what IAB thought had happened? That she'd killed Elizabeth as revenge against Elliot, then used it as an excuse for Elliot to commit suicide? She was mad, absolutely mad!

She found herself disorientated and confused, stumbling back into her apartment. Her life was falling apart. She fell onto the couch and stared at the ceiling in disbelief. _Calm down, Olivia, _she told herself, knowing that once the autopsy reports and crime scene had been completely analyzed, her name would be cleared. None of that changed the fact that Elliot was dead, but Kathy would feel like a fool for the accusations she'd just thrown at Olivia.

She held her phone again, knowing there was one person she needed to call. He was the one person who had comforted her through all this turmoil. She was about to call his number when a name she'd least expected to see flashed on her screen.

_Kathleen Stabler_

Olivia took a deep breath before answering the call. "Kathleen? Look…"

Before she could finish her sentence, she was interrupted, "Olivia! I'm so sorry for what my mom said. She's a wreck, and she'll blame anyone but herself for Dad's and Elizabeth's deaths. Please, don't think I think any of that, I don't…I can't believe that you would hurt either Dad or Lizzie…"

"Thank you, Kathleen. You don't know what those words mean to me…"

"You didn't, did you? Please tell me the truth, Olivia. Can we meet somewhere to talk? After Mom took my phone and blew up at you, I snatched my phone back and ran out the door. I can't be around my mom anymore, not when she's like this."

"I didn't, Kathleen. I promise. Actually, I was calling you earlier in hopes that we could meet somewhere. Where are you now?"

"I ran down a few blocks.. I'm about to board a bus. Want to meet at Central Park on the east side of the pond at Central Park?

The location seemed random, but Olivia couldn't think of a better place herself.

"That sounds good. I'll see you there."

"Okay, then. See you there. Bye, Olivia."

She ended the call and dashed out of her apartment. Central Park was too far away to walk. She exited her apartment to find her car still parked on the street. Her car had sat in a parking garage for years until recently. For a while, no one had even known she owned a car; they didn't need to know…until she was framed for that murder a few years ago. Olivia had relied on the transportation of NYPD vehicles for twenty years now. When Munch had placed her on leave initially, she'd needed a car to drive. She was so accustomed to having the car owned by NYPD to transport her around. She wasn't fond of cabs, or the hefty price to pay for taking one.

Olivia took the driver's seat and began driving toward Central Park. She figured she'd get there before Kathleen, though that depended on what part of the city Kathleen was coming from. Olivia didn't even know that. She parked near Central Park was soon on the east side of the pond. She looked around for Kathleen but didn't see her. And she waited.

She found herself staring into the pond, her mind wandering. How many victims had they found in Central Park? The answer was too many. Central Park was not a safe place to be at night. Olivia remembered her mom telling her that at a young age. "Never go to Central Park alone, Olivia." As a child, Olivia had been afraid of Central Park. As she grew older and entered the police force and began to uncover victims in the park, she feared it more. But now she was on her own. It was broad daylight and she wasn't afraid.

"Olivia?" a voice alarmed her, and she looked up to see Kathleen walking toward her.

"Kathleen," Olivia looked up, and smiled weakly at the young woman. She was wearing a heavy coat and had her hands in her pockets. It was chilly out, but Olivia's heart was racing and despite the cool weather, she felt warm. _Hot flashes? _She wondered. Maybe menopause was really catching up to her. She sulked at the thought.

"You have no idea how glad I am that you called. And I want to apologize again for my mom…"

"Kathleen, don't. I understand why she's upset."

"She's just…driving us all mad. Maureen is on bed rest because of all this. She's only twenty-two weeks along—barely half-way through her pregnancy! Mom's staying with her, which is probably the worst thing for my sister. Richard is on his way back from California. He's devastated about Lizzie, but he's expressed no remorse for what happened to Dad…he said…" Kathleen swallowed. "He said…that Dad deserved to die…" Tears began to gush from the young woman's eyes.

"That's awful, Kathleen," Olivia whispered, wanting to comfort her so badly. She couldn't imagine what it was like to hear your brother say that your father deserved to die. Elliot and Richard may have been on the outs with his father at the time, but nothing could condone those words.

"My family is falling apart, Olivia. The police keep questioning us and it's driving us further apart. They won't tell us anything about Elizabeth's killer or what happened between you and Dad last night. The media's been swarming us, but Mom has given us strict orders not to talk to them, and I can't say I want to. And then there's poor little Eli…oblivious to the fact he's never going to see his dad or sister again!" Kathleen cried, tears flooding her round cheeks. She paused for a moment, then continued, "Olivia, tell me the truth. What happened when you visited my dad?"

"Kathleen, I don't know how to tell you this…" Olivia started, searching for words. How was she supposed to tell Kathleen that her father had killed himself with her gun? "Your dad was really upset when I told him about Elizabeth."

"I knew he would be, that's why I wanted you to tell him. I knew I couldn't bear to do it. I thought he'd take it better from you. You were partners. He cared about you. You know, he always used to talk about you, even after he left the squad."

"He did?"

"It drove Mom nuts. She'd tell him to leave and go crawling back to you, but he never did. Mom got so sick of him sulking around all the time that she made the move to leave…after Mom left, he only got worse. Elizabeth and Maureen told him that he needed to see a therapist, but you knew my dad, he was always stubborn. He refused, and that pissed them off. He wouldn't leave the house, and then he put the house up for sale a few weeks ago and moved into that apartment. Lizzie and Maureen said that if he wasn't going to help himself, then they didn't want to be part of his life."

"Wow, Kathleen, I just don't know what to say…this is a true tragedy." A lump coiled in her throat, and she tried to swallow. Tears rolled down her own cheeks. She couldn't hold them in. She'd cried more within the last two days than she had during her lifetime. She'd cried too many tears for Elliot. She'd cried more tears for Elliot Stabler than she had for her own mother when she'd passed away. In a sense, Elliot Stabler had been a mother, a father, a brother, and a husband to her—all in one. Elliot Stabler had been her family for twelve years. Her family had dissolved when he left, and she, like Kathleen, needed closure. That was the reason she had called Kathleen.

"What happened, Olivia? What really happened between you and Dad?"

"I was stupid to have brought my gun," Olivia began. She shouldn't have brought it. She should have left it at the station. How was she supposed to know that Elliot Stabler would grab it from her? Olivia's waist felt empty without her gun there. She rarely went anywhere without it. Her gun had been left at the crime scene, and she was without it now.

"So it's true, he did die with a bullet from your gun? How?" The expression on Kathleen's face was terrorizing.

"This is so hard to tell you, and I don't want you to have this image in your head…"

"I'm a law student, Olivia. I think I can handle it. I'm not a kid anymore. Please, don't talk to me like I am one. Dad always did that, too."

"I know you're all grown up now, Kathleen. It's hard to believe that when your father and I started working together you were just nine years old. Look at you now…you've changed so much over the last fourteen years." Kathleen was staring at her with teary eyes. Olivia took a breath, "Kathleen, he took the gun from me. I tried to stop him…I swear. I tried everything in my power to stop him." Olivia's emotions fell apart, and she wrapped her arms around Kathleen, whose head fell into Olivia's chest. "I'm so sorry. I just hope you can believe me."

"I do," Kathleen sobbed. "I do believe you, Olivia."

Olivia released Kathleen and said again, "I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and stop him."

"It's not your fault," Kathleen said. "You really did love him, didn't you?"

Olivia nodded softly. "I did."

Kathleen's lips formed a weak smile. "My dad was lucky to have a partner who cared so deeply for him. He cared for you, too, Olivia. I could tell by the way that you two looked at each other that you loved each other. That's how I knew that you could never hurt him."

"You know that your dad and I never…"

"I know, Olivia. You don't have to say it. Despite the countless accusations by my mom, I know my dad would never cheat on my mom, and I know that you'd never allow it. You're a good person, and that's why I've always looked up to you. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my mom, don't think I'm totally bashing on her. She just doesn't always think straight."

Olivia was speechless, as she gazed tearfully into Kathleen's eyes.

"I just feel so bad for Maureen," Kathleen shook her head. Olivia raised a brow, and Kathleen continued, "She hasn't told Mom this, I think I'm the only one who knows, but she blames herself for Elizabeth's murder. I guess Lizzie came to her about a week ago, scared. She wouldn't give Maureen the details, but Maureen gave her an old card of yours that she had lying around, apparently, and told her to call you…I guess she never did."

"Maureen gave Elizabeth my card?" Olivia's eyes widened. "Did she tell the police this?"

"I wasn't there when they questioned her, but I don't think so. I think I'm the only one who knows. I don't really see how it's that important, just Elizabeth was scared of someone. Who knows, maybe that's the person who killed her? Still, Lizzie never told Maureen who she was scared of. Just that she was scared."

"You'd be surprised. Any little detail could catch your sister's killer," Olivia told Kathleen, reluctant to tell Kathleen that police already had a suspect, other than her, that was. She remembered her conversation with Fin earlier. Could it be the boyfriend? If Elizabeth was afraid of someone, it could very possibly be the guy she was dating at the time.

"Tell me, Kathleen, did you ever meet Elizabeth's boyfriend?"

"Oh, you mean that Max kid? No, I never met him. Maureen said he was a real doozy."

"Doozy?" Olivia raised an eyebrow, inquiring. "Any idea what she meant by that?"

It was her natural instinct to question Kathleen. Even though she was suspended, and she knew she could get in deep trouble for investigating Elizabeth's murder, she didn't care. If IAB wasn't going to thoroughly investigate the murder, then someone had to stand up. IAB was wasting their time investigating Olivia when a real killer was on the loose. Who else was in danger?

"No, I don't, but I probably should be getting back to Maureen's before my mom causes her anymore stress with me missing. It was really nice talking to you, Olivia. I hope you find Lizzie's killer and bring him to justice. And hopefully your name will be cleared soon."

"Thank you, Kathleen. You know my number if you need me, okay?" Olivia weakly smiled.

Meeting Kathleen had answered one question: How Elizabeth had ended up with her card.

Olivia didn't dare go to the squad room to relay the information to the detectives. She didn't want to risk running into Captain Harris. She thought about calling Fin, but she realized there was no point. Besides, SVU wasn't even investigating Elizabeth's murder anymore. IAB was, and their prime suspect was none other than Olivia. Could they be spending their time any more foolishly?

She was exhausted. Was it from crying? Crying always had a tendency to drain her energy. She longed to call Brian and apologize to him, but right now all she wanted to do was sleep.

She returned to her apartment and found herself in bed, even though it was only four o'clock. She slumbered away to dreamland and woke two hours later with the urge to pee.

Olivia stumbled into the bathroom, where she saw the second pregnancy test. The fear of menopause had been nagging at her all day. If she didn't get her period by the end of the week, she'd planned to take the second pregnancy test. If it was negative again, then she'd planned to visit the doctor.

Suddenly Olivia felt impatient. She found herself opening the second box and sitting on the toilet. She firmly held the stick under her and relieved herself.

Two to three minutes felt like an eternity, but finally the result was clear. Olivia's heart dropped into her stomach.

_Pregnant_

_**Author's Note: *takes a deep breath* Well, how's that for a chapter? Wait until you read next chapter! :)**  
_


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

_Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant? _Olivia's thoughts were racing with excitement and disbelief. Her heart pounded viciously against her chest as she stood lightheaded. She squinted at the small word, double and triple-checking that she was reading the test correct. The word was indeed _Pregnant_.

_This can't be possible, _she thought, recalling her earlier test, but she knew for a fact that false negatives were way more common than false positives. That meant her test earlier was most likely a false negative. Olivia was still in disbelief.

_What to do? _She'd already told Brian that she wasn't pregnant. She didn't have to tell him. She didn't have to tell anyone. She'd also told Fin that the test was negative, so he wouldn't question her. No one would. She could keep this her secret for however long she wanted, and decided that was exactly what she would do. At her age, she knew that her pregnancy would be high risk.

Olivia went into her living room and fell on the couch. She stared at the ceiling in disbelief. Was it true? Was she really going to be a mom, finally? Ever since she was a little girl, she had dreamt about becoming a mom, but after finding out what had happened to her mom, and what her genes were composed of, she'd doubted her own blood line. There was a point in her life that she had decided that the world would be a better place if she did not bear offspring. No child deserved to share her genes.

But as more time passed, and as she watched children evolve around her, including Elliot's kids, the more she desired to have a child of her own. The moment that had altered her perception of becoming a mother herself entirely was the day Elliot's youngest son, Eli, was born. Something changed inside Olivia that day. Something about witnessing the miracle of childbirth, saving Kathy's life, and seeing such an innocent life enter the world, was heart wrenching, and suddenly gave Olivia the urge to have a child herself. Just a few days after Eli's birth, Olivia filed the papers to the adoption agency, only to be denied eligibility. Her heart was crushed, and she realized she may very well never become a mother herself. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't meant to be.

She gently placed her hand on her stomach and whispered, "Maybe not." She closed her eyes and whispered, "I'm going to be a mom."

She sat up straight. The idea was sinking in. The moment she'd dreamt about for years, the moment she thought might never come true, was all becoming a reality.

_Don't get your hopes up yet, _she told herself, thinking of all the possibilities that could go wrong. What if the test was in fact a false positive? Sure, they were rarer than false negatives, but anything was a possibility. Everything in her life seemed to be going wrong lately. If there was a God, perhaps he was trying to get back at her. Perhaps he was trying to get her hopes up for nothing.

She bit her lip, promising herself that she would not tell anyone until a doctor confirmed the pregnancy. She glanced at the clock: Six-thirty. The news would be on. She was sure there would be coverage on the Stablers on the news. Kathleen had said the media was swarming the family, but they weren't talking. That didn't mean the media hadn't dug up something for a story. Olivia was surprised that media wasn't swarming her apartment. _Surely the medical examiner's report must be in! _Olivia thought, knowing that her name had to be on the verge of being cleared.

Olivia grabbed her remote control. It had been so long since she had watched television that dust had formed on her TV screen. She took a seat, turning the television on and her mouth dropped when she saw the image on the screen. She stared in utter disbelief as she listened to the commentator.

"Police are looking for this man tonight. He is believed to be armed and dangerous." Olivia's thoughts raced. What had Nick done? Fin had mentioned that no one could get ahold of him, but Olivia didn't think too much about it. He was Nick, after all.

Her question was answered when five-year-old Zara's face flashed on the screen. "Nick Amaro has been a detective at the Manhattan Special Victims for thirteen months. He is wanted for allegedly abducting his daughter, Zara Amaro, after murdering Maria Amaro, whom he was separated from. Amaro is believed to have traveled from New York City to Washington D.C., where his wife and daughter were residing, where he killed Maria with a single bullet to the heart…"

Olivia's head was spinning, and her cell phone was buzzing. Fin was calling.

"Benson," she answered, by habit.

"Liv!" Fin's voice was panicked. "Have you heard the news?"

"I'm watching it now. My God, what has Nick done?"

"I can't believe it, either. Liv, this isn't good."

"You're telling me! IAB is probably going to think that I somehow conspired with Nick to kill his wife. This is absolutely absurd."

"IAB hasn't contacted you yet?"

"No."

"The M.E.'s report was released an hour ago, and your name has been cleared. IAB knows that you had nothing to do with Elliot or Elizabeth's deaths, Liv. SVU had been just reassigned to Elizabeth's case, and Cragen was about to be reinstated when we received word of this with Nick now…shit, SVU is falling apart..."

"Fin, where are you now?"

"I'm on my way to Ken's. I just left the station about ten minutes ago, and Rollins just called to tell me to turn on the radio. It's just her and Munch at the station, and I guess IAB has them on lockdown and surveillance in case Nick calls. It wouldn't surprise me if they have a tap on our lines, too. John's afraid they're going to transfer us all out of the unit and transfer in a whole new squad…"

"They can't do that!" Olivia insisted. She'd been with SVU for fourteen years, and she wasn't willing to transfer now. "Besides, my name has been cleared. If that's true, then why the hell haven't I been returned to my job?"

"Probably 'cause they're too distracted with Nick now. You know they're gonna come talk to you. You're gonna be their main person of interest 'cause…"

"…I'm his partner. I get it, Fin."

He had not even asked her if she'd talked to him.

"Look, I better go. I'm guessin' they're going to be checking our phone records, and it already looks suspicious that I called you. I just wanted to see if you'd seen the latest…"

"I just can't believe this, Fin…"

"Me either. Stay safe, Liv."

"I will. Same goes to you."

She hung up and before another thought could run through her head, her phone began ringing again. Brian's picture appeared on her screen. She was surprised he'd gone so long without contacting her.

"Brian," she whispered, not answering with her normal greeting.

"Liv…oh, my God, did-you-see-the-news?" His words slurred together. Olivia didn't have to ask to know that he'd been drinking.

"I did," she answered.

"I-knew-that-he-was-trouble! I knew it! The-fucking-bastard-pointed a gun to my head, Liv! It-was-only-a-matter-of-time before he pulled the trigger on someone. That boy has-real-anger problems."

Olivia didn't know what to say. Yes, Nick had been acting differently lately. He'd been more hostile since his wife left him, but Olivia never would have projected him to be a murderer. Pointing his gun at Cassidy had been out-of-line, but he hadn't actually pulled the trigger. Olivia didn't know how she would have reacted if Nick had in fact pulled the trigger. She patted her stomach and thought of how everything would be different.

"Brian, where are you?" Olivia immediately asked.

"Pete's Tavern, just saw Dick's face on-the-TV…"

"Brian, don't move…I'll be there in a bit," Olivia said, concernedly. She grabbed her coat and dashed out of her apartment to her car. She wanted to make sure she kept him on the line.

She knew that Brian had most likely walked to Pete's Tavern. It was only a few blocks away from her house, and Brian hadn't had a car. She knew he wouldn't be driving, but she still worried about him being as drunk as he sounded. Who knew what stupid decisions one could make while under the influence of alcohol. Her mother had been drunk when she fell down a flight of stairs to her death. She didn't want to risk something happening to Brian.

"Will-you? I thought you didn't want-to-see me."

"I-I just needed some time to clear my head…I-I miss you," she whispered softly, speaking the truth. She had begun to realize that she missed his company. She missed his arm around her shoulder on the couch; she missed his massages and his kisses. They'd been inseparable for two weeks, and the past several hours she'd been alone had been quite lonely.

"I-miss-you, too," Brian said. "I was afraid-you-would ignore my phone call because you didn't want to see me anymore. Liv, I'm so sorry for what I said earlier."

It took her a moment to realize what Brian was talking about. She couldn't remember what had caused her to kick him out of her apartment earlier, but then it dawned on her. She instantly felt embarrassed; the reason had been silly.

"Don't worry about it. It was stupid."

"No, you-were-right, I shouldn't have doubted you…I know you would never hurt a fly. You're too amazing…God, I don't deserve you."

"What are you talking about, Brian?"

"You're so fucking nice to everyone, and you're so beautiful. What-would-a-woman-like-you-want-with-a-man-like-me?" Was he crying?

"Brian, stop the crazy-talk. I love you."

"You're-just-saying-that."

"No, I'm not," she said, parking the car in front of Pete's Tavern. She swung her car door open and ran into Pete's Tavern, where she found Brian sitting at the bar stool with a beer. His right hand was on his forehead and his phone was in his other hand. She hung up and gently reached for his shoulder. "I'm not just saying it," she whispered into his ear. She leaned over and kissed his cheek, instantly noticing the stench of booze. The stench was all-too familiar to Olivia.

"You really came," he said.

"You doubted I would?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Admittedly, yes," Brian said. "I didn't think you really loved me."

Olivia looked at his drink and gazed heartily into his eyes. She brushed her hand on his back and said, "Well, you were quite mistaken. I must say, I do love you, Brian Cassidy. Now, tell me, how many drinks have you had today?"

"Couldn't tell ya, I'll know-when-the-bill-comes I s'pose."

Olivia turned to the bartender. "He'll take the bill now."

"Of course," the bartender nodded, walking over to the cash register to prepare Brian's bill.

Olivia gazed into Brian's eyes again. "I feel horrible. I drove you to drink. Is this where you've been all day?"

"No…I took a cab over Narcotics. Quit my job finally. Then came back here…"

"Oh, Brian, are you sure that's what you wanted to do?"

"I'm done being a cop, Liv. That part of my life is over…I gotta move on." He reached for his drink, but Olivia grabbed it for him. The fumes from the alcohol rose up her nose, and her stomach twitched. She'd never been a fond drinker of beer. She wasn't much of a drinker, period. If she did drink an alcoholic beverage, it was generally a glass of wine. "You gonna finish-that-for-me?"

"I think I'll pass," she winked at him. She knew she could not drink the beer even if she wanted to, but she also remembered the promise she'd made to herself. No one was going to know her little secret until she was absolutely positive, not even Brian. In a way, she felt guilty for not telling him, but she didn't want to get his hopes up for nothing. She remembered how disappointed he'd looked when she had told him that she was not pregnant.

When the bill came, Olivia had to fight Brian to see it. She saw why he hadn't wanted her to see it when she finally captured the paper from his hand. He'd had eight drinks over the last three hours, meaning his blood alcohol level was most likely over 10 percent. She frowned at that, and after Brian paid with his credit card, she helped a stumbling Brian to her car. Somehow, she had a feeling that he would be feeling that in the morning.

As they arrived back at her apartment complex, she placed his arm over her shoulder. Something told her that he was enjoying this a little too much. Her shoulder ached from his weight weighing down on her. "Nothin-sexier-than-being carried by Olivia Benson!" Brian chirped.

"Ha ha," she mocked, smiling weakly. Her smile immediately drooped when they arrived at her apartment door. It looked like her day was going to open and close with Ed Tucker.

**A/N – I will not be apologizing for killing Maria. I would also like to thank everyone who's been reviewing. I've noticed there have been a lot of guest reviews, which is cool. Though, I would love it if you guys would log in also. :)**


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

"Lieutenant Tucker," Olivia greeted Ed with a hasty tone as she began to unlock her door, still somehow managing to support her drunken fiancé. She opened the door and waddled into the apartment with Brian, Ed followed.

"Don't look so happy to see me, eh?" Ed said with a sneer in his voice.

"Actually, I've been expecting you," Olivia responded softly, Brian still on her shoulder.

"You don't look so hot, Cassidy. A little…drunk?" Ed said, looking at Brian. "You know, a little birdie informed me that you resigned today…"

"Shut the-hell-up," Brian hissed and curled his fists, using Olivia for support still he straightened himself and glared at Ed. "No one wants to hear your-snide-ass comments, as if you haven't caused enough-trouble already."

"I don't think I'm the one causing trouble here, _Mister _Cassidy. I think it's your little girly friend's unit."

Brian clenched his fist and started to lean toward Ed, but Olivia pulled him back.

"Brian, no," she whispered sternly. She looked back at Ed. "If you'll give us a minute, I'll be right back…" She led Brian into the bedroom, where she hoped to put him to bed.

"Who-does-he-think-he-is?" Brian slurred when they were in the bedroom.

"I know, I hate him as much as you," Olivia whispered, closing the door. "But he's here to talk about Nick, and once I tell him that I know nothing, which is the truth, he'll leave…hopefully. Until then, I think it is best you stay in here and rest. Brian, face it, you're drunk, and I can't risk you saying something that could jeopardize my credibility."

"I'm not drunk!" Brian said, standing up on his own, wobbling as he balanced himself.

"Really, huh?" Olivia laughed, raising her eyebrows and observing Brian as he wobbled over to the bed and sat down. His head hit the pillow moments later. "Then why do you smell of booze, you're slurring your words, and you can barely stand on your own?" He groaned and didn't respond to her question. Instead, Brian turned on his stomach and buried his face into the pillow on Olivia's bed. Olivia her head and quietly left the bedroom to return to the living room, only to find Ed snooping in her kitchen. She coughed, making Ed aware of her presence.

"Oh, hello, Olivia," Ed did not appear the slightest bit alarmed.

"You know, you can snoop all you want, you're not going to find anything. I have nothing to hide," Olivia insisted.

"Well, that's good to hear. Now, I imagine you know why I'm here, considering you received a phone call from Detective Tutuola about an hour ago."

"Reading my logs, huh?" Olivia raised a brow.

"You said you had nothing to hide, and given the circumstances, we can't take any chances. Time is crucial. A five-year-old is in the hands of a murderer. Now, before I ask you about that, there was something else interesting on your log…a call to and from Kathleen Stabler?"

"You know I had nothing to do with Elliot's death," Olivia replied.

"You're right, I do. As I'm sure Fin told you, the medical examiner ruled Elliot's death as a suicide, and conveniently just two hours after you spoke with Ms. Stabler, she and her older sister came forward and told us that Maureen gave Elizabeth your card."

"Yes, Kathleen told me that. I called Kathleen to explain what happened. There's no crime in that. Please, stop wasting your time on me! Elizabeth's killer is still at large."

"We have a suspect, and we've got a search party canvassing the area for him. Unfortunately, it looks like he may have skipped town."

"Max?" Olivia asked.

"Did Detective Tutuola tell you that, too?"

"You're still talking to me like I'm a criminal. Just be straight with me, Tucker. My name has been cleared. I don't see what the problem is."

"Well, if I'm not mistaken, you were taken off the case before you even went to Elliot's for being too involved in the case. So, therefore I'm not obligated to say anything to you. Now, let's get on to the reason why I'm really here."

"Nick," Olivia murmured, and Ed nodded. "Look, Nick wouldn't hurt his daughter…"

"And you predicted he would murder his wife, right?"

"Of course I didn't!" she gasped, shocked at the allegation.

"Then, you don't know if he would hurt his daughter or not, do you? Either way, I don't care. Nick has committed an unforgivable crime, and he's now at large. You, being his partner, are a person of interest. Be honest with me. Has he contacted you in any way since yesterday afternoon?"

"No," Olivia responded flatly and honestly.

Tucker cross his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Detective Benson, now tell me, would you say that you and Nick get along well as partners? I mean, after having the same partner almost consecutively for twelve years, it must have been difficult to adjust to new blood."

Olivia inhaled a sharp breath. She wasn't sure how to answer that question. At first, she had been leery to trust Nick, but then as the past year had continued, she'd grown to like him. They seemed to jive well. Then, after the whole mess with Brian, she'd lost respect for him; but Olivia didn't want to tell Tucker that. Olivia was torn. Nick had made some poor choices over the last few weeks, but surely there was an explanation for his actions. Olivia never had been one to give people second chances, but after she had worked side-by-side with Nick for over a year; she didn't know how to react to recent events. Plus, she'd never been fond of Ed Tucker, and she wasn't willing to give Ed any dirt on Nick that he could use against the rest of SVU.

"We had our disagreements at time, but overall we got along. Of course it was a struggle for me to get used to having a new partner. Elliot…" she paused for a moment as she spoke his name, sadness succumbed her, she held back her tears and continued, "Elliot and I had a rhythm and we'd worked together for so long, but Nick's really laid back and allowed for me to transition smoothly to being partnered with him."

"I see," Ed raised his left eye brow. "Now, my sources indicated that lately you and Nick hadn't been getting along lately. Have you ever not trusted your partner, Detective?"

"Who told you that we weren't getting along?" Olivia asked, wondering who would have said that. She knew that the entire squad had been interviewed over the course of the last two days, but Olivia had never told anyone that she didn't trust Nick. In fact, Fin was the only person she'd discussed her concerns about Nick with. Olivia just couldn't imagine Fin saying something about that to Ed. He disliked Tucker just as much as she did.

"That's irrelevant. Answer the question, Detective."

Olivia's eyes widened as she remembered one other person whom she'd spoken to Nick about: Amanda. Their conversation had taken place around two weeks ago, when Amanda had come to visit her that morning. That was when Olivia had suspected Nick of being the one who was calling and hanging up on her. She'd given the number to Amanda to check into it, but she'd discovered who was really calling her before Amanda could get back to her. Could it have been Amanda? Amanda was new to SVU and didn't have the history with Tucker or the rest of Internal Affairs. She could have easily let something slip. Olivia's heart sunk.

"Like I said, we had our disagreements at times, but I never distrusted him," Olivia said quietly. At first, she wasn't sure if she was telling the truth. Obviously, she had accused him of trying to snoop into her private life. She hadn't trusted him then. Did she trust him now? Well, he'd just murdered his wife in cold blood. If he could kill her, who else could he kill? Was Zara truly in danger? _No, _Olivia thought, _he can't. _There was always a sparkle in Nick's eye when he talked about his little girl. Olivia knew in her heart that he couldn't harm her, but that did not mean he wouldn't hurt someone else. He hated Brian, and he had held a gun to his head once already. Who was to say he wouldn't turn up and do it again? Only this time, he might really pull the trigger.

"You wouldn't lie to me, would you?"

"No, Lieutenant. I've never had a reason not to trust my partner," she lied through her teeth. "I'm shocked about this as much as the rest of the unit is, I'm sure."

"If you say so…" Tucker didn't seem to believe her. Elliot had always told her that she was a horrible liar. "Well, if you hear anything from Nick, I'm ordering you to contact me immediately. And I'll expect you back at the station Monday morning with the rest of the unit."

"Gotcha," Olivia said, bitterly adding, "You'll be my first call if Nick contacts me."

Ed was soon gone, leaving Olivia alone in the living room. Her eyes were heavy with the weight of the past day on her. She needed to sleep. She wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and just sleep forever. That's what she needed. It was Friday now, which gave her two days before she had to go back to work. For the first time in a long time, she actually dreaded returning to the job she loved so much.

Olivia quietly tiptoed into her bedroom, careful not to wake Brian. She changed into a pair of pajamas and crawled under the covers. The booze aroma filled her nostrils as she faced Brian. She was quick to turn her back to him and inhaled through her mouth. The smell was one she knew too well. Her childhood apartment reeked of the stench, and she'd grown to hate it. It brought back too many horrible memories.

She quickly drifted off into a dreamless slumber.

When she became conscious again, the sun was peering through her blinds. Beside her, Brian was snoring loudly. Had long had he been snoring? She had been so exhausted that she'd managed to sleep through it. She looked at the clock: nine-thirty. She'd left for at least twelve hours straight. Olivia could not remember the last time she had done that. And Brian had been asleep longer? _At least he's sleeping it off, _she thought.

She removed her covers and gently slid out of bed, careful not to wake Brian. She went into the bathroom to fulfill her morning routine, only to encounter the smell of vomit: another stench she was too familiar with. Memories of cleaning up her mother's vomit flashed through her head. Her eyes were baffled when she saw the puddle of vomit beside the toilet. Brian had been awake during the time she'd slept, apparently, and he'd missed the toilet. Her stomach churned. She'd always had a strong stomach because she'd cleaned it up so many times, but suddenly nausea overcame her. _It's too early for morning sickness, _she thought, aware that morning sickness normally didn't set in until at least six weeks. Although she'd never been pregnant herself, she felt as if she knew too much about pregnancy.

Before she could grab a towel to clean the vomit up, she was purging her own insides in the toilet. She didn't know how there was anything in there to come out, since she'd barely eaten anything the day before, and she hadn't eaten that morning. That meant she was purging stomach acid. She flushed the toilet then plugged her nose as she cleaned up Brian's vomit. _Should've made him clean it up himself, _she thought as she tossed the towel in the dirty laundry. She'd become so accustomed to cleaning up her mother's vomit that it was second nature. She was too nice.

She took a quick shower. The warm water splashing against her body was rejuvenating.

Brian was still snoring when she was finished. _It's the perfect time, _she thought, knowing what she had to do while Brian was asleep and she could sneak out of the apartment without any questions.

Now was the time to make a trip to her doctor, assuming she could fit Olivia in on such short notice. She hadn't been to the doctor in years. Olivia couldn't wait any longer.


	25. Chapter 25

_A Recap_

_(In case you're just tuning in…)_

_After Olivia kisses Brian in the hospital, she and Brian talk. Brian confesses that he's never fallen out of love with Olivia and asks her to stay with him at the hospital. Olivia hesitates, and Brian insists that Olivia hasn't changed because she's still married to her job. Olivia decides to prove him wrong and stay. Later on, she's interrupted by Nick, who claims to have come and apologize to Brian, and is shocked to see Olivia beside Brian's hospital bed. He gives Olivia crap, and Brian says that Nick's lucky that he's confined to a hospital bed, because otherwise he would be a dead man. Nick leaves, not without telling Olivia that she needs to do her job, and Olivia and Brian discuss Nick's immaturity. _

_Four days pass, and Brian calls Olivia to tell her that he's out of the hospital. She's agreed to be his ride home from the hospital. She isn't able to leave the precinct without being confronted by John, who's been filling in as captain now that Harris has better places to be, and Nick. John is suspicious, and Nick tells him that she's going to see Brian. John wants to know why Olivia didn't tell him that she was seeing Brian and insists he always thought they'd be cute together. Olivia escapes any further confrontation._

_She meets Brian at the hospital and takes him to her apartment. That's when Olivia receives the first mysterious phone call, where the caller calls and hangs up. Olivia just assumes the person didn't want to talk to her, and she carries on with Brian. They agree not to have sex until Brian is in a little better condition, then the phone rings again. The mystery caller hangs up again, then immediately after her phone rings again. She answers the call hastily, only to discover that it's Munch. Munch is concerned for Olivia and orders she takes two weeks off work. _

_The next day, Olivia and Brian discuss Olivia's biological clock and marriage. Olivia is caught off guard when Brian suddenly proposes. After some careful thinking, she accepts. She realizes this is her last chance to have a family of her own. Olivia continues to be pestered by the mystery caller._

_The next morning, Olivia is woken by Amanda, who was "in the neighborhood." Olivia tells Amanda about the mystery phone call and accuses Nick. Olivia asks Amanda to check into the phone number that's calling her. Later, she and Brian go "ring shopping," where they pick out an engagement ring. While they're shopping, the mystery caller calls, and Olivia discovers that it's been Elliot calling her. Elliot asks to meet her at the coffee shop that they used to go to all the time._

_Brian is hesitant about letting Olivia go alone, but she insists that she doesn't need protection. She meets Elliot, where he informs her of what's going on in his life. He tells her that he spiraled downward after leaving the force. He is divorced, Kathy lives in Maine, Maureen is pregnant, Dickie is in the Army, Lizzie is a sophomore at Hudson, Kathleen is in Law school, and he never sees Eli, who lives with his mother. Kathleen is his only child who's speaking to him. _

_That's when Elliot breaks his tragic news. He's dying of leukemia. He begs Olivia not to tell anyone. He tells her that he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. They have a tearful goodbye. _

_Olivia returns home a wreck. She is confronted by Brian, and that's the night that they begin trying to conceive._

_Two weeks pass, and Olivia receives a phone call from Nick. There was a Jane Doe rape victim discovered with Olivia's card. Olivia and Brian meet Nick at the morgue and Olivia identifies the Jane Doe as Elizabeth Stabler. It's all downhill from here._

_Olivia calls Kathleen and has her identify her sister. She breaks down while talking to Kathleen and Munch pulls her off the case. They all worry about how Elliot will handle learning of Elizabeth's death. Olivia promised Kathleen that she will tell Elliot._

_As expected, Elliot is a wreck when Olivia tells him about Elizabeth. He corners her and takes her gun from its latch. That's when he shoots himself in front of Olivia, who emotionally falls apart. _

_The police eventually arrive at the scene and Olivia is brought to One Police Plaza where she is subject to a line of questioning. She's accused of murdering Elliot Stabler, and then later accused of being involved with Elizabeth's murder._

_Afterward, she realizes her period is late and tells Brian. She purchases two pregnancy tests, and she and Brian go out to eat. She decides to wait until morning to take the pregnancy test, because that's when they are supposed to be most accurate. She and Brian fall asleep, and the next morning they're awakened by Fin. Fin sees the pregnancy tests and insists Olivia takes one. She does, only to receive a negative result._

_Olivia and Fin go on a walk; and Fin informs Olivia that they're looking at Max Matazarro for Elizabeth's murder. He was recently released from the state penitentiary after being sentenced three years ago for killing his girlfriend. The case with Elliot's, and they have reason to believe that he became involved with Lizzie to get revenge against Elliot. They return to Olivia's apartment to find Ed Tucker, who has more questions for Olivia. He orders that Fin return to work, telling him that Captain Harris is back. He interrogates Olivia and takes her clothes from the day before. After Tucker leaves, Olivia and Brian fight, and Olivia tells him to leave because she needs some time to herself._

_Olivia later calls Kathleen, only to get yelled at by Kathy. Kathleen calls her back, and they agree to meet in Central Park. During their meeting, Kathleen informs Olivia that Maureen gave Lizzie Olivia's card because Lizzie had expressed concern lately. Olivia later goes back to her apartment and falls asleep from exhaustion. When she wakes up, she takes the second pregnancy test and is baffled to see a positive result. She immediately decides to keep the pregnancy a secret until she's absolutely positive she's pregnant and has it confirmed by a doctor._

_She goes in the living room and turns on the television, nervous of what she might see on the news. That's when sees Zara Amaro's face on her screen. She's informed that her partner has murdered his wife. She soon receives a phone call from Fin, telling her that the entire squad room is on lockdown and IAB likely has tabs on their lines. After she hangs up the phone with Fin, she receives a phone call from a drunken Brian. She goes to the bar to pick Brian up, where she learns that he's resigned from the police force. She takes him back to her apartment, only to find Ed Tucker again. _

_She puts Brian to sleep, then talks to Ed Tucker. She tells him she has nothing to hide, and she knows nothing about Nick's whereabouts. Tucker departs, telling her that she's expected back at work in two days, and then Olivia goes to bed. When she wakes, Brian is still asleep, and his vomit is all over her bathroom. She cleans it up, making herself nauseous. Memories of her childhood flash in her head._

_We left off with Olivia deciding to go to the doctor to find out once and for all if she's pregnant…_

Chapter 25

Brian,

I went to run a few errands. Don't worry about me. See you later.

Love,

Liv

Olivia posted the short note on the refrigerator, where she was sure Brian would go eventually. In the days since Brian had basically moved in, her refrigerator had been the house to more food than it ever had since she'd moved in. Her refrigerator wasn't the only appliance in her apartment seeing more use, but her stove had seen more use, too. Olivia had never cooked so much in her life.

Her doctor told her that she could squeeze her in, and Olivia—not in the mood to drive—decided to catch a cab to the clinic.

The waiting room was half full when she arrived. She approached the front desk without looking too closely at anyone in the room.

"May I help you?" the receptionist asked.

"Yeah, I just called a little while ago. I have an appointment with Dr. Mills. My name is Olivia Benson."

"Ah, yes." The woman was typing as she spoke. "Olivia Benson, it looks like we haven't seen you in over four years. We'll need you to fill out some paperwork to verify that your information is up-to-date." She handed Olivia a clipboard. Olivia took the clipboard and grabbed a pen from the jar on the desk and quickly filled out the form. Her address was different, but everything else remained the same. When she completed the paperwork, she handed the clipboard back to the receptionist.

"Here you go," Olivia said.

"Thank you, please take a seat and we'll let you know when the doctor is ready."

Olivia turned around and took a seat not far from the front desk. Moments after she sat down, she heard someone call her name. "Olivia?"

She turned her head toward the voice, aimlessly looking for who was calling her name. Who could it be? Olivia's heart raced, hoping it wasn't someone from work. She wasn't prepared to explain why she was at the clinic.

Then her heart fell when she saw an all-too familiar face. The pale-blue eyed, dirty-blonde haired woman was staring at her. A pregnant woman who shared similar features sat next to her: Kathy and Maureen. What were the odds? Olivia shuddered, remembering her last conversation with the ex-wife of the late Elliot Stabler.

"Kathy," Olivia whispered, walking toward Kathy. She looked at Maureen, "And you must be Maureen."

"It's been a while, Olivia," Maureen answered. "What brings you here?"

"That it has. Just figured I'd come in for my yearly examine. What about you? How are you holding up?" Olivia remembered what Kathleen had told her the day prior.

"Oh, you know…I have a stress test today to make sure the baby isn't under too much stress…I've been on bed rest the last couple days after all that's been happening."

"I'm sorry, Maureen," Olivia said, apologetically.

Kathy's face blushed. "Olivia, I was going to call you. They told me…everything...that Elliot…_killed_…" her forehead wrinkled as she uttered the word, and a tear rolled down her cheek as she added, "himself." She paused again and then continued, "Liv, I'm so sorry for the accusations I threw at you. I've just been so stressed out lately, and with losing my daughter and Elliot at the time…it's too much." Tears gushed out of Kathy's eyes and Maureen wrapped her arm around her mother to comfort her.

"Look, I know it's been a hard time for you, Kathy. I don't blame you for blaming me. You had to blame someone, and who better to blame than me? To be honest, I blame myself…"

"Why?" Kathy cried. "Why would you blame yourself unless you pulled the trigger?"

"It was my gun, Kathy. I shouldn't have brought it with me, or I should have fought harder to make sure he didn't take it from me…"

"Olivia, I might not understand a lot about being a cop, but that's part of your job…to carry your weapon. I may have never approved of Elliot having his gun in the house, especially when the kids were young, but it's your job. And you knew El better than I did. Once he makes up his mind, he's going to fulfill it…you couldn't have stopped him. No one could have. I never thought he would stoop so low…I knew he was at rock bottom, and I still left him…it's my fault, Olivia…" Kathy buried her face in her daughter's chest.

"Kathy, how much did the police tell you about the medical examiner's reports?" Olivia asked quietly.

"What do you mean? Just that Elliot shot himself…is there anything they should have told me?" Kathy's soaked eyes gazed at Olivia.

"When I spoke to Elliot two weeks ago, he told me…" Olivia paused, choking back a tear, "he told me that he was dying of leukemia, and he made me promise not to tell anyone. He didn't want to worry you or the rest of your family."

"Leukemia?" Maureen's mouth dropped, and Kathy's face looked like death.

"That … actually … explains everything now," Kathy whispered tearfully.

"Maureen Richardson," a nurse called. At first Olivia did not realize that the nurse was calling Maureen, but when Kathy and Maureen began to stand she put two and two together. Olivia had forgotten that Maureen had married.

"Well, Olivia, it was…nice…seeing you again. I'm truly sorry for everything. Hopefully the next time we see will be under better conditions," Kathy said, grabbing her purse and following her pregnant daughter toward the nurse.

Olivia took a seat again and began to indulge in a magazine. She hoped no one else she knew would show their face as she observed the waiting room empty. After about forty-five minutes, she heard her name, "Olivia Benson." She set the magazine aside and met the short, red-headed nurse.

First, the nurse took her weight, and Olivia clenched her fists when she saw the number on the scale. She wasn't proud of how the number on the scale had grown since she'd last weighed herself four years ago. Her metabolism had begun to slow down, and the donuts had gotten the best of her over the years.

In the room, the nurse took her blood pressure, and Olivia wasn't surprised to learn that it was higher than normal. After the stress she'd been under the past couple of days, she really expected no different.

"Olivia Benson, it's been a long time. You really should come in more often for your yearly physical, especially now that you are over forty. What brings you in today?" Dr. Mills asked when she arrived.

"I want to confirm a pregnancy," Olivia responded. The doctor's eyes widened.

"Have you taken a home pregnancy test?"

"Two. The first one said negative, and the second was positive."

"Well, we can do a blood test, and you'll have the results for certain within twenty-four hours. Now, given your age, if you are pregnant, you are aware that you'll automatically be classified as a high-risk pregnancy."

"I'm aware of that."

"If the results are positive, we'll have further discussion."

The doctor took a blood sample. While she was there, she insisted Olivia have a pap smear. Olivia disliked the idea, but she complied. She had always hated going to the doctor for fear that something _could _be wrong with her. If she didn't go, then she didn't know. Truthfully, if she was sick, she'd rather not know. _To think she'd given Elliot the dickens for not going and getting treatment_. That was one thing she and Elliot had always shared in common. They both hated doctors.

She was to expect a phone call within twenty-four hours when she left the clinic. Olivia was waiting for a cab when her phone began to ring. It was one o'clock, so she was expecting Brian. She was surprised when she read Fin's name across the screen.

"Hey, Fin."

"Liv, you're not gonna believe this…"

"What?"

"Ed Tucker is dead."

**A/N: I'd had enough requests for Tucker's death, so I figured I would follow through. What's more interesting is how he died, an explanation to come later! FYI, I'm without my laptop for now, but I have everything backed up on my external hard drive. I'll still be writing, just on school computers and my work computer. It's not as convenient, but now all I can do is write, since I can't play The Sims 3. If there are any crazy typos, let me know. I'm not as used to this keyboard as I am my personal laptop. **


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

"Ed Tucker. As in Ed Tucker from IAB?" Olivia Benson asked, dumbstruck. "Am I hearing you right, Fin?" Her jaw dropped to the ground._ Ed Tucker, dead? _Fin's words replayed in her head. She was in shock of the words she was hearing. There was no question that Ed Tucker was an asshole, and there were times that she could care less if he lived or died, but she had never wished death upon him. Yes, he had made her life hell for years, but he was only doing his job.

"You heard me, Liv."

"How? He just was at my apartment last night asking about Nick. What happened?" Scenarios ran through Olivia's head wondering what could have happened to the lieutenant between leaving her apartment and the present. She was praying that he somehow died of natural causes. If he was murdered, heaven forbid, she knew it was going to somehow come back on SVU with all that was going on.

"There's a good chance you were the last one to see him alive, then," Fin said, slowly.

_Shit, _she thought, just want she wanted to hear.

"Fin, what happened?" she demanded answers. The cab had pulled up, and Olivia opened the door and sat in the cab, quietly giving the cab driver her address, listening to Fin explain how the lieutenant had died.

"They found his car this morning. It appears he drove off the road. We won't know more until the M.E. examines his body, but right now they're saying it looks like either a suicide or a heart attack."

"Suicide just doesn't make sense," Olivia said, in total complete disbelief. Of all people in the world, Ed Tucker seemed the least likely to commit suicide. What could possibly drive him to commit suicide? Nothing lined up. "Fin, there's no way he committed suicide."

"How well do you really know the man, though?" Fin inquired, and when Olivia didn't respond, Fin added, "I'm thinking the same way, Liv. Something tells me there's something else. My theory is he was drugged."

"But if I was the last person to see him alive…" Olivia trailed. "Shit."

"Did he eat or drink anything your apartment?" Fin asked.

"No, of course not," Olivia laughed. "Trust me, Tucker and I are not on 'wine and dine' terms."

"Well, I didn't imagine that you are, but never know."

"If Ed Tucker was poisoned, it was after he left my apartment. Maybe he died of natural causes. A heart attack makes sense. Ed Tucker certainly wasn't young, plus you can imagine all the stress he was under with all that's been going on in our unit."

"I know, Liv. That's what I'm hoping, too. That's what we're all hoping."

"And he told me that I'm due to return to work on Monday…"

"Well, I'm sure IAB knows that you spoke to him last night."

"Me, too," Olivia murmured, knowing that meant she would be questioned in time.

"Where are you right now, Liv?"

"Um," Olivia started, not about to tell Fin where she'd been, "I just finished running some errands and am on the way back to my apartment right now. Why?"

"Amanda and I were just on the way to your apartment. We, uh, need to talk."

"About Tucker?"

"No, about Nick," Fin said.

"What now?" Olivia sighed. "Well, Brian is there, so he'll probably be able to let you in. I'll be there shortly."

"Okay, we'll see you then."

She hung up the phone and rested her head on the back of the seat. Olivia closed her eyes and released a loud sigh. She pressed her knuckles against her temples and gently massaged them. Everything had been so perfect. She'd been so happy. Her time away from SVU had been the time of her life. She'd experienced true bliss. Now, she returned to SVU, and she was in ruins. She'd never been this stressed out before. _I can't do this anymore, _she thought, but Olivia Benson was not a quitter. She couldn't quit. SVU was her life. Life without SVU seemed impossible. Brian, too, had lived for his job, _and he quitted. _Olivia swallowed, pondering the idea herself. For once, she had found something that made her happier than SVU.

Brian was perfect in every element. She'd missed so many great years with him, and she didn't want to lose anymore. She wanted the chaos to stop. She just wanted to be with Brian, away from the madness. If only she hadn't agreed to meet Elliot during the beginning of her relationship with Brian. But, she needed closure, and she couldn't truly regret agreeing to meet Elliot. Nonetheless, that wouldn't have stopped Elizabeth from being murdered. However, Olivia wouldn't have known that Elliot was suffering from leukemia, and she may have approached the situation differently. Maybe she could have stopped Elliot from ending his life prematurely.

Still, she couldn't have stopped Nick from murdering his wife. No one could have seen that coming. Nick was crazy, but she never would have perceived him as a murderer. Now, what could Nick and Amanda possibly want to talk to her regarding Nick?

"Rough day?" the cab driver asked her.

"Rough life," she responded.

The cab nodded, and soon he pulled against the curb in front of her apartment. "I hope things get better for you."

"Me, too," Olivia said, getting out of the cab. She paid her fare, and made her way to her apartment. When she entered the apartment, she found Brian, fully clothed, sitting around her table with Amanda and Fin. They were all sipping coffee.

"Liv, there you are. I got your note," Brian stood and gave her a peck on the cheek. He then observed her closely, raising an eyebrow. "What errands were you running? You don't have any groceries, and you didn't get your hair done." He grabbed her hand and observed her nails, "Or your nails."

"Don't worry about it," she whispered, softly, and Brian raised a curious eyebrow. Olivia turned to Fin and Amanda, "So, what's up? I see Brian's taken care of you guys."

"That, he has," Amanda said, appreciatively.

"Want some coffee, Liv?" Brian asked.

"Um," Olivia grunted, remembering that caffeine wasn't recommended for pregnant women. Even though she didn't have the official results yet, she wanted to play it on the safe side. She was under enough stress already, which was frowned upon, so she didn't want to take any chances. "I'm going to have to pass."

"Liv is passing on coffee? She must be sick!" Fin insisted.

Brian's face showed the same suspicion. "You okay, Olivia? I've never known you to pass up a coffee."

She shrugged. "I'm just not in the mood." Everyone's eyes were still on her. She went to the sink and poured herself some tap water. Taking the last seat at the table, next to Brian and Fin, she turned to Fin and Amanda. "So, tell me about Nick."

**Author's Note: **_**I'm sorry this chapter is so short, but I wanted to update and I'm literally exhausted. School is back in session, which unfortunately means less updates. I didn't want to leave you hanging for too long, though, with last chapter's cliffhanger! What do you think? Was Tucker murdered, or did he die of natural causes? What do Fin and Amanda want to discuss about Nick? This weekend is going to be crazy (celebrating m y 21**__**st**__** birthday, which was yesterday), so I really don't know when I'm going to be able to update again. I know you all want me to just announce Liv's pregnant, but I'm trying to take a more realistic approach. I hate when authors are like, "She had sex. Two days later she found out she was pregnant." Very unlikely.**_


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

Silence beckoned the room for a moment, until Fin looked at Brian.

"You know, I'm getting a little hungry. I don't know about ya'll." Fin rubbed his belly and turned to Brian. "If I give you a twenty, do you think ya could go pick us up some pizza?"

"Um, what's this about?" Brian inquired suspiciously, raising one of his dark eyebrows. "If I didn't know better, I'd suggest you were trying to get rid of me. What's this about, Fin? First you show up yesterday and insist you and Liv take a walk without me. Now you're trying to shoo me away? I don't follow. Why are we keeping secrets from me?"

"Chill, bro. It's nothing that pertains to you. And I'm honestly hungry. What about you, Liv and Amanda?" Fin looked between Amanda and Olivia. Olivia could understand why Fin might want to discuss Nick without Brian's presence. Brian hated him, and whatever it was would likely just make Brian hate him more. Olivia in no way condoned Nick murdering his wife, or any of the other stupid shit he'd done recently, but she knew in her heart that Nick was a good person. She'd worked beside him for a year. He had a good heart, and he had to have motive to do what he'd done.

"I'm starving," Amanda insisted. "I haven't eaten anything other than a donut last night around midnight. I'm down for pizza. How's pepperoni and sausage sound?"

"I love pepperoni and sausage," Fin agreed, looking at Olivia. "What about you?"

"Well, actually…" her stomach gargled, and she patted her stomach lightly. She hadn't realized how hungry she really was. She concluded, "That sounds great."

"There you have it, Brian," Fin said, pulling out a twenty dollar bill out of his wallet and handing it to Brian.

"We could get delivery," Brian offered, seemingly desperate to stay for the conversation.

"Nah, I don't trust those delivery boys," Fin said.

"Well, I'm glad to know you _trust _me," Brian said, rolling his eyes, taking the money, and reaching for his coat. "I'll be back shortly, so talk about whatever you need to quickly." He stormed out of the apartment.

Fin sighed, looking at Olivia. "Your boy has an attitude."

Olivia shrugged. "Can you blame him?"

"Munch was telling me about when he worked at SVU and how he apparently had a thing for you then, and you denied him…apparently he snapped a few times."

"It's a long story," Olivia said, "that I don't want to go into, Fin."

"I'm just looking out for you, Liv. You're like a sister to me."

"Brian's a good guy. He's just a natural detective who has the desire to know what's going on at all times. I'm the same way. Now, tell me what's going on with Nick. Has there been a break in the case? Have they found Zara and him?"

"I'm pretty sure you'd have heard already if they did, but no. Liv, we wanted to know if Nick had tried contacting you at all. I know you said yesterday that he hadn't. But something's changed…"

"What?" Olivia's eyes widened. "No, Nick hasn't tried calling me. What's changed?"

"This is the reason we couldn't have the conversation with Brian in the room," Amanda said slowly. Her blue eyes gazed into Olivia's. "Olivia, Nick called me late last night, around an hour before they estimated Tucker's vehicle went off the road."

Olivia's heart dropped, having a feeling she knew where this was going.

"What did Nick say? Did you tell anyone?"

"He told me he was calling from a payphone, but he wouldn't say where. He said that he and Zara were safe, and he wanted me to know that he had no intentions of hurting her. He said that he felt horrible for doing what he did, and that he only did it for Zara's well-being. He mentioned that Maria had accepted a job in California and planned to take Zara with her."

"How long was this call?" Olivia asked.

"Like five minutes. It ended with me telling him that I had no choice but to tell Tucker, and he freaked out. Then the line went dead."

"Did you call Tucker?"

"No," Amanda said quietly. "I was going to, but then I decided that I'd be betraying him. I mean, I know I could get in big trouble if it comes out, but I can't tell anyone now. It's been too long, and they're going to question why I didn't tell someone right away. Nick trusted me enough to call me. I don't know why he called me and not you…"

"It's not like we've been extremely close lately," Olivia admitted. "So, I'm not surprised."

"We've never been exactly close, either. I just haven't taken the opportunity to get to know him, I guess. If anyone here knows him at all, Liv, it's you."

"He's changed since his wife left him," Olivia said quietly. "I don't know him anymore."

"It takes a crazy man to do what Nick did, I'm sorry," Fin said. "I'm assuming you don't know the details, Liv."

"All I know is what the television told me," Olivia responded. "Why, what did he do?"

"Well, apparently he drove to Washington D.C. and picked Zara up from school. Apparently he wasn't on the authorization list, so the teacher hesitated to let him take Zara, but Zara was so ecstatic to see her daddy, that they let him take her. Then, apparently he went to Maria's residence and entered the house. We don't know complete details, but we can assume he told Zara to stay in the car. He entered the house and shot Maria with a single bullet to her heart then fled with Zara."

"Wait, you said he was AWOL yesterday morning, and I heard about this on the news yesterday evening. You said he'd been missing since you heard about El. Where did he go between that evening and doing all this?"

"We don't know, Liv. It's possible he was plotting out exactly what he was going to do. Nick's a smart guy. He wouldn't go into a situation unequipped."

"That's true," Olivia admitted. "Wait." She looked back and forth at Amanda, remembering something Amanda had said earlier. _"It ended with me telling him I had no choice but to tell Tucker." _

"What, Liv?" Amanda and Fin both asked.

"You said that you told Nick you were going to tell Ed Tucker that he called," Olivia noted. "You don't think that it's possible that he's somehow…involved?"

"It really wouldn't faze me," Amanda admitted, looking at Fin, who sighed and nodded.

"I have my suspicions. And if Nick is involved, that means he's in the city, or at least he was last night."

"Nick is not dumb enough to stay in the city long," Olivia said just as Brian was walking in with a box of pizza in his hand. "That was quick," she said, looking at Brian.

"I said that I would be quick," Brian grinned, setting the pizza down and kissing her cheek. "Now, what were we talking about?"

"We were talking about how damn good this pizza is going to be," Fin insisted, opening the box and reaching for a piece of pizza.

"I see," Brian said, doubtfully. He reached into his pocket and pulled out some change, handing it to Fin. "Here's your change."

"Thanks," Fin said with a mouthful of pizza in his mouth. Fin looked around at the other three. "Well, what are you waiting for? Dig in!"

Olivia looked at Amanda and Brian, who shrugged. They were all soon devouring the pizza.

Once they were fed, Fin stood up and looked at Amanda. "Well, we should get going." He turned to Liv. "It was nice talking to you, and I'll be seeing you back at the station soon, no?"

"Um, yeah…" Olivia trailed, thoughts ran through her head that she didn't want to share with Fin at the time. She was due back at work Monday, though she didn't know what was going to happen now in light of Tucker's death. She was surprised she hadn't heard from Internal Affairs or One Police Plaza recently. They were all likely shook up over Ed's death that they had completely forgotten about her. _One could only hope. _

She stood and Fin gave her a hug. "Take care of yourself, Liv."

"I will. You guys, too."

Fin and Amanda parted, and Olivia cleaned up the table. Brian still sat in his chair. Olivia noticed he was staring intently at her.

"What?"

"Nothing," he replied.

"Why are you staring at me, then?"

"Just thinking," he said.

She sat across from him and reached for his hand. "Tell me what's on your mind, then."

"You're beautiful," he told her.

"I am? Well, if you say so. I don't think I am," she shrugged.

Brian chuckled. "When will you learn to take a compliment?" She didn't answer, because for most of her life she hadn't thought she was worthy of compliments. She'd never had a high self-esteem. Nonetheless, she'd tried to portray herself as confident for the sake of her job. She knew that her job was never going to be the same again. Her professional life had crumbled over the past few days, and she wasn't sure she could take it anymore. When Fin had told her that he hoped to see her back soon, her first thought in her mind had been _I don't. _She loved her coworkers. They were like family to her, and nothing could terminate her relationship with Fin, Munch, or Cragen. However, her job wasn't her life anymore. She gazed into Brian's adorable eyes. _He was. _

"Brian, you know I love you, right?" she whispered.

"You've said it a few times, I think," Brian smiled, walking behind her and gently rubbing her shoulders. "I love you, too, and not just because you're the sexiest woman I've ever met."

She blushed. "You're too kind." _God, that feels good, _she released a moan as Brian massaged the tension out of her shoulders.

"I just don't know why Fin wants to be hush-hush around me," Brian sighed.

"He knows Nick is a sore subject around you, that's all," Olivia insisted, knowing that wasn't the entire story. Olivia knew that if Brian had been present in the room when Amanda had confessed that Nick had called her, he would have insisted they immediately report it. Though, Olivia understood Amanda's reasoning for not reporting it. Now, it was too late. However, Olivia knew that if IAB learned of the call shit would go down. _Shit, I can't be part of this anymore, _Olivia thought. _It's too much. _

"Brian," she whispered.

"Yeah, baby?"

"I think I want to quit Special Victims."

She couldn't believe the words that had just released from her lips.


	28. Chapter 28

***Author's Note: This chapter is rated M. I had an opportunity, and I just had to take it.**

Chapter 28

Brian's hands froze on her shoulders, his fingers still dug into her shoulder blades. Her heart picked up its pace, as she bent her neck and stared into Brian's petrified eyes. His face showed the same disbelief as she felt.

_I think I want to quit SVU, _the words slurred in her head. Did she want to quit SVU? After the last few days, she honestly thought she did. The Manhattan Special Victims Unit had been her life for fourteen years. She lived and breathed SVU, and she'd loved every moment of it. She'd made it through the ups and downs, but it had all been worth it. She did not regret in any way making SVU her life. She'd advocated and sought justice for thousands of victims over the year. Sure, she'd pondered "what could have been," if SVU hadn't been her life. There were all those dates she'd turned down to work late. Now, none of it mattered. She had Brian.

She slid off the chair and stood even to Brian and wrapped her arms around him and lightly kissed his neck.

"Liv, did I just hear you right?" he whispered softly. His voice was muffled.

She grabbed his hand, and looked into his dark eyes. Tears began to soak her face.

"I think it's time," Olivia whispered. "I've been on the force twenty years. I can receive my full pension. I've been able to since August, but I wasn't going to because I had nothing else to live for. But now, now, Brian, I do…I have you…"

"Oh, Liv," he released a sigh, wrapping his strong arms around her and kissing her on the forehead. "SVU has been your baby, and I don't want to take it away from you."

She curled her teeth over her lower lip, tempted to blurt out that she may no longer need SVU to be her baby, because they were having their own. But, since she had not heard back from the doctors, she held that bit in. She didn't want to leak premature news, just in case.

"SVU isn't my baby anymore," Olivia whispered, stroking his wrist. "You are. I love you."

"Liv, I love you, too," Brian grinned. His loving eyes gazed into hers, and her heart fluttered and picked up its pace. Their lips met for a warm, passionate kiss. The pizza they had just eaten lingered on Brian's tongue as Olivia ran her tongue against his. Their tongues intertwined as they kissed. Brian gradually moved his mouth down her neck. His hands moved down her waist and landed on her butt. He massaged his thumbs into her butt cheeks, and she released a pleasurable moan.

"Oh, Brian…"

"You know," he whispered, seductively. "It's not too early to start trying again." He sucked on her neck, and she didn't know what to say. She wanted so badly to tell him about the positive pregnancy test and where she'd really been earlier, but she just couldn't.

"You're right," she whispered, as he lifted her off the floor and carried her into the bedroom. He took his shirt off, and then he started to work hers off while kissing her lower stomach. He unfastened her bra, and his lips landed on her breasts. His lips landed on her hard nipple, and his tongue did circles around it. She moaned loudly and unbuttoned his pants for him as he unbuttoned hers. His fingers dipped into her underwear and gently stroked her outer lips. The area too sensitive for her, and she released a loud moan. It'd only been three days since they'd been intimate, but it felt like forever. After all, they'd been intimate often three or four times a day for two weeks straight.

She ran her hand down his stomach and felt his erection press against her hand. She gently stomach before gently removing his underwear and tossing them to the ground. He followed suit. His fingers entered her and twirled, hitting her G-spot. She released a loud moan, as she felt the pressure build. She grabbed him and started pumping her hand up and down.

"Ahhh," he moaned, his fingers slowed inside her as he lost control of himself. "Don't do that, I don't know how long I'll be able to last, ooooh, that feels so good…"

"I need you inside me, baby," she whispered softly, as he pranced on top of her and entered inside, and he began to thrust. She moaned, as her heart pace quickened and the tension continued to build as she reached her climax so quickly. Brian knew all the spots to hit. "Oooooh, that's the spot…keep going…oh, baby…I love you so damn much! Ooooh…I'm gonna come…_oooh_…"

"Me, too, baby, _oooh…_I _love_ when we come together…"

She felt his come inside her as she came. Her heart was racing insanely fast as he pulled out and then fell on top of her. He planted a kiss on her lips as she struggled to catch her breath and her heart continued to race.

"Your heart," he whispered, "is beating so fast."

She could feel his heart pounding against his chest, too.

"So is yours," she laughed, smiling into his twinkling eyes.

"I'm just so excited," Brian said. "Hopefully those will reach your eggs."

She couldn't help but laugh. "We'll have to wait and see."

He smiled, kissing her forehead. "Baby, I do have one question."

"What's that?"

"Where were you really earlier?" _He just had to ask. _"Liv, you said you were running errands. What _kind _of errands? Sorry for asking, but I'm just worried because, well, Ed Tucker is dead, and technically you're the last person to see him alive. I just don't want this to come up in your face. I know you didn't have anything to do with his death, but you know how it looks…"

He was right, and she was surprised Fin had not questioned her further on where she had been.

"I can't tell you right now," Olivia murmured. "But, I'll tell you as soon as I have something to tell you, okay? I promise."

"I really hate when you keep secrets from me," Brian said, sulking. He kissed her cheek. "I love you so much, and I want you to know I'll support you no matter what."

"You would still support me even if I really did kill Ed Tucker?" Olivia laughed, raising an eyebrow.

"Um…especially if you killed Ed Tucker," Brian laughed. "The prick…I can't say I'm sorry he's dead. Wait, you didn't kill him, did you?"

"Of course I didn't!" Olivia asserted to him, surprised that at the accusation, but she didn't blame him. After all, the timing was just right. Though, according to Fin, Tucker died in the early morning. She had been asleep then, but a drunken Brian had been very much asleep, too. _Shit, _she realized, she didn't have an alibi, if she was questioned. No one had said anything yet to her, but if it was proven that Ed had been murdered, then she would – again – be a prime suspect. _Can I just run away now? _Then, she would look suspicious, however, so running away was not an option. That's just what she needed. She'd already been the suspect in two other deaths within the last two days. Why did IAB always blame Olivia Benson for everything? She just had a horrible habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"I know you couldn't kill him, Liv. You couldn't hurt a fly," Brian said, then added, "Unless he was a rapist."

"Right, and I'm pretty sure Ed Tucker only tortured NYPD detectives with his words and actions," Olivia said, just as she heard her ringtone go off in the living room, where her phone was on the kitchen table. _Oh shit, _she thought, _who's calling me now? _Whoever it was, it couldn't possibly be good news. Though, if it were IAB, she figured, they'd personally pay a visit to her apartment, instead of calling her. It could be Fin with new news.

"You want me to get that for you?"

"No," she said, insistently. "I've got it."

She ran out of her bedroom, still naked. It was her apartment, and the only person in the apartment besides herself was Brian. He'd seen her naked plenty of times. The blinds were pulled, so she figured that she was entitled to walk around without clothes. She looked at the identification on the phone, shocked to see it was an unknown number. _What the hell? _She thought, wondering who could possibly be calling her. Her heart raced picked up, as she answered the call. "Hello?" she whispered hesitantly. There was no response. "Hello, who is this?"

"Liv," a hasty, muffled man's voice entered her ear. The voice was familiar, but she couldn't believe that he would actually call her.

"You're not…"

"It's me, Nick," the voice continued. "And before you freak out, please, just listen to me."

"You shouldn't be calling," she whispered into the phone, looking back at the bedroom to make sure that Brian hadn't come out. He was still lying on the bed. She had nowhere to go, since she was unclothed.

"Are you alone?" he asked.

"Not quite," she responded. "What's this about?"

"Then don't talk, let me do all the talking. Liv, I know we've been on the outs lately, and I'm sure you've heard about everything that's happened. I know you don't trust me, and I'm sure you think I belong in bars. I only have a few minutes, but I need to see you and talk to you. There's so much I need to fill you in on. Please, Liv, give me a chance…"

"You know I could get in big trouble for talking to you," she hissed quietly, hoping Brian couldn't hear her.

"I know, believe me, I know. Liv, please don't tell anyone. I can't have you doing that, just as I couldn't have Amanda doing that. I don't want to hurt anyone else, Liv. You know I'm not a killer at heart. I need to talk to you. Can you meet tonight around 9 o'clock? Zara would love to see you, too, I'm sure."

"The hell…"

"Liv, it will all make sense. Please, don't tell anyone I called. If you could just meet me, there's an abandoned farm in Upstate New York that Zara and I are staying at. A text will be sent with directions."

"You're mad."

"I'm sure that's what everyone's thinking, but it'll all make sense once we talk. I have to go now. I trust that you won't say anything to anyone, because you'll regret it."

_Did he just threaten me? _The line went dead, and her heart was racing. What the hell was he on? This wasn't the Nick she'd grown to know and trust. Then again, had she ever really known Nick? They'd only worked together for thirteen months. She didn't know anymore.

She immediately deleted the call history from her phone, terrified that someone would look into her history. What if they decided to investigate the call? _You'll regret it. _She repeated the words in her head. Had Nick been behind Ed Tucker's death? If not, he sure as hell made it seem like he had been. Was she going to meet Nick? How would she do so without Brian finding out? Her head was spinning with possibilities.

She entered her bedroom and put her clothes on. She was sweating profusely; her hands were clammy and the sweat dripped off her face.

"Who was it?" Brian asked, concernedly, pulling his own shirt back over his head.

"Uh, just Fin. He was letting me know that there's no new news about Tucker, and he wanted to make sure I was okay."

She noticed the perplexity in Brian's expression.

"Oh, really?" He reached for her hand, and seemed to be taking note the clamminess. "Then why do you look so nervous? You're not a very good liar, Miss Olivia Benson." He guided her into his arms and hugged her tightly. "You know, you can tell me anything, baby. You can trust me."

"I know, Brian," Olivia whispered. "Everything's fine, I promise."

She hated lying to him.

Her heart jolted when she heard her cell phone ringing again.

"Let me get that for you," Brian smiled devilishly.

"No!" she cried, as he ran into the living room and she ran after him. He took her phone and a confused look took over his face.

"Why is the Manhattan Women's Clinic calling you, Liv?"

His eyes beat intently on her, and Olivia knew that her secret was about to be uncovered.

**A/N- Oh, shit! The moment you've all been waiting for…is Liv pregnant? Also, Nick sure has balls calling her! Do you think she'll meet him? What do you think he wants to discuss? I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to update, but life has literally been crazy lately. This is the first chance I've had in about two weeks to really write.**


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Olivia's heart raced as Brian's concerned brown eyes twinkled into hers. The phone rang one more time, and Olivia knew that one more ring would bring the phone to voice mail. "I will explain later," she responded softly, quickly snatching the phone from Brian's hand. Her stomach tightened, knowing that this phone call may change her life forever.

"This is Olivia Benson," she answered. She couldn't remember the last time she had answered a phone call with a standard "Hello" greeting.

"Hello, Ms. Benson, this is Dr. Mills from the Manhattan Women's Clinic. You had some tests done earlier, and I have your results," the doctor's voice filled her ear. Olivia pressed her phone close to her ear, unsure if Brian could hear the other line. She had never felt her heart beat against her chest so rapid and hard. Her stomach tied in knots. She couldn't take the anticipation any longer. The sweat dripped from her forehead, and she could feel Brian's eyes beating on her. He didn't say a word. "Congratulations, Olivia, your pap smear came back normal, and your blood results came back positive. It looks like you are going to have a baby!"

Her cell phone fell out of her sweaty palm. The room was spinning like she had just gotten off the Silly Silo. The floor seemed to drop, and she felt as if she were standing on air.

"Liv, are you okay?" she heard Brian's panicked voice echo in her head as everything suddenly went dark.

Her head was throbbing when she came to consciousness again. The luminous bright light shining in her eyes most likely had something to do with that. As she opened her eyes, Olivia soon realized she was no longer in her apartment. She was in a hospital bed.

"She's coming to!" a familiar voice announced, but it wasn't Brian. Her eyes slowly began to adjust, and Fin's face came into focus.

"I told ya as soon as we sent him out of the room that she would." Olivia immediately recognized Amanda's southern accent from not far away. She watched Amanda walk closer to Fin then look at her. "You gave us quite a scare, Liv."

"What happened?" Olivia managed to mouth. She had so many questions. How long had she been in the hospital? Her thoughts were clustered, as she tried to recall her last memory. Then it hit her. She had been on the phone with Dr. Mills, and the doctor had just given her the test results. _"It looks like you're going to have a baby," _the doctor's last words replayed in Olivia's head. What had happened next? It was suddenly all blurry. Olivia vaguely remembered feeling light headed. Had she passed out? How had she gotten to the hospital? Where was Brian? Her phone had fallen from her hand. Had Brian picked it up? Did he know that she was pregnant already? _Oh, God, _she thought_, the baby! _Was the baby all right? What if something horrible had happened to baby when she'd fallen? A lump coiled in her throat.

"Well, Liv, a combination of your blood sugar reaching a chronic lowness and your blood pressure dropping very suddenly caused you to pass out," Fin answered, gently stroking her hair. Her body was so warm. She could feel the sweat dripping from her face, and the grease accumulating in her hair. She felt disgusting and embarrassed to have Fin touching her hair.

"Hey, I'm gonna go find Brian. We made him step out and go grab somethin' to eat. He'll be so happy to see you're all right, Liv. Poor guy was worried sick; wouldn't even leave your side 'til we get here and forced him to," Amanda said, smiling at her, and disappearing through the door.

"Fin, how long was I unconscious?" Olivia immediately asked after Amanda departed. Her eyes wandered the room, noticing several sets of flowers by her bed side.

"Around six hours. The whole unit has been in, you know. Cragen and Munch just left; I'm supposed to call them now that you're awake. You've also had quite a few visitors from the D.A.'s office: Casey, Alex, and Rafael were all here."

Olivia's eyes widened, surprised that Alex and Casey had stopped by, considering she had not spoken to either in several months. She wasn't surprised Rafael had stopped by; they'd been developing a strong friendship over the last few months.

"Word travels quickly around here, huh?" Olivia insisted. She wanted badly to ask about the baby, but she wasn't sure Fin was the right person to ask.

"We just wanted to make sure our baby girl was okay, Liv. We're your family," Fin smiled, just as Brian barged into the room.

"Liv! You're awake, my God. I was so worried!" Brian ran toward her and leaned down, kissing her gently on the forehead. He grabbed her right hand, gently stroking it. He gazed into her eyes and rubbed his nose against hers. "God, Liv, why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted to make sure first," she whispered, already knowing what she was talking about.

"We'll leave you two alone," Fin insisted. His eyes directed over to Amanda, who was standing the doorway. She nodded, and the two left.

"I'm sorry," Olivia whispered, feeling a tear roll down her cheek.

"No, baby, you have nothing to be sorry about," Brian insisted. "I understand completely."

"Brian, the baby, is everything…"

"The baby is fine, honey. The doctor said the baby suffered no trauma from your losing consciousness," Brian's eyes twinkled. She could see the excitement on his face. "Wow, Liv, _the baby_, I can't believe…I'm going to be a dad." Her throat moistened as tears began to pour out of her eyes. "Liv, don't cry! This is what you wanted, isn't it?" He wrapped his arms around her, and she buried her face in his shoulder. The tears gushed out of her eyes.

"I'm scared, Brian," she whispered.

"Me, too, Liv. Me, too. But it's going to be worth it in the end. I'm not going to leave your side, sweetheart. We're in this together. I love you."

"I love you too, Brian. But I'm almost forty-five years old! What if I'm too old? What if I'm a terrible mother? What if there's something wrong with the baby? Oh, God, Brian. I don't know if I could live with myself if…"

"Shhh, Liv," Brian placed his finger over her mouth. "Don't jump to conclusions. Everything is going to be okay. I just know it is. And you're going to be an amazing mother. I have no doubt in my mind."

How could he have no doubt when she had all the doubts in the world in hers? So many possibilities of what could go wrong went through her head. Aside from being pregnant, she had so many other worries on her plate. So much had happened in the last week. She wasn't sure how much more she could handle.

"Look who's awake." Olivia looked to see a male doctor entered the room. "Hello, Olivia. I'm Doctor Roberts, and I've been taking care of you the last few hours." He held out his, and she grasped it and shook his hand. "Now, it looks like you're pregnant. Luckily, the baby looks healthy. It looks like you're around five weeks along. This makes your due date around June 8."

It was all so surreal for Olivia. She had begun to accept that she would most likely never have a child of her own. She had applied to become an adoptive parent, but she had been declined. She understood why, too, because she was too busy. Her job had been her life for so long that she had forgotten that there was more to life. She loved working with children, though sometimes they were the hardest to work with in her line of work. _A baby of my own, _she thought, trying to make this moment feel real, but it just didn't. Brian held her hand, and she squeezed it gently. She was so grateful for him. She didn't know what she'd do without him.

"Now, Olivia, we need to talk about your fall. It looks like you have been suffering from Type 2 Diabetes for a while now, actually. You're not far along in your pregnancy to have gestational diabetes. Have you noticed yourself being light headed and having to urinate frequently?"

She always had headaches, but she had assumed that was part of the job. They were so frequent that she ceased to notice them anymore.

"Well, your blood sugar levels were outrageously low. Now, this poses a threat for the baby, especially if you do not take care of yourself. Your pregnancy is already high-risk because you're over forty, but diabetic women pose even higher risked pregnancies. It's important that you watch your glucose very carefully. Because you weren't watching your glucose before the pregnancy, we're going to have to watch you very closely."

Nausea swept over her.

"What are you saying, Doctor? Is my baby going to be okay?"

"I can't make any promises, but with proper treatment and observation, you should have a healthy baby boy or girl in nine months," the doctor said. "I recommend you meet with your regular doctor in the next week or two to discuss appointments. For now, though, I'm going to prescribe insulin injections."

"Wait. Is insulin safe for the baby?" Brian cut in.

"Brian, he wouldn't prescribe something that's not safe," Olivia insisted.

"Now, we're going to keep you overnight for observation. You should be safe to go home tomorrow afternoon, assuming all goes all right," the doctor told her.

After the doctor left, Olivia stared blankly at Brian.

"Baby, it's going to be okay," he whispered softly.

"I don't know," she whispered. "I wish I would have known before. If I would have known, then I could have prepared myself better."

"It's not your fault, Liv," Brian assured her. "You can't blame yourself."

"I should have taken care of myself better," Olivia said, sobbing. "I was so damn focused on the job, I didn't care about myself."

"I know, Liv, and I understand completely. I was the same way. Hell, I haven't been to the doctor in like fifteen years."

Olivia's eyes widened. "Maybe you should get yourself checked out, then."

"Liv, I'm fine…I think I of all people would know if I weren't."

"And I thought the same thing," Olivia noted. "Brian Alexander Cassidy, I am not bringing a child into this world only to have his or her father find out that he's dying of some chronic disease shortly thereafter. You need to go to the doctor. Please, if not for me, for your unborn child?" She curled her lip.

He released a sigh. "Okay, I'll get myself checked out. For both of you," he said and kissed her forehead, then he gently rubbed her stomach. "Everything is going to be okay, Liv."

"Please don't make me any promises," Olivia whispered and added, somberly, "I've had too many broken promises during my lifetime."

**A/N: Aww, poor Liv. This is the chapter you've all been waiting for, I know. Well, I guess Liv missed her meeting with Nick. How will he take that? Will Olivia have a healthy pregnancy? Also, what's going on with Tucker's murder investigation? More to come! **


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

The medication made her groggy, making it difficult for her to keep her eyes open. Brian wouldn't leave her side, though, and he wouldn't let her hand go. God, she loved him so much. She hadn't understood the meaning of love before Brian had entered into her life. Why hadn't she seen what could have been so many years ago? By now, they could have a family of their own. This baby certainly wouldn't be their first. Olivia was absolutely terrified to her age and bring a child into the world. She didn't know what she was getting into, but she prayed that it would all be worth it in the end. She'd been much younger when Brian had first entered her life, but she couldn't go back now. She was pregnant_, pregnant_. The word still seemed surrealistic. She was going to be bringing a baby boy or girl into the world, assuming all went well.

The room remained silent. Fin and Amanda had not returned. Maybe they'd caught a case. So much had been going on in their world recently. It all started Cragen being accused of murder. Everything had gone hill afterward. Now, Cragen's name was cleared, but everything else was wrong in the world. Elliot and Elizabeth were dead. Olivia still couldn't believe that she had never see Elliot again. He'd been missing in action from her life for over a year and a half, but she'd always knew deep down that he'd come back; and he had, when her world had turned upside down. Now, he was gone. She hadn't heard word if Elizabeth's killer was still at large. Had Max Matazarro, the boy who had killed his girlfriend back in 2008, really murdered Elizabeth? She wished Fin would come back so she could ask him questions.

To top this story off, Nick Amaro, a man Olivia had learned to trust as her partner, was now wanted for murder. _Nick, _Olivia's head throbbed, remembering the phone call she'd received earlier that day. Nick had contacted her, wanting to meet tonight. Obviously, she'd missed the appointment. What was going through Nick's head? He had told her to follow the directions in the text. What text? Where was her phone? Her thoughts raced as she remembered that her phone had been in her hand when she'd passed out. Surely Brian had her phone. _Shit, _she thought, wondering if Brian had received the text message. But Brian was still here. Had he even looked at her phone since she'd passed out? If he had, wouldn't he have said something about the text?

"Brian," she murmured hoarsely.

"Liv? I thought you were asleep," he whispered soothingly, stroking her hair gently.

"Where's my phone?" Olivia asked.

"Hm, now that you mention it, I think I left it on the counter in your apartment. Do you want me to run over to your place and get it? Or, I could call Fin or someone and ask them to bring it."

"No, it's okay," Olivia insisted, thinking that her apartment was the safest place for her phone at the moment, where no one could read her text messages. When she went home, she could see if Nick had texted her. Still, she worried about his reaction to her not showing. She knew that he couldn't possibly be in contact with anyone else on the squad. He'd tried to contact Amanda, but she'd threatened to turn him in, but now Tucker was dead. Likewise, the entire department's focus had shifted to finding the murderer of a lieutenant. The search for Nick Amaro had been pushed to the side. Besides, Maria's murder hadn't occurred in New York. It had occurred in Washington D.C.

Nick could be located anywhere in United States. It was possible that he had left the country. Olivia knew that Nick had family ties in Miami. He'd told her that he and Zara were staying at a farm in Upstate New York. However, once she didn't show, it was very likely that he could have fled to Miami or somewhere else. _Nick is no fool, _Olivia noted, realizing Nick wouldn't flee somewhere that the police would think to search for him. He could be anywhere. Though, she knew her heart that he'd never harm his daughter.

Olivia eventually drifted off to sleep, and when she woke the morning sunlight beamed against her face. Her hand felt empty, and she soon realized that Brian was no longer holding her hand. Where was Brian? She looked up, not to see Brian, but another familiar pale face. Casey Novak's green eyes beamed down at her. Next to her was another familiar face; her blonde hair let down and she wore a wide smile on her face. Olivia was initially shocked to see Alexandra Cabot ad Casey Novak standing side-by-side.

"Casey…Alex…" Olivia smiled at her friends from the District Attorney's office.

"Hey, Liv!" Casey grinned, walking toward her. "How are you feeling?"

She smiled weakly at Casey and Alex. "Not too shabby. I-I'm shocked to see both of you here together."

"Well, we were here yesterday with Rafael, but you were still knocked out. Case and I have become pretty good friends lately. Turns out we've got a lot in common," Alex laughed, smiling between Olivia and Casey.

"Oh, I bet you've got lots of stories to share with each other," Olivia noted.

"You'd be amazed at the some of the stuff we've come up with, mostly relating to the SVU squad, particularly you and…" Alex's voice trailed off, though Olivia knew where she was going. "Liv, I'm so sorry."

Olivia knew that she was talking about Elliot.

"Me, too," she whispered, "me, too. So much has happened lately. It's like my life has turned upside down."

Casey took a seat next to Olivia. "But it's all going to be all right, Liv. You're probably the strongest person I know, and you'll pull through. I'm so happy for you and Brian. Nobody deserves a baby more than you."

Tears watered in Olivia's eyes. "I'm not so sure about that sometimes," she whispered.

"Liv, don't cry. You're going to be an amazing mom, and I'm looking forward to being an auntie. I have to say that you're my role model and you have been for years. You give hope to women everywhere," Alex said, smiling.

"Why do you say that?"

"Look at you, Liv. You're speaking to the two longest-standing ADAs in SVU's history. You've outlasted both of us plus all the others. Most people can't work Special Victims for more than a year. You've been there fourteen years. Nobody cares as much as you do about the victims, Liv," Casey told her. "You're a great cop and friend, and you're going to be a great mom."

"Thanks for the encouragement, ladies. I'm lucky to have such great friends. I just wish…I wish I could have been there for Lizzie. Has her murderer been caught?" She figured Casey and Alex were just as good as anyone to ask.

"Actually," Casey began, smiling, "that's why Barba couldn't make it. He's arraigning Max as we speak."

Olivia's heart filled with joy.

"We're positive that he did it?" Olivia asked.

"The evidence points directly to him. There's no doubt in my mind that he did it, and I don't think there's a doubt in Barba's mind, either. Max should be facing life in prison if all goes accordingly," Alex informed her.

"I'm assuming motive was revenge against Elliot?" Olivia inquired.

"That's what it looks like," Casey muttered. "I'm glad we got him, because who knows who he could have gone after next. He could have targeted you, because you worked on that case just as much as Elliot. I think Elliot was just an easier target because he has daughters around his age. It was easy for Max to trick Lizzie into dating him, and then he had his game plan."

"How did he even find out about Lizzie, though?"

"Oh, c'mon, Liv. You've worked computer crimes. It's not rocket science to tap into someone's family these days. He probably did a few quick Google searches and knew where to begin," Casey hypothesized.

"I'm just glad you have him. So, what else has been happening? Has there been any word Tucker or," she took a deep breath before heaving, "Nick."

"They're not releasing a whole lot of information on Tucker's death," Alex told her.

"Fin said he talked to Warner, though, and she believes there was foul play involved. That's all I've heard, because One Police Plaza is trying to keep this one quiet," Casey said.

"I am really not surprised," Olivia admitted. She looked up, waiting for one to answer her question about Nick.

"I've heard of no new leads on Nick's disappearance," Casey informed her. "We know he hasn't left the country, though, because all airports nationwide have been alerted to screen for his passport. He's still in the country."

"Nick wouldn't leave the country," Olivia said quietly. "He's a smart cop. He'd stay somewhere rural, where he wouldn't get caught."

Casey and Alex each lifted an eyebrow.

"Is there something you know, Olivia? Because if you do know something, you do know that you're required to report it?" Casey asked.

Olivia pressed her lips together tightly. She had quite a history with each Casey and Alex, respectively. There were times she'd considered them close friends, but the bottom line was their job consisted of ensuring the law was played out. Then again, her job was to find the criminals and bring them in so Casey, Alex, or another district attorney could prosecute them. By holding back Nick's possible whereabouts, she was breaking the law. Nick had been her partner, though, and he'd keep secrets for her in the past. He had never told anyone to her knowledge about her relationship with David Haden. Not that it mattered now, anyway. Sure, she and Nick had gone through a lot, and she had battled with trusting him. _He's a murderer now, _she reminded herself. Had Amanda told anyone other than her and Fin that he had contacted her?

During her partnership with Elliot Stabler, there had been countless times that Olivia had stood up for him. Whenever his daughters got in trouble, she stood behind him, even when he didn't stand behind himself. There was the time that he'd locked Kathleen up and had given up on her. She'd gone out of her way to talk to Elliot's mom, who in turn had gotten through to Kathleen, resulting in her release from prison.

_This is different, Olivia, _she told herself, knowing that she was withholding information about a murderer, even if that murderer had been a fellow detective, but not just any fellow detective. He was her partner. She needed to stop comparing Nick to Elliot. "_Your loyalty to your partner is greater than your loyalty to the job," _she'd been told when she was partners with Elliot, and that had been the case. _"I'll give you my kidney," _he'd told her, and she'd responded, _"Not if I give you mine first." _She would have died for Elliot, even if he had murdered Kathy and kidnapped his children. She would have done anything to protect him, even if it meant obstructing justice. The bottom line was she'd been partnered with Nick for a little over a year

When it came down to it, Olivia knew that how long she knew Nick Amaro had nothing to do with her loyalty to him. Sure, she'd known Elliot for many years, but he'd left her. Nick had never outright betrayed her. He could be a pest, and he always wanted the details of her personal life. But did that mean he was a bad person? Did committing murder make someone a bad person? Olivia's head was spinning with possible outcomes. She was delirious. She'd spent the majority of her adult life taking rapists and murderers off the street, and now she was questioning whether or not Nick Amaro, a murderer, was a bad person? It had to be the medication or whatever the doctors were pumping into her veins messing with her head. She'd known all along that there were bad cops. She'd just never imagined that she'd be partnered with one. Elliot and Nick had one thing in common, besides their marital problems: they both had anger issues. _Had Elliot been capable of pre-meditated murder? _Everyone knew that he hadn't killed Jenna on purpose. _Was Maria's murder pre-meditated? _Olivia didn't even know that. What if Nick had just gone to chat with Maria, but then things turned dirty? Olivia needed to talk to Nick. He was the only one who could shed some light.

"No," she responded flatly. "I know nothing more than you do about Nick's whereabouts."

Casey and Alex looked at each other.

"Okay, then," Casey sighed. There was hesitation in her voice, as if Casey doubted Olivia's honesty. Though, why wouldn't she? Olivia was Nick's partner, after all. It only made sense that she might know something.

"Where's Brian?" Olivia had asked, at the very moment Brian entered the room.

"Well, well, look who's awake! So, I decided to go run some errands. Look what I brought you?" Brian smiled, showing her the box of donuts in his hands.

"Um, Brian, I'm diabetic, remember?"

"I know, silly. They're sugar-free donuts, and I talked to the doctor. He said you were clear to have them in moderation," Brian said. "Do you really think I would intentionally try to harm you and our baby?"

"Sugar-free donuts?" Olivia raised a brow. "That… just doesn't sound good."

"I thought the same, but I tried one and they're not too bad, surprisingly," Brian insisted, opening the box and handing her one. He looked at Casey and Alex. "Donuts for you, ladies?"

"Um, I'm gonna have to pass," Casey insisted, looking at her watch. "Actually, we should get going, Alex."

"Yeah, I'm going to have to pass, too," Alex insisted and looked at her watch, also. Then, she turned to Casey. "Oh, crap, I have to be in court in forty-five minutes. We better get going." She looked at Olivia. "It was great to talk to you, and I'm glad you're feeling better. Keep us in the loop!"

"Same goes for you," Olivia laughed, realizing Casey and Alex had informed her on much more than she'd told them. The ADAs soon disappeared, leaving Brian and Olivia alone. Brian was already devouring the donut. He handed Olivia a donut, and she hesitantly took a bite. The dull taste entered her mouth, and she coughed; spitting the donut out. "Yeah, uh, no."

Brian frowned. "Well, I tried." He shrugged. "Oh, I got you something else," he continued, reaching into her pocket and pulling out her cell phone. "I stopped by your apartment while I was out."

Olivia's heart sank as she reached for the phone. She immediately noticed its low battery, and that she had two unread text messages. The last one was from Casey. _Hey Liv, you up? I'm stopping by with a friend to see you! _She obviously hadn't had her phone on her at the time to reply, but that hadn't stopped Casey and Alex from coming over anyway. She swallowed. The next message was from an unknown number that indeed listed directions. The next text, from the same number, read _Where are you? _And then there was another text from the same number. _You're gonna pay. _

"Liv, where are those directions to?" Brian said, looking over her shoulder.

"I honestly don't know," Olivia murmured.

His eyes widened, and she assumed that he'd read the threat.

"Liv, who the hell is this text message from?"

"I…" she trailed.

"Olivia, you've got to tell me. _You're going to pay. _That sounds like a fucking threat to me. I'm not going to let anyone threaten you. If you're in danger, you need to tell me."

"You weren't supposed to see that," Olivia whispered.

"But I did, and you've got to tell me now," Brian said. Olivia looked away, glancing out the window. "Liv, if you don't tell me, I'm going to tell your precinct. They've got to know about this, if someone is out to get you."

"Brian, don't worry about it. I'll be fine," Olivia assured.

"Yeah, you know? I've heard that before. Well, I'm not buying it this time. Liv, you're carrying my child. This isn't all about you anymore. You've got two lives to worry about. You've spent so much of your life trying to prove that you can take care of yourself, and I get that. But things have to change now. Who's threatening you, Olivia?" He grabbed her hand and gently kissed her forehead. "I love you, Olivia, and I want you and our baby to be safe."

She'd been crying so much lately. She rarely used to cry at all, but now it seemed like she cried all the time. She clasped her palm over his strong hand.

"It's Nick," she whispered, flinching as she spoke the words, and dreading Brian's reaction.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I'm SOOO sorry that I've been neglecting my stories lately. I am graduating college in May, so I am literally overwhelmed with schoolwork. I should have been working on my senior paper while I was working on this, but I seriously needed a break. I hope this chapter makes up for the fact I haven't been updating lately. Two more months to go!


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

The look on Brian's face could not be described with words. His eyes were enormous, and he clenched his fists tightly. She could tell he was upset, and she was afraid of Brian Cassidy for the first time in her life. She knew that she had at least one thing saving her, though: his child inside her. He wouldn't harm her now, not that she honestly thought he'd ever lay a hand on her. Though, she gathered from the look on his face that he wanted to now.

"Nick," Brian repeated, "as in Nick Amaro? Your partner who is wanted for murder and kidnapping. Please tell me it isn't so, Liv." She closed her eyes and slowly nodded. He heaved a loud sigh and muttered, "You've been in contact with him all this time, haven't you?"

"No," she said flatly. "Brian, I swear that I haven't! He called me once, right before the clinic called. That's the only time I've talked to him. He told me to meet him…"

"I remember this now," Brian said slowly. She could hear the anger reeling in his voice. "You told me it was Fin, so you lied. I had a feeling you were lying, but I wanted to believe you, Olivia. I wanted to trust that you wouldn't _lie_ to me. Liv, I thought you trusted me." There wasn't only anger in his voice, but she sensed hurt and betrayal.

"Brian, I do trust you, and that's why I'm telling you now," she pleaded. "This isn't about you, hon. It's about the fact I know you don't like Nick, and the fact that I knew you wouldn't accept me going to meet you."

"So, you were going to meet him?" he snapped angrily. "Liv, you can't! You have to tell IAB. He's a fucking murderer, and there's no way in Hell I'm letting you see him. He's got a little girl with him who might be in danger. You've _got _to report this. It's not like you to break the law, Liv, and for Nick of all people. Is there something going on between you two? What? Is this baby even mine?"

"I can't even believe you'd suggest that!" Olivia sneered. "After I spent two weeks in a row with _you_ and nobody else, how can you think this baby is anyone else's? Brian, I wouldn't lie to you."

"Gosh, I don't know," Brian shrugged. "You didn't tell me you were pregnant and you went behind my back to go to the clinic. That right there sets a red flag to me that this baby might not be mine."

"Brian," Olivia said, trying to keep her voice calm. She took a deep breath. Her heart had begun racing, and she knew the stress wasn't good on the baby. "I swear on my life that you're the only person I've slept with recently. You are the father of this baby, and I'm really hurt that you'd suggest otherwise. I'd never sleep with Nick. You know I don't sleep with coworkers, more less my partners. Brian, please believe me." She was pleading with him. Her heart ached so badly. One thing she had truly gathered about Brian during their relationship was the fact that he suffered from trust issues. He also hated feeling like others didn't trust him. He longed so much for her approval and her trust, and when she didn't tell him every detail of her life; he felt like she was holding something from him.

This is where they were conflicted as a couple. She, too, had suffered from trust issues for too long. It came with having your heart broken so many times. It was hard to trust after you'd been burned and thrown to the curb. What did he expect? It wasn't that she didn't trust him, because she did. In fact, she'd never trusted someone like she trusted Brian. She'd trusted all her coworkers, but that was a different level of trust. She trusted them to have her back, which she trusted Brian to, too.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. Brian tried to pull off the "bad boy" image, but Olivia knew that he was sensitive on the inside. That was one of the features Brian had that instantly attracted her to him. She loved a bad boy with a sensitive side. Though, sometimes, that caused conflicts. "I'm sorry for doubting you, Liv. I just wish I understood your reasoning. Really, Nick contacts you and you don't rush to turn him in?"

"I wanted an explanation, and I still do," Olivia said with certainty. "I wanted to know why he did what he did, and I thought if I went to talk with him one-on-one that he'd give it to me. He's more likely to talk to me if I don't turn him in. Brian, I'm not stupid. I would have probably contacted IAB after I talked to him."

"By then he could flee, though. You should have contacted IAB immediately after he called," Brian insisted.

"If I'd done that, though, they would have raided his place immediately, not giving me the chance to talk to him. IAB isn't exactly the most logical or understanding. There's things he'll tell me that he won't tell them, because I am his partner. And, frankly, I think that if I call him and explain what happened, then maybe he'll still give me a chance. Nick isn't a violent person. He's only threatening me because he thinks I've already contacted IAB, and that's why I bailed on him. He's definitely already left the place he sent me directions to. Brian, I've got to call him…"

"He's not a violent man, Liv. Seriously, you've got to be kidding me. He pointed a _gun _to my head, and he's murdered his wife! How can you still say he's not violent? I'm beginning to wonder if you hit your head a little too hard when you passed out!" Brian attacked back. She knew he wouldn't understand.

"Brian, see. This is why I didn't want to tell you! I knew this is how you'd react," she growled, digging her fingers into her hair and tugging at her hair strands. She tried to breathe slowly, but the anxiety was causing her heart to race faster.

"Liv, breathe," Brian knelt down, seeming to notice she was stressing out. He took her hand and lightly kissed her knuckles. "I'm sorry for upsetting you, and while I don't understand your reasoning, I'm just trying to look out for your best interest. I don't want _you _to get hurt or the baby. I love you so much, and the thought of losing you kills me."

"I know, Brian, I know," she whispered, tears forming in her eyes again. "But, this is something I need to do…I need to go talk to Nick."

"Well," he started slowly. "I'm not letting you go alone."

"Brian, I have to go alone. If he sees you or anyone else, he'll panic. It's safer if I go by myself."

"We'll make it work, but you're supposed to be reducing your stress as much as possible, and I can't risk something horrible happening. If you want to talk to Nick, you're going to have to take me with you, and you're going to have to understand that I'm prepared to call for back-up at any moment in time.

"Brian…"

"Look, it's either I go with you, or I tell IAB that he's been in contact with you."

"Brian, you realize that if you do that, I could go to jail…" He wouldn't, he couldn't. Could he?

"If it keeps you and my child safe, then desperate times call for desperate measures," Brian said solemnly. He crossed his arms and looked away. Olivia couldn't believe the words that had just come out of his mouth. He was willing to lock her up to keep her away from Nick? She instantly regretted telling him that it was Nick, but she knew she had no choice. There was no way she had a chance at escaping Brian's watch over the next few days to go explain what had happened to Nick or to find out why he so desperately wanted to talk to her. Brian had planned on being by her side to make sure she was all right. She had to tell him, and maybe it wasn't such a bad idea for him to accompany her to see Nick. Nick had threatened her, after all. _He was a murderer_; Brian was right. He wasn't the partner she thought she'd known at one time, so why did she keep defending him?

"Bri," she whispered, shaking her head slowly. "I don't know what to say. I guess I have no other choice than let you come along. It's just…"

"Liv, don't." He squeezed her hand tightly and placed his other hand on her belly. "I want to do what's best for you and our baby, and I'm horrified at the thought of putting you in any danger. You're fearless, Liv, and that's one thing that I love about you, but sometimes you've got to have a little fear." His eyes twinkled into hers.

"Okay," she sighed, agreeing to let him come along. "I'm going to call him once we're out of the hospital. I'm just worried he won't pick up. If he's smart, he'll think I'm with IAB and we're trying to trace his location…" Brian shrugged, and Olivia knew what he was thinking. _Nick isn't smart_, but Olivia knew him better than Brian did. One thing Olivia wondered was what phone Nick was using. The chances were that he'd purchased a prepaid phone. Still, those numbers could be traced. Nonetheless, Nick had taken a huge risk contacting her and Amanda, so it had to be important.

She was released from the hospital early that afternoon. Brian suggested they stop at her apartment so she could shower and change her clothes. When she was ready, she dialed the number Nick had called her at.

The phone rang four times, and she was beginning to think he wasn't going to pick up. Her heart fell to the ground when she heard his voice, "Olivia? Why are you calling me? If this is some trap to have me tracked, good luck. I've got a tracking block on here…" _Of course he did. _

"Nick, listen. I didn't go to IAB, I swear. The reason I couldn't meet you is because I was in the hospital."

"The hospital? What happened?" There was an instant presence of concernedness in his voice. _He did care, _Olivia knew that he did. If he didn't care, he wouldn't pry so much.

"It's a long story. I'll explain it all if you'll meet me. Are you still at the same location you sent me?" she asked him.

"What, do you think I'm a fool? No, I couldn't risk it if you'd gone to IAB or someone else. I figured they'd be raiding the place. It's an abandoned farm, just so you know. We really shouldn't stay on the line long. I'll text you the new directions to my location. I'm about two hours out of the city now."

"Okay." The line went dead before another word could be spoken, but less than a minute later she received directions. She looked at Brian. "I guess it is time for an adventure." She smirked and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, if you can consider it that; I'm surprised he didn't ask more questions and gave up his location so easily. You know, Liv, I'm starting to doubt this again. It just seems too dangerous for you. Please, I'd feel so much better if you'd stay behind."

"Brian Worry-wart Cassidy, I'm going," she crossed her arms and stared into his dark brown eyes. She could see the concern that soared over his face. Her heart melted to worry him, and she understood why he was worried. She'd just gotten out the hospital and was under orders to take it easy, but this was unfinished business. Brian was right. She was fearless. _Everything will work out, it always does. _Dangerous situations became like a playground for her. She thrived off the possibility of not surviving. Considering her past, she didn't consider this a dangerous situation, though. She truly didn't believe Nick would hurt her. He wouldn't turn violent unless he saw Brian, which is why she wanted to go at this alone.

"I wish I could believe that," he said, wrapping his arm around her and kissing her gently on the cheek. "You should have told him about the baby first, and then he'd be less likely to hurt you."

"He won't hurt me," Olivia said with confidence in her voice, tilting her head up and kissing his neck lightly. "Everything is going to be fine." She escaped from Brian's grasp and took her car keys off the desk. She turned to him, "But I'm driving, and you're hiding in the back seat."

He raised a confused eyebrow. "Why do I have to be in the back seat?"

"Because, once we get there, you're staying in the car and staying low. Nick cannot know you're here. You're only going to come in if there's an emergency."

"Oh?" he shook his head. "How am I supposed to know there's an emergency from _the car_? Really, Liv? I don't like this. I'm going in with you."

"No, you're not. That'll rile him up. The easiest way will be for me to go in, get Nick to tell me why he did what he did, then try to get him to confess. Then, we'll go from there. Maybe, if all works out as planned, he won't need to know that you're even here."

"Olivia, I love you dearly, but you're a little nutty at times, you know?" Brian said. "In a perfect world, that plan would work perfect! But let's face it, this isn't a perfect world; and there tells me that there's more to Nick's mission than just wanting to talk, and he's not going to go with the _let's turn myself in _plan, something tells me. He doesn't want to be caught."

"Maybe he does," Olivia offered. "Why else would he have contacted Amanda and me? He just wants to talk to us first before turning himself in. Now, let's go. Only time will tell." She began walking out the door, and Brian followed after.

She handed Brian her phone to read her the directions Nick had sent her. He directed her where to go, while she drove. _Why didn't Nick just send the address? _Olivia wondered, thinking it would have been easier to just punch the address into her cell phone and go from the navigation. This method of following directions was so "old fashion."

Two hours later, she found herself pulling into an abandoned farm. How had Nick found this dump? Is this how he'd remained off the radar? He'd been staying at abandon farms in upstate New York, apparently. Obviously, he couldn't flee the country because the airports were scanning for his passport. He also couldn't cross the border to Canada or Mexico with his car. Still, he could have traveled to the other side of the country by now. Why had he stayed in the New York area? Obviously, he had unfinished business here. _Could she really be in danger? _What if Brian was right?

As they pulled into the driveway, Olivia instructed Brian to duck down, in case Nick was watching. He did so, but not without complaints. "This is a real comfortable position for a grown man," he murmured.

"Oh, shut up," she rolled her eyes. "It's necessary."

"Okay, well, how do you expect me to know if you're in trouble if I'm crunched in this position?" he asked with a growl.

"You've got your phone?" she asked.

"It's in my back pocket, but I can't get it without sitting up," he said.

She reached back and stuck her hand into his pocket, dually noting how firm his ass was, and pulled his phone out. He stuck his hand out, and she handed it to him. She dialed his number with her phone and turned her volume all the way, then stuck her phone in her pocket.

"Put your phone on mute," she instructed.

"Um…"

She rolled her eyes, "Of course." She rapidly reached for his phone and did it for him, then handed it back. "Can you hear me?" She heard her voice echo through his receiver. "There you go. You'll be able to hear everything that's said inside, and he won't be able to hear your line."

"Okay, but what happens if we get disconnected?"

"Such a pessimist, aren't we?" Olivia shook her head. She opened the car, refraining from answering the question. Surely Nick had noticed her car in the driveway, so she knew she had to get going. He would wonder what was taking her so long to come inside.

She hesitated for a moment as she approached the door, then she took a deep breath and knocked slowly on the door. Before she could knock twice, the door opened and there stood an unshaved Nick Amaro.

"Nick," she greeted him carefully.

"Hey, Liv. You're here alone, right?" he asked, looking past her to make sure no one was with her. Olivia looked back at her car to make sure Brian's head wasn't visible, and it wasn't.

"Of course," she said assuredly.

"Well, come in," he guided her inside.

"Where's Zara?" was the first question Olivia had, looking around the small home, but her question was answered without a word from Nick.

"'Livia!" a little girl cried as she appeared into sight. Her hair was done neatly, but it was apparent that it hadn't been washed in a couple days. Her jumper dress was covered in dirt. Overall, though, the Zara looked in good health.

"Hi, sweetie," Olivia smiled at the five-year-old. She'd only met the little girl a couple times, so she was surprised Zara had remembered her name. Olivia couldn't shield herself from the child's adorableness. She thought about the child inside her now. Was it a boy or girl? Part of her hoped it was a girl, so she could play dress up and dolls with her, something her mom had been too busy to do with her. Olivia's heart filled with joy, thinking of the possibilities. She then was hit with why she was here, and remembered she had business to do. She turned to Nick. "What's going on, Nick?" She looked at Zara again and wondered how much this little girl actually knew. Did she know her mother was dead?

"Daddy and I are playing a game! Did you come to join us?" Zara chirped excitedly. _That's a no, then, _Olivia thought.

"Really, what kind of game?" Olivia raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, Zara, why don't you go play outside while I talk to Olivia?" Nick asked his daughter.

"Okay," the little girl frowned, showing disappointment in her father's shooing her away. She soon disappeared outside, leaving Nick and Olivia alone. A large ball formed in Olivia's throat, which she swallowed.

"What is this, Nick?" Olivia asked, unable to hide the anger in her voice. "You've murdered your life, and now your daughter thinks she's playing a game of 'hide-and-go-seek' with her daddy? Does she know that her mom is dead?"

"No," Nick answered. "She doesn't, and it's best that way. Look, it wasn't pre-meditated; though I'm sure that's what you and the rest of the squad are thinking. I didn't go to D.C. to murder my wife. Liv, hear me out. I feel like I'm going crazy."

"What do you mean, Nick?" He buried his face in his hands, and she could sense the remorse in his eyes. _This is what she needed to see, _she thought. Nick wasn't a bad person. Had he gone insane? Did he need psychiatric help? She moved closer to him and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Nick, you can tell me anything."

"I went to D.C. to talk to Maria face-to-face. We had an argument earlier that day. She wasn't going to let me see Zara like we'd scheduled, and then she told me that she had been offered a new job in California. She was going to accept it and take Zara with her. I'd never see Zara again. I threatened to go to court, but she threw in my face that no reasonable judge would give me custody of my daughter because I'm always at work and don't have time for her. I really went to D.C. just to talk to her. I…I picked Zara up from school because I was dying to see her. Maria's mom was supposed to pick her up, so she'd already left when I'd gotten there. I told Zara to wait in the car so we could surprise her mommy. Maria was alone in the house and frantic already because her mom had called to tell her Zara was missing. I tried to reason with Maria, I really, but she just wouldn't listen." He clenched his fists together tightly, and Olivia felt the anger in his face. "She told me I was a horrible father for snatching her daughter without her permission. I had no intentions of kidnapping her, Liv, but it's just how it worked out. Maria worked me over the edge, and my gun was still in my pocket…"

"So, you shot her," Olivia said quietly. "Oh, Nick, I'm so sorry that it went down like this…" She couldn't help but think of Elliot. Elliot's anger rage had been worse than Nick's ever had, or at least it seemed so. Could have something like this happened between Kathy and Elliot? Still, from what Olivia had gathered from the two women, Kathy was more reasonable than Maria. Kathy had never kept the kids from Elliot. She'd kept the door open for him to visit at all times. Maria had no right to keep Nick's daughter from him. Now, it made sense.

But that didn't make it right. Nick would still go down for murder, unless he could plead insanity.

"I just don't know what to do now, Liv. That's why I need your help. I was hesitant to call you, because I know that we haven't been on the best of terms lately. That's why I tried to call Amanda first, but she threatened to contact Ed Tucker; and I couldn't have that, so I took him out."

"You did…what? Am I hearing you right?" Olivia's jaw dropped. _Did he just confess to murdering Ed Tucker?_

"I killed him… Ed Tucker. The prick deserved it, too. I was staking out your apartment when I saw him go in. Zara was sleeping, so I could get away."

"Nick! You do realize that you would have had better luck burning down the Internal Affairs office! Tucker was just a small part of IAB. I mean, I hate him too, but that was horrible planning on your part. I'm not even going to ask how you killed him." _He was staking out my apartment and no one noticed? _Olivia's eyes widened. Nick really had been close to home all along. The fact that she nor Brian nor Tucker nor Fin nor Amanda had noticed his presence baffled her. Nick really had remained low key, but it truly showed how little they paid attention to their surroundings. Olivia always felt like she was good about picking out when something was out of the ordinary, but lately she had been so riled with everything going on. It wasn't a surprise that she'd missed him.

"It wasn't hard to do, really. I waited until he left your apartment, then I followed him. I knew I couldn't use my gun, because it could be traced back to me, so I decided to drive him off the road. It was pretty simple, actually, and no one can prove it."

He was right. No one could prove it. Nick had not physically touched Ed Tucker. Unless there were cameras in the area, there would be no evidence to pin this crime on Nick. _Other than her testimony, that was_, and Olivia knew that if Nick was caught, she would be forced to reveal any information he told her in this moment. Perhaps she had been stupid to come here, but she hadn't anticipated that he would confess other crimes to her. _What was he driving anyway? _It had to be a stolen vehicle. There was another crime he'd have on his record.

"Nick, this isn't good." She looked out the window, and her eyes widened when her eyes saw what she'd dreaded. Brian had gotten out of the car and he had Zara in his arms. That's when she heard a loud scream.

"_DADDY! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!"_

"What the fuck?" Olivia saw him pull his gun out of his pocket and race through the door.

"No, Nick!" she yelled, as Nick held his gun at Brian.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Cassidy?" Nick infuriatedly demanded to Brian. He looked back at Olivia. "He came here with you, didn't he?" Olivia swallowed but didn't answer. "Fuck, I thought I could trust you, Liv. Guess not."

"Bri, I told you to stay in the car!" Olivia scolded him.

"Sorry, but I saw the little girl and had no choice but to save her," Brian said, gripping onto Zara.

"DADDY! HELP ME!" the little girl cried.

"Let my daughter go, Brian, or you're going to go down with a bullet in your head," Nick demanded.

Brian held the little girl up as a shield. "Save it, Nick. You wouldn't shoot me when there's a chance you could take your daughter down, too. I've called in for back-up, and the local police will be here soon. You're not getting out of this, Nick."

"Brian, why?" Olivia mouthed. "I had everything under control. It didn't have to go down like this."

"I couldn't take any chances. My fiancée and baby were in the hands of a two-timed murderer, and I couldn't have that."

"How the fuck did you know that? You couldn't possibly hear what I told Liv inside. And what the hell do you mean _baby_?" Nick's face was perplexed, still with his aim at Brian, and he shot a glance at Olivia.

"You know, a good father wouldn't swear so much in front of his child. I know I won't swear in front of my son or daughter. Kids pick up on their parents' language. Liv didn't tell you why she was in the hospital, did she?"

"Nick…" Olivia said softly. "I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant?" Nick squinted. "With this scum's child?"

"He isn't scum, Nick. He has good intentions, and can you blame him for doing what he's doing? Put the gun down, please, Nick. You don't need another charge on your name."

"Oh, what's it matter now?" Nick snapped. "I'm going to jail anyway, what's another life? I might as well take this scumbag down, too. He's been nothing but trouble since he's entered my life."

"He's using Zara as a shield, Nick!" Olivia shrieked, watching the tears flow from the little girl's eyes. "Nick, don't…"

"I can aim at his ankle, then Zara will be free and I can go for the rest of him."

"Nick…" Olivia warned, just as a local sheriff's car pulled into the farm's driveway.

"Put the gun down, sir," a deputy pulled his gun on Nick. Nick continued to clench tightly onto the gun, shaking his head. The sheriff opened the door and pointed his gun at Nick and shot Nick in the chest. Olivia watched as Nick fell to the ground.

"No!" Olivia cried.

"Daddy!" Brian released Zara, and she ran toward her father, falling into her father's blood.

"You didn't have to kill him!" Olivia cried to the sheriff. "You could have wounded him."

"I know a bad cop when I see one," was the sheriff's reply. "I read the report on this detective, and he didn't deserve to live."

_The End (For Now)_

**Note: There's still an epilogue left. I know there are still plenty of loose ends to tie up. **


	32. Epilogue

Epilogue

_**Eight months later…**_

Time had passed, and nothing would be back to what Olivia Benson had once known as normal. She and Brian had been subject to a line of questioning by IAB. They'd wanted to know how Olivia had found Nick, and why she hadn't told them that she knew where Nick was. Olivia had explained that she thought she could convince Nick to turn himself in, but everything had taken a turn for the worst when Brian had decided to grab Zara and call the cops. IAB threatened to take her shield because she'd withheld important information about a fugitive, even though she'd sworn up and down that she wasn't helping Nick in any way. She'd told them to save it, and personally handed in her badge and shield. She was able to retire and receive her full pension. After all, she'd put in her full twenty.

Olivia was furious with Brian. If it hadn't been for Brian, she knew that she could have convinced Nick to do just that—turn himself in. Then, he'd still be alive, and Zara would not have had to see her father die. After the shots had been fired, Olivia had grabbed Zara and covered her eyes. She'd cradled the crying child tightly until NYPD arrived and took her away. Zara had been returned to her maternal grandparents. Shortly after, Nick's mom sued for custody, but the courts denied her custody because she was living off disability and appeared unfit to raise a child. Just a few short weeks later, Maria's parents were found mysteriously dead and Zara was gone. The police found her with Mrs. Amaro. Olivia learned that Zara had been placed in foster care, and Olivia knew exactly what she had to do.

Brian supported her decision completely. Both Olivia and Brian had shared the longing desire to be parents for so long. Each day, Olivia's belly grew more swollen, and Brian stood by her side each day. Now that Olivia had retired, she would have the time to spend with the kids. She called the adoption agency and inquired about Zara. She knew that obtaining custody of Zara wouldn't be easy, but something in Olivia's heart told that it was the right thing to do. After pulling some strings, Zara came to live with her and Brian.

The past few months had been full of adjustments for Olivia and Brian. Olivia gradually began to forgive Brian for what had happened. When they had gone to pick Zara up from the adoption center, Olivia had insisted Brian stay in the other room. She remembered how Zara had freaked out when Brian had grabbed her last time. Olivia had to explain to Zara that Brian was the good guy, and he was going to help take care of her now.

Zara had been ecstatic to see Olivia. The little girl had been through so much within the last months, and it all involved family that was close to her. Her mother had died, though from Olivia's understanding, Zara had never seen her body. Her father had been murdered right in front of her. Her mother's parents were murdered by her father's mother, and now her paternal grandmother was in prison. _Poor Zara_; at last, she was safe.

_Everything happens for a reason_, Olivia thought, as she watched the little girl sleep. She looked so peaceful when she slept. Olivia rested her hand on her round pumpkin-shaped belly. The thought of Zara calling her "Mommy," made Olivia's stomach turn. Zara still called her "Olivia" and she called Brian by his name, too. Olivia had accepted that and understood she would most likely be "Olivia" to Zara. She was just happy to have Zara in her home. She was happy that Bayard Ellis had been able to put in a good word for her and had represented her in court. It was because of him that she had custody of Zara. It was because of him that she wasn't being raised by complete strangers.

"Liv," Brian whispered from the doorway. He crept up behind her and began to massage her tensed shoulders, lightly kissing her neck. She released a soft moan as the tension released from her shoulders. She turned around and kissed him on the cheek. Her eyes directed to the boxes in the bedroom that had become Zara's. It was their last night in her apartment. She'd lived there for fourteen years and had never imagined living anywhere else. A small tear trickled down her cheek, and Brian wiped it away. "What's wrong, babe?"

"It's just…I've spent almost a decade and a half in this apartment. It's hard to leave it behind. I have so many memories," she whispered, feeling as Brian's hand made his way down to her swollen stomach. He gently massaged her stomach as a sharp kick hit against her ribs, and her heart began to race as the pain made its way through her nerves.

Brian laughed. "What memories? You were always at work, remember? Don't worry. We're going to make many more memories at our new house. We're going to raise a family. Who would've thought that you and I would be parents…together? I always knew that you'd get married and have kids. I always wanted kids but never imagined I'd have 'em…especially with a lady as pretty as you." He kissed her forehead and her heart warmed. The couple parted Zara's bedroom and went into Olivia's bedroom, which was all packed up. Olivia kicked her shoes off and started to undress. She struggled to get her shirt off, and Brian willingly began to help her. She felt like a little girl again.

She thought about the last fifteen years. Brian had a point. She thought of all the men she'd brought home after her dates. She looked at her bed and thought of all the sex she'd had in that bed. Though, she'd had more sex with Brian over the last nine months than she had with all the men she'd dated over the course of fourteen years. Her pregnancy hadn't slowed them down at all until the last two months. She settled for Brian's to-die-for massages.

Tomorrow was the day that would change everything. They'd debated on whether or not to stay in New York City for months. In the end, they'd decided it was the best choice, because Brian's family was in New York and Brian's mother would be the only grandmother their son or daughter knew—they'd opted not to find out the sex of the baby. Olivia wanted her child to know his or her grandmother. As long as Mrs. Cassidy was alive, Brian and Olivia had agreed to stay near New York City. So, they'd purchased a nice house in Elizabeth, New Jersey, not far out of New York City.

Olivia remained in close contact with her former co-workers. Fin, Amanda, John, and Don all remained at SVU. Two rookies had taken her and Nick's spots. She talked to Fin most of all, and he continued to insist that SVU would never be the same. The unit had really taken a hardship after the whole Nick ordeal. Fin and Amanda along with Rafael, Casey, and Alex had agreed to help Brian and Olivia move. Kathleen and Kathy Stabler also insisted on helping.

Elizabeth's murder had been solved. They'd managed to pin all the evidence to her killer, Max Matazarro. As they'd expected, he had been seeking revenge on Elliot and had taken his revenge out on innocent Elizabeth. Max was currently awaiting trial. Olivia prayed he would rot in jail for life for what he did. Olivia believed that he'd taken two lives with him when he'd murdered Lizzie. She only wished that she'd been the one to nail him. Fin had told her everything, though. He'd told a vivid story about how he'd been raped in prison. Olivia tried to sympathize with him, but she couldn't. Olivia had kn0own Elizabeth since she was a little girl. She'd watched her grow up. The case was too close to Olivia. The Stabler's were managing okay, though. Maureen had given birth to a healthy baby girl, Elliot's first grandchild. She would never know her grandfather, though she would grow up hearing stories about what a great man he was. She would never know that he committed suicide.

Olivia was looking forward to her life ahead. It was the first time she could honestly say she was looking forward to the future. Finally, she had everything she'd ever dreamed of. She and Brian had agreed to wait until after the baby was born to get married. They'd agreed upon a small wedding with just their friends from SVU. It was already planned for Valentine's Day 2014. John was Brian's Best Man. Don and Fin would be the groomsmen. Alex was going to be Olivia's Maid of Honor, and Casey, Kathleen, and Amanda would all be bridesmaids. Olivia couldn't believe she was finally getting married and having a baby.

"_If I get married,"_ she remembered saying to Brian so many years ago.

"_Whatever, you will. As long as you have this job, your marriage will be an affair,"_ Brian had responded, and she was right. Her job had prevented her from having a life. She'd loved her job so much that she hadn't needed a man to love. Inside, though, she was miserable.

"_You don't understand because you're not a mother," _she'd been told too many times. It sickened her every time, too. As she grew older, near the end of her childbearing years, Olivia had begun to accept she would likely never become a mother. The thoughts circled in her mind as her hand rested on her stomach, and Brian's fingers intertwined with hers. A sharp pain contracted in her stomach, and she groaned loudly.

"Liv, you okay?" Brian jumped up. These past few weeks, he'd become extremely antsy. He would freak out at every noise she made. She'd been having Braxton Hicks on and off for the last three weeks. She was two weeks away from her due date.

"Yeah, fine, just another Braxton Hicks contraction," she said with a smile, lying down on her side, and Brian had lain down next to her. She hated that they were moving so close to her due date. She'd wanted to move sooner, but house shopping had not been easy for them. They were both so picky, and the house they'd finally settled in wasn't available until then, so they hadn't had a choice.

Brian rubbed his hand slowly on her back until she heard him snoring. She lay awake, staring into the blackness. Something didn't feel right. The baby was restless tonight, and continued to move. _Someone doesn't want Mommy to sleep tonight, _Olivia thought as the baby kicked against her womb. Another sharp pain struck her. She glanced at the clock. She knew that if the contractions were more than ten minutes apart, she would need to go to the hospital.

_Not tonight, baby, not tonight, _Olivia thought. She and Brian hadn't even completely agreed on a name. They'd been debating for months, so Baby Cassidy couldn't come tonight._ Mommy has too much to do tomorrow_. She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep, but it wasn't long before she was struck with another contraction. Her heart began to race as another one soon followed. She restlessly tossed in bed, wishing they'd stop. The pressure tightened against her bladder, and she felt the urge to pee. Brian placed his hand on her stomach in his sleep. She gently removed his hand from her belly so she could go to the bathroom.

"Huh? Everything okay?" Brian murmured.

"Yeah, just going to the bathroom," Olivia whispered back, and slid off the bed.

"K," Brian groaned, and Olivia waddled to the bathroom. She started to relieve herself, but she seemed to be in an endless pee. She couldn't stop. That's when she realized what had happened.

_Shit. _Another contraction hit her, and she realized she'd packed all her pads away. After all, she hadn't used one in nine months. She started to cry. The baby couldn't be coming. They hadn't moved yet, and she'd planned on spending the next two weeks getting the baby's room ready. In the beginning, Olivia had been hesitant to buy baby stuff because she was afraid something might go wrong. She hadn't wanted to purchase all sorts of baby stuff then lose the baby. Her doctor had warned her that she was at a higher risk for miscarriage because of her age. Brian, on the other hand, was picking up baby stuff all the time. She'd scolded him for it, but it didn't stop him. Everything they'd bought so far was unisex. Olivia still hadn't purchased a crib.

It hit her, and it hit her hard. The baby was coming.

"Brian!" she called. "BRIAN!" She stood up, pulling up her pajamas pants. She felt the liquid drenching her pants. Another contraction hit, and a pain lodged in her back as she waddled into the bedroom.

Brian jolted out of bed. "What's wrong? Are you…no….Liv?"

"My water broke!" she cried, tears of fear and joy streamed down her face. "The baby is coming!"

"Oh, my God!" Brian stared at her in absolute awe. He'd been jumping at her every sound for weeks, but now he didn't budge. Then his eyes widened as he slid off the bed and dug through a pile of dirty clothes on the floor for a shirt and pants.

"What's going on?" a small voice came from the doorway. Olivia turned to Zara rubbing her eyes, standing in her night gown. "Are you having the baby, Olivia?"

"Yes, Zara, I'm having the baby!" Olivia exclaimed, then another contraction struck and she released a scream.

"Yay!" Zara exclaimed. "But are you okay?"

"I'm fine, sweetie. Brian's going to take good care of me." Brian wrapped his arm around Olivia and started guiding her out the door.

"Come on, Zara. You can ride with us to the hospital, and then I'll call your Auntie Amanda or your Uncle Fin to come pick you up." Brian motioned for Zara to follow. Zara smiled excitedly. Olivia was glad that Brian had thought of what to do with Zara. Zara was very close to Fin and Amanda.

"Okay!" the little girl chirped, grabbing Olivia's hand and assisted Brian in guiding her to the car, which was parked in front of the apartment.

An hour later, Olivia was in the delivery room.

"You're currently dilated to six centimeters," the doctor told her, "only four centimeters to go." The contractions were coming more frequently and became more intense. The pain was unbearable.

"Okay, give me a fucking epidural now," she growled. Brian had just walked in, wearing his mask and scrubs. He grabbed Olivia's hand, and she pulled tightly, and felt tears rolling down her cheeks. "Why, Brian, why did you do this to me….OW," she cried as another contraction hit her like a baseball.

"It's going to be okay, baby. It'll be worth it in the end. Just think, when this is all over and done, you'll have a beautiful baby in your arms," Brian said with a big smile on his face then turned to the doctor. "You heard the lady. Give her the epidural."

"Let me get the nurse in here and we'll get on it," the doctor said.

"You're a fucking doctor. Just give it to me NOW! You do it now, or I'll have my cop friends shoot your head off," Olivia snapped, as the doctor chuckled and shook his head. He'd delivered hundreds of babies, and Olivia wouldn't be surprised if he'd been threatened before. Olivia breathed heavily, and turned to Brian. "Did you call anyone?"

"I called Fin. He and Amanda are on their way to pick Zara up. I told them to call anyone else they could think of. I'm sure you'll have a party in the waiting room by the time Baby Cassidy decides to make his or her debut into the world," Brian said.

"Speaking of which," Olivia choked. "We never decided on a name."

"Well," Brian said. "What about we wait until we see him or her? Maybe we'll just know."

"Oh, Bri. You know how I hate waiting until the last minute to make decisions…" Olivia trailed as she was pained with another contraction. The doctor and a nurse walked in and started to prep her for the epidural. The nurse implanted the IV in her, prepping her for the epidural. Five minutes later, the pain finally began to ease. She could still feel the contractions in her uterus.

Time passed, and the doctor suggested she walk around a little bit to speed up the labor process. First labors were always the longest. _It's my first and my last, _Olivia was certain. She was forty-five years old. She knew the chances of her getting pregnant again were slim to none.

Brian offered to guide her around the hospital. He walked her down to the waiting room, where she found Casey, Alex, John, and Don.

"Olivia!" Alex exclaimed; all four appeared surprised to see Olivia.

"The next time I thought I'd see you, you'd have a bouncing baby in your arms," John said, pointing out the fact that Olivia was still pregnant.

"The doctor said that walking around might speed up the delivery," Brian told the group.

"Where are Fin, Amanda, and Zara?" Olivia asked the group.

"They took her over to Fin's place to get some sleep," John answered. "Fin said they'd bring Zara back early in the morning. I'm not sure why Amanda had to tag along."

Olivia couldn't help but wonder who was on duty at SVU. Had they left the rookies alone? Everyone she'd once worked with was right in front of her.

"How are your contractions, Liv? Is it really as painful as clenching cold ice in your hand?" Alex asked, and everyone stared at her. She shrugged, "Hey, don't look at me. That's just what someone told me."

"It's one hundred times worse, Alex," Olivia said. "But I'm okay now. They've given me an epidural."

"And you can still walk?" Casey raised an eyebrow. It was clear that neither Casey nor Alex had given before.

"You can still walk with the regular epidural," Olivia told them. "It's only if they give you the walking epidural that you can't walk."

"I see, I see," Casey said.

"Looks like you ladies need to brush up on their pregnancy research," John teased the ADAs and added, "I don't even have those organs, and I knew that."

"Well, good for you," Casey rolled her eyes. "I don't spend my days researching pregnancy, because the chances of me having a child in the future at all are pretty much zero."

"Oh, hush, Case. You're ten years younger than I am. You still have plenty of time. Besides, I said the same thing," Olivia said, holding her stomach and looking at Brian.

"Hey, I keep telling you that you and Rafael would make a cute couple," Alex nudged Casey with a grin on her face.

Casey's bright fiery red hair caused her flushed red face to stand out. She shook her head. "I'm fairly certain that I'm not Rafael's type, if you know what I mean."

"Why don't you just come out and ask him if he's gay, then?" Alex suggested.

"Why don't you?" Casey retorted.

Alex turned to Olivia, Brian, Don, and John and explained, "You see, Casey and I have this bet going on over Rafael's sexuality. She's convinced he's gay, and I think he's straight. Any ideas?"

Captain Cragen, who had been otherwise quiet, chuckled.

"You know, he did seem to be awfully friendly with Captain Harris, now that you mention it…" John trailed.

"So, you think he's gay, too?" Casey asked.

"My money's on bi," John replied, and then turned to Olivia and Brian. "So, you're naming the baby John, right?"

"My grandbaby is not going to be named John," Captain Cragen butted in. "Olivia and Brian are more into modern names, I think. My money's on North or Apple."

"Apple Cassidy? I like!" Brian smiled, looking at Olivia who was already shaking her head.

"How about no. I think I'm naming the baby," Olivia said as she felt another contraction. She whispered hoarsely, "I think we need to get back to the delivery room, Bri." Brian guided her back to the room, where the nurse was already waiting for them. She helped her back into bed and checked to see how far she was dilated.

"Good news, Olivia. You're dilated to ten. It's time to start pushing," she told Olivia.

She started to push, and soon the doctor was preparing to deliver the baby.

"The baby is crowning, Olivia. Just a few more pushes, the baby's almost here."

She gripped tightly onto Brian's hand and pushed with all her strength. She closed her eyes as the sweat trickled down her face. She was so hot, but she didn't care. Her baby was about to be born.

"Here we go!" the doctor exclaimed, as the baby came out of her. "Here he is!"

_He? _Olivia inhaled a deep breath, as she saw her son for the first time. She listened to his waling cries as Baby Cassidy announced his presence to the world. Moments later, the doctor brought him over to her, and joyful tears melted from her eyes as she looked at her baby boy. Soon, the nurse took him away to clean him up. Olivia looked at Brian, whose eyes had also swelled with tears of happiness.

"Liv, I have a son," Brian mouthed, and Olivia couldn't believe it herself.

Minutes later, the nurse returned the baby and placed him in her arms.

"Good job, Mom. He's perfectly healthy," the nurse told her, and Olivia's heart swelled with love as she placed her finger into her son's small hand.

"Hi, sweetie. I'm your mommy," she whispered, looking at the nameless baby. She admired his full head of dark brown hair along with his deep blue eyes, which Olivia imagined would turn brown. She'd held so many babies over the years, but there was something about this little guy that made her nervous. She didn't want to break him. After all, she was certain that he was the only son she would ever have.

"And I'm your daddy," Brian said cheerfully, as he carefully stroked the baby's head.

"Well, Daddy, what are going to name our little guy?" Olivia asked her fiancé.

"You said you were going to name him, so go ahead. I trust you," Brian said and added jokingly, "Then, if he doesn't like his name when he's older, I can tell him to blame his mom."

Olivia blushed and thought hard. She wanted her son to have a name that was unique to him, but she also wanted it to be special. Several names came to mind that she shot down, because she associated them with criminals she'd arrested over the years. Gabriel, Kyle, Max, and Victor were all no-goes. Then, she thought of all her exes. Dean, Andy, Jeffrey, and Kurt were noes—not that she liked any of those names, anyway. The more she thought, the more complicated this process became. Girls' names were so much easier to choose, because she'd dealt with fewer female criminals over the year, but here she was holding a baby boy. They'd both agreed that they didn't want their son to bear the suffix "Junior." "How about…" she began, then the perfect name came to her mind. "August Elliot John Cassidy."

"August Cassidy. It's unique, modern, and yet not crazy," Brian repeated. "August Elliot John Cassidy. I like it. But I understand Elliot as a middle name, but why John?"

Olivia shrugged. "I thought it had a nice ring to it, and John was Elliot's middle name too."

Brian nodded, and Olivia was half-way surprised that he didn't have a problem naming their son after Elliot. Olivia couldn't name her son Elliot, because Elliot Jr. already existed. Besides, the world didn't need another Elliot. August was perfect. Her son was perfect.

The door opened and the doctor peered in. "You've got guests."

Soon, the room began to flood with all her friends. Casey, Alex, Rafael, Don, John, Fin, Amanda, and Zara were all there. Then Olivia saw Kathleen and Kathy. Everyone made a circle around the bed, as they waited for Olivia to announce her son's name.

"Everyone," Olivia announced. "Meet my son, August Elliot John Cassidy."

"I told you she'd name him after me!" John was quick to cheer. The room was cheery as everyone congratulated Olivia on her son. The joy tingled in Olivia's veins. Finally, her time had come. It had been a rough year, but it had all been worth it. After all, everything happened for a reason, didn't it? Fifteen years ago, she and Brian hadn't been ready for each other. Now, they were than ready for each other. They were all each other wanted and needed. And finally, they had the perfect little family too. Brian, Olivia, Zara, and August.

Over the years, Olivia had made great friends, and she would always cherish them. Her work family had become her only family.

Re-uniting with Brian had given her a second chance. A second chance at the life she'd always dreamed about. A dream Elliot could never fulfill. The second chance had come just in time, too.

Elliot had been such a big part of her life for so many years, but now she understood that he had held her back from truly living her life. Yes, she had love him, and she would always love him. But he needed to leave for her to live. Elliot's leaving had provided her the opportunity to finally move on, and his death had given her the ultimate closure. Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. In Olivia's case, goodbye meant hello to life.

**~ THE END ~**

**Author's Note: I'm sorry that I took so long to update. I've mainly been investing my writing time into "His Negotiation," but I decided it was time I wrap this up! I hope you all enjoyed this story, and I know it was filled with twists and turns. As you can see, there was a meaning behind Elliot's death. Yes, it was sad, but it was necessary. The funny thing is I started this story long before I developed a hatred toward Elliot, and I originally for a moment considered having Olivia having an affair with Elliot; then I was going to have her unsure if the baby was Elliot's or Brian's. Then, the Bensidy shipper voice in my head screamed at me and wouldn't let that happen. I think the plot worked out better this way. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed this story and will check out my others if you haven't already. **


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